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September 08, 2006

Brad Pitt, GENIUS: Says He Won't Marry Angelina Jolie Until Gays Can Marry Too!

Old opinion of Brad Pitt: Dumb as a bag of retards.

New opinion of Brad Pitt: Perhaps the most brilliant man who has ever lived. A mind of such staggering intellectual power it makes Einstein's look like the primative nerve ganglia in an ankylosaurus' ass-brain.

Thanks to Blacksheep.

Top Ten Other Brad Pitt, Super-Genius, Excuses Made To Women

10. "I cannot do a dish-washing until all minefields are cleared for the world's children."

9. "I vow to support HIV awareness by blowing one stealth-fart into your couch-cushions for each AIDS casualty in America."

8. "How can I give you more than twenty-two seconds of foreplay when Bush is planning to pack the Supreme Court with rightwing reactionaries? Can't you see the bigger picture?"

7. "Make me a sandwich if you oppose Japanese whale-hunting, bitch."

6. "No, I won't weed the lawn. I'm opposed to all forms of discrimination. Aren't you, racist?"

5. "Watching TBS' Shark Week for thirty three hours nonstop is my silent protest against CIA defoilant operations against South American coca farmers."

4. "The KKK lynched people for not raising the toilet seat back up. I won't sully the memories of their victims by towing the Klan line."

3. "If I give you the television remote, then the terrorists have won."

2. "Arms are made for hugging. Not for moving your knickknack cabinet."

...and the Number One Brad Pitt Excuse Made To Women...

1. "I finished in thirty seconds intentionally. If I had waited for you to orgasm, we would have spent precious minutes filling the air with dangerous hydrocarbons or fluorocarbons or... I don't know, some kind of carbons. Now make me a sandwich if you love black people. You... do love black people don't you, racist?"

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posted by Ace at 03:22 PM

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