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October 27, 2006

A Message From James Webb



James Webb sits on a chair, leaning forward in a serious posture, before a fireplace. He speaks in DIRECT ADDRESS.

WEBB: This election is about choices. Important choices. Choices that will affect you -- in terms of your paycheck, your educational costs, your very security.

My opponent thinks this is an election about smears and mud-flinging. About frivolous attaks that will only distract you from the real issues.

Like issues about your children. I have a vision of an America, and America where every child is guaranteed a good education in good schools, where every child is fed, and where every child is picked up by his ankles to have his penis put in his father's mouth.


My opponent, who never served in this military, wants to make a mockery of my war experiences. Well I wore the uniform -- I've earned my right to speak out without being attacked by a man who spent Vietnam playing football. I wore a Kevlar jacket; he wore shoulder pads.

What kind of man do you want representing you in the Senate? If you want a strong defense against a three-receiver set, well...


... then maybe he's your man. But if you want the sort of man who has new and bold ideas for this country's defense -- ideas like searching not 2% of the cargo that comes into this country, but all of it; ideas like fighting the war on terror in ways that help us, not hurt us; ideas like turning your son upside down and putting his penis in your mouth -- then you should consider voting for me, James Webb.

I learned a lot as a soldier in Vietnam. I saw a lot of courage, and I saw almost as much carnage. I'll never forget the day me and my best friend, Sergeant "Rowdy" Davis, were on two-man patrol on an overgrown trail in the hills north of Khe Sahn. Well, "Rowdy" had to stop by the side of the trail to relieve himself-- and at that moment, a deadly jungle boomslang bit him right on his, well, right on his manhood. I took immediate action, running off to get a clear radio link to the MASH unit back at base, to find out what I could do to save him from almost certain death. After getting advice from a Vietnamese doctor with years of experience with boomslang venom, I rushed back to Rowdy.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," I told him.

"The good news first," he said, on the edge of falling unconscious.

"The good news," I said, "is that you can be saved, so long as I suck the poison out of your penis."

"Okay," he whispered. "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that it'll be two hours before a medical chopper can evacuate us, so we're going to have to make the magic last."

And then I put his penis in my mouth. I also ticked his prostate, because I figured that would keep the venom really flowing nicely.


That's what we face this November 7th-- a choice between a man whose greatest achievement is having been born to a famous father, or a decorated veteran who will gladly put your penis in his mouth if it gets bitten by a snake.

Or even it's just a little itchy. [Wink.]

And for the ladies, if all that penis in mouth hotness doesn't do it for you-- well, let's just say I've got more bananas than Dole, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do. I'll make the great state of Virginia into a horny woman's dream.

I'm James Webb, and I hope you'll make the right choice.


Oh, Please... The normally sober Michelle Malkin is shocked, shocked that Allen is fighting back with Webb's smut.

And Dean Barnett, also pretty even-keeled, appreciates the political efficacy of this but is pretty disappointed by the most idiotic campaign in all of Democracy, as he calls it.

When Democrats stubbornly refuse to announce their actual positions, how can you actually engage them on "the issues," I wonder?

Yes, let's by all means take the high road. Just make sure you read down to the end of that link to learn that Allen's divorce files are being rifled through, and that the coming charge is that Allen once spat on his wife.

But yeah -- let's not resort to dirty tactics or anything. Because that's as demeaning as taking your son, turning him upside down, and putting his penis in your mouth.

Rank The Following In Order of Preference:

Winning Smart

Winning Stupid

Losing Smart

Losing Stupid

That's my order, right there. Seems some people have a different opinion as regards the second and third most preferred choices.

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posted by Ace at 05:46 PM

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