Sponsored Content

Intermarkets' Privacy Policy

Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!

Recent Entries
Absent Friends
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

Sad But Funny Yahoo Personal Ad | Main | Fifty Things Men Should Never Do Past The Age Of Thirty
April 26, 2006

My Own Yahoo Personal Ad

Serious content warning. I mean, really. Don't read this.

Suggested by Russell, or Mean Mr. Mustard.

I'm looking for a dirty, dirty whore, a real filthy gutter-trollop, a low-self-esteem dork-strumpet who can read my smile from across the room and know what I'm thinking, and which part of her body I'm thinking about doing it to.

A best friend, really -- if by "best friend" you mean "busty fetish-queen whose idea of romance is the most degrading three minutes of sexual debasement imaginable."

When I nap, she'll "do things to me," "down there," and she'l break the sound barrier to get to me if I ever call her in dire need of a second woman when I'm getting it on with a call-girl.

We'd show all of our faces to each other, without fear, except when I need some "me-time," which is pretty much anytime she's not on all fours screeching like a gibbon in heat.

She'll crave the magic that happens every time we're in each other's dirty places.

Our conversations will be terse and chilly and she will answer "Yes, sir" or maybe "I will, Daddy."

Together, we'd be like school children, team-mates, lab partners, lovers of mystery and exploration, and our constant quest will be discover what more we can possibly fit inside her ass.

She'll love to be read Maxim, Cosmo, and Nigella Lawson's cookbooks, always looking for new ways to look hot, give me a better orgasm, and make me something interesting to eat. She'll try very hard to remember the important days in my year, like Humpday, which is, of course, Wednesday, and also every day of the week within three days of Wednesday.

She will prefer unmarked paths to pavement, and a good hike over fame, because I plan to use her as a fetch-dog when I go out squirrel-huntin'.

She'll be equally at home being a totally debased and filthy-sick whore in a nature preserve, a nightclub, a dingy diner or a ballpark or, again, in her ass.

My ideal woman is one who roots out what doesn't belong in her, like her ovaries, and puts in what does belong in her, like my filthy stinking hog and obscenely large silicone implants. (No saline, ladies; my pleasure comes before your health.)

She understands I need solitude from time to time and doesn't mind spending six or eight hours in the closet when I have my buddies over.

She appreciates that wind does funny things to me, and I'm a big fan of my own "wind," and she will be an even bigger fan of my "wind." When I crack out a good one, I expect her to stand up and applaud and exclaim, "Honey, that was so satisfying there must have been genetic material in it!"

Of course, she'll have "a past," probably as an erotic gymnast in some underground Bangkok sexual circus of dubious legality, but won't compare me to all the previous men she's had, nor, especially, to the farm animals, except, of course, to tell me I am better than, say, Walter The Wonder Donkey.

She believes in creating miracles, in my pants.

She won't like to share thoughts, unless it is some new, innovative way to give me pleasure. She will make me lots of desserts, and she has the good sense not to bring dirty rotten tree-leaves into the house like she were some retarded puppy.

Although, bonus points if she actually is retarded. Retards are freaks in the sack. It's always a turn-on when a man reduces a woman beneath the capacity for coherent speech, and this effect is easier to achieve when coherent speech is already a bit of a tricky proposition to begin with.

She strain for new ways to remain completely silent the way astronomers strain for new stars. And speaking of astronomy, she won't mind the fact that my telescope is pointed directly at the sorority house down the street.

She won't giggle, unless I've said something intended to be funny, in which case she'll tell me I'm so funny I make her moist and sometimes spontaneously climax.

She won't mind if I sometimes leave the dishes until morning, or even if I sometimes leave the body of the hobo I strangled last night in the bathtub, until morning. I do expect her, however, to clean all dishes left out until morning, and also hack apart the bodies of dead hobos and hitchhikers and carry them out of the house in garbage bags.

I would prefer it if she had the sense not to ask me, "Do these severed body parts get recycled?"

She'll have have much to teach me, mostly about my dirty, hairy balls.

Our chemistry will be palpable; she will understand and appreciate my hobbies and interests, especially my interest in videotaping the brutal sex sessions I have with her and selling them on the Internet for $9.99 a pop. X-Box games just don't buy themselves, you know.

The good in her will see the good in me, and, furthermore, she will want the good in me constantly poking around inside the good in her, and will love it when I pull the good in me out of the good in her and use the good in me to decorate her like she was a birthday cake.

Also, she should have really big tits.

I know I mentioned the breast-implants, but she should already be pretty huge up there already, because I really don't want those hiddeous strech-marks when I jack her up to a triple-E.

digg this
posted by Ace at 01:10 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
Braenyard: ">>>>I think the rumor is they are have talks about ..."

San Franpsycho: "People who read [i]The Guardian[/i] embrace third- ..."

illiniwek: "Usually "bad instructions" are because they are wr ..."

The ARC of History!: "[i]Virtually nobody moves from a First World count ..."

AZ deplorable moron: "Damn it! Read the content. Rookie mistake. Posted ..."

CrotchetyOldJarhead: "Lock rebuild instructions!? Poorly written? Pictu ..."

AZ deplorable moron: "When the Guardian tells you *anything* believe the ..."

Idaho Spudboy: "I miss the time when we could unironically call ou ..."

The ARC of History!: "Pretty simple to define: People move (by the mi ..."

Archimedes: "It's so strange that Third Worlders all want to co ..."

Dr. Bone: ">>>For "rebuilding" to work like it did in Japan y ..."

Braenyard: ">>>I respect the hell out of what Musk did, but th ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64