College Football Week #2 [Johnny M. Coldcuts]

Before I get to my picks, I want to get something of my fuckin' chest.

You guest bloggers? You fuckin' sicken me you attention-starved, talentless, narcissistic, hacks.

That's right. I said it. Everyone else here is thinking it, but these spineless 'tards are too chickenshit to verbalize it. I'm not. You suck.

I mean what the fuck is a "guest blogger" anyway? Is that someone who is such a fucking loser that he or she (except it's probably a he since chicks are usually too dumb to type anything other than dictation) has to seek some semblance of a "life" by parading around in the shadow of another, slightly less pathetic, loser?

Shit! Look at what you fuckmunches have done to this shithole since you've shown up. YouTube videos, fer christsakes? And now even the head moron is posting them too. As the man said, fuckin' crikey mate. I'm beginning to think Irwin's death wasn't an accident. He saw what happened to this damn blog, and figured it was the only honorable way out.

And poetry??? Look, Jack M., unless the "M" stands for "Meoff" and you are a chick with a handful of cocoa butter, I ain't interested in reading any of your queer ass attempts to land a fantasy girlfriend. It's pathetic. And if you are a chick with the last name of "Meoff" and a handful of cocoa butter, you got better things to be stroking than the keyboard of a blog, bitch.

Look, Jack...let me put it to you in terms you will understand. No one gives a flying turd about your attempts to score a "Faggity Ann" doll to match your "Faggity Andy". Capiche?

I'm beginning to think that Wickedpinto is the only one with a yard full of dick and enough hair on his ass to weave a Mexican rug around this place. It looks like I'm going to have to take him up on an evening of "bitchbreaking" just to restore some semblance of testosterone to my system. I don't even know what that is, but I am told there will be 1) bitches and 2) breaking, so I don't see how it can be bad.

Alright. I've said my piece. I was 18-4 against the spread last week, so ignore my advice at your peril. The picks are in the extended entry. Use them at your discretion, slapasses.

UPDATE: 15-7 with the picks this week. Michigan and Tennessee are killing me. I've missed them both in the past two weeks. A pox on both their crotchsniffing houses!

For the Week: 15-7
For the Season: 33-11.

1) Ohio State +1.5 at Texas: How often does the number one team in the country find themselves getting points in a game? Pretty often when you are nicknamed the Fuckguys and your own damn coach can't even fill out the AP ballot correctly. Face it, OSU, you are not now and will never be, a pube on the dick of Michigan. As for the Stillborns in Austin? Shit they got a quarterback named after Colt 45, and that's an essential part of the old, legitimate, pre guest-moron AoS lifestyle. Take Texas and lay the points.

2) Notre Dame -7.5 against Penn State: I have it on word from the Pope that Touchdown Jesus is personally going to walk off the side of the Library and cover the spread aginst the Nits. Actually, when I say Pope, I mean "my local Bishop", and when I say Touchdown Jesus covering the spread, I mean "he wants in my buns." Take the Irish and lay the points.

3) Auburn -20.5 against Miss State: Mississippi State's offense couldn't score in a Tijuana brothel filled with nymphomaniacal whores. Take Auburn, and lay the points.

4) West Virginia (No Line) vs. Eastern Washington: Remember the rule about directional schools? Take West Virginia. Which, now that I think about it, is sort of a directional school itself. Fucking hillbillies.

5) Florida -23.5 against Central Florida: Apply some Vaseline to your tender spots, UCF. Florida's gaytors think you look pretty yummy in those hot pants. Take Florida, and lay the points.

6) LSU -15.5 against Arizona: Hmm...the dumb fucks who couldn't get into to Tulane play the University that once employed Dr. Deborah Frisch. This is like a singularity of stupidity. (See that Insty??? I worked in "singularity" for you, princess). Take LSU as the slightly less stupid of the two schools.

7) Michigan -28 against Central Michigan: Can't we just shove all these directional schools down to 1-AA and be done with it? Take Michigan and lay the points.

8) Tennessee -20 against Air Force: To Tennessee's credit, they play the only service academy with a decent football program. To Air Force's credit, they probably won;t lose by 45. Take Tennessee and lay the points.

9) Georgia -3 against South Carolina: South Carolina is a trendy pick, as no one in the country receive more head from AP sportswriters that Steve "The Ol' Plays With his Balls Coach" Spurrier. AP sportswriters, collectively, were the guys that the A/V club repeatedly violated when the Chess Club wasn't around. Take Georgia and lay the points.

10) Louisville -40.5 against Temple: More like the Cardinals against Shirley Temple. Take Louisville and lay the points.

11) Iowa -19 against Syracuse: Remember when Syracuse used to play in New Year's day games? This ain't one of those teams. Take Iowa and spot the points.

12) Oklahomo's -16 against Washington: After narrowly losing outright to the UAB (who?) Blazers, the Sooners will butch up this week and castrate the Huskies. Literally. With their teeth. Take OK and spot the 16.

13) Va Tech -13 against North Carolina: Hokies vs. Tar Heels. I couldn't give a fuck. Take Va Tech and lay the points.

14) Miami (No Line) vs Florida ATM: It's no so much a hurricane brewing at The U as it is a tropical depression. Still, they have more than enough to WTFPWN a directional school. Take the Hurricanes.

15) Clemson -2.5 vs. Boston College: Another shitty ACC game. Stick to basketball, Nancy. While none of you ACC schools deserve to be in the top 25, Ace lives near Boston which means it is the biggest loser of all. Take Clemson and spot the points.

16) Oregon -4 against Fresno State: Take the Ducks. What, you expect me to work in another Dr. Deb Frisch reference here? Sorry to disappoint you creeps and peeps, but it ain't gonna happen. Sew phuque off, ma hombras.

17) Nebraska (No Line) against Nicholls State: You know what would make this game interesting? If Nicholls State was coached by Nichelle Nicholls of Star Trek (Lt. Uhura) fame. And, like her character, she called all the plays in Swahili. Take Nebraska.

18) Cal -7.5 against Minnesota: The Golden Bearbacks play a team that cant find it's way around turf. And the Golden Gophers don't do that well on grass either. Take Cal and lay the points.

19) TCU (No Line) against UC Davis: TCU. Wil someone kill me already. I really have to help you fucktards with this one?

20) Texas Tech -7 against UTEP: One in the old Texas town of El Paso, I squeekholed a Mexican girl. True Story. Take Texas Tech and give UTEP the points.

21) Arizona State -14.5 against Nevada: You know what the big landmark in Tempe, Arizona is? A hill the locals call "Cameltoe Mountain." what? Oh...it's called "Camelback Mountain". Tempe is no longer interesting. Needless to say, tho, that they will cover. Take the Sun Devils...please.

22) Florida State -30 Troy. The Semenholes play the Trojans. Something's got to give. Like an over-exuberant lad on prom night, I'm picking FSU to rip the Trojans and inseminate Troy's end-zone quickly. Lay the 30.

There you have it tards. As always, the image of me was first captured on film by that Canadian "Skippy Bo-Bibby No-Nookie" at Enjoy Every Sandwich. You can find him on the sidebar. I dont feel like linking. Wickedpinto is here, and bitchbreakin' time calls.

Later, losers.

posted by Ace at 04:25 PM

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