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June 08, 2006

David Letterman: Ann Coulter Is A Bitch Who Should Be Murdered By OJ Simpson

Bah-ZINNNGGG!

As a lot of people noted yesterday, while some conservatives pile on Coulter's over-the-top statements, the liberals indulge in murder-fantasies with impunity.

And so it goes.

Dave? Look, you were big in the eighties. But you're old. And irrelevant. And you can turn nastier and unhinged-leftier all you like, you're not going to become Jon Stewart. Or even Steven Colbert. They're young, you're old. People (for some reason) find them funny; people (for good reason) don't find you funny.

Remember being funny? Yeah, I remember about ten years ago you were doing this Jerky-Boyz ripoff gag with a walkie-talkie. That was very funny.

Since then? Not so much.

Give it up. Accept your lack of relevance gracefully. Like King Lear and Madonna as well, you should have gotten wise before you got old.


Reposted again:

Top Ten Signs That David Letterman's Just Killing Time Before Retirement

10. Recent Stupid Pet Tricks include "Sit," "Shake hands," and "Hump the Leg"

9. Wants to make show "more relevant" by featuring "edgy, youth-oriented bands" like The Alan Parsons Project and Foghat and this guy

8. Old Letterman comedy staple: puckish irony; New Letterman comedy staple: nonstop racial slurs

7. Having run out of comedy juice, many of the "jokes" in his opening monologue consist of him simply describing and reading from old Far Side cartoons

6. Wardrobe for show has degenerated into nothing but baggy sweatpants and "Who Farted?" T-shirts

5. Features a new twenty-minute segment in middle of every show called "Dave's Quiet Time," in which audience members are asked to "pursue independent reading" or "engage in quiet group-study"

4. Questions to celebrity guests sound suspiciously similar to clues to the day's New York Times crossword puzzle

3. Last Thursday's "show" was nothing but a taped teleconference with his tax lawyers, interspersed with "wacky" sound effects and still photos of Larry "Bud" Melman

2. Standard end-of-show sign-off, "You've been great! Drive safely!" replaced with ominous-sounding "Another hour nearer the sweet embrace of blissful death"

... and the Number One Sign That David Letterman's Just Killing Time Before Retirement...

1. Whereas "Wacky Stunts" used to include throwing a Velcro-suited Dave at a wall of Velcro, new "wacky stunts" involve attempting to buy discount heart-medication from an online Canadian pharmacy


H/t to steve_in_hb for link to "Proper Words" video.

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posted by Ace at 05:53 PM

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