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July 28, 2007

Lindsey Lohan: "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want."

I was so delighted by her brilliant cerchez le negro defense that I totally missed the real money quote:

I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want."

Youth is wasted on the young, and so God doesn't throw good virtue after bad by wasting wisdom on youth, either.

Lindsey Lohan must know there is a huge pile of the corpses of child star's careers buried unceremoniously in a mass grave in a disused plot of scrubland near Pasdena. It cannot have escaped her that there have been about five thousand child stars before her, each of whom once believed, as she does, the Eternal Party would go on forever, and destiny decreed that they would remain cute, in-demand and bankable forever, and, yes, in fact able to do "whatever the fuck they wanted."

And yet she is immune. She, alone, will break the curse, and go on to become, and remain for a good long time, and adult star who can continue doing "whatever the fuck she wants" well into her old age (which, to her, I'm guessing means 32).

If there is one iron law in Hollywood it's that child stars are quickly discarded and forgotten and wind up putting all of small wages they make waiting tables at Appleby's into heroin and coke. You can count the exceptions on one hand, starting with Shirley Temple (ambassador counts as a career, after all) and ending somewhere around Kurt Russel.

On top of that, female actresses are absurdly disposable. Hollywood seizes on to a fresh young It girl and they star in three movies a year... for about four years. And then they're replaced with the next fresh young thing, and are lucky to get a supporting role as the star's friend past their expiration date.

She knows these things. She must.

But she's immune, she's figured out. She's The Chosen One, the ingenue Neo. She'll continue to captivate audiences, even with all this bad behavior and all these unflattering mug shots. And even though this isn't even the sexy, dangerous, intriguing sort of bad behavior that actually might add to one's mystique; it's just plain shitty and assholish and more than a little pathetic.

It's not so much that I hate her (I don't) as that I'm a bit disgusted at the waste. Like when a jackass trust-fund douche destroys his $250,000 Porche through simple carelessness. Not my car, of course, and doesn't affect my life in the least, but just a shame to see something so precious destroyed so thoughtlessly.

She's about to flush her incredibly-charmed life down the drain and she's not even going to figure out why it all happened until she's 45. Which she's basically going to turn next week, unless she slows down a bit with the booze and blow.

The casual racial faux pas -- "It was the black kid!" -- ain't gonna help, either.

Scott Baio needs to be tapped by the Jewish Conspiracy that runs Hollywood to give these people a talking to. Sock most of the money away, don't snort the bulk of it, bang every hot piece of ass on Baywatch, then spend most of your life going to the track when every other shlump is working. Is it so hard to just keep it effin' together?


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posted by Ace at 07:24 PM

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