Update On Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey: Arrested On Old Stalking Warrants | Main | Washington State Gets Around To Criminalizing Bestiality
January 31, 2006

Cool Facts About Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey

* Can assume any of the following forms, 3x per day: bat, wolf, cloud of fog, and, for economic reasons, Papa Gino's Pizza Delivery Boy.

* Only has 15 hit dice, but nine of them are where it counts, if you know what I'm sayin'.

* Often reads comic books while playing A-Ha's Take On Me cranked up to 10, hoping he can "break through" to the comic-world beyond the panel.

So far, he's managed this trick just once; he appeared in a single Family Circus cartoon in which he ritually sacrificed "Billy" to Lord Asmodeus.

* Has a cumulative 5% chance of picking up a woman per snake or skull-with-roses tatoo she has on her legs, ass, or pudendum. If she has a dragon tatoo on at least half of her back, he receives a 50% circumstance bonus. If she has a Led Zeppellin "Zoso" glyph just above her ass, he doesn't need to roll. Automatic, baby.

* Never sold out; was into the Dark Cult of the Prince of Lies before it became all about the commercial endorsements and MTV appearances. For Sharky, it's still about the Satanism, man.

* Briefly served as a roadie for GWAR, until he "freaked them out too much."

* Although is nickname is "The Impaler," he has a less threatening name for his penis, which he calls "Mr. Polite, the Perfect Little Gentleman."

* Surprisingly, his all-time favorite show is Major Dad.

* Once a man tried to cut in line as he was getting a funnel-cake at Busch Gardens. There were no survivors.

* Only known man to use the sentence "It puts the lotion on its skin" without a hint of irony.

* Turn ons: Long walks on the beach, sunsets, and sustainable enviro-friendly development. Turn offs: Having his head cut off and his mouth filled with holy wafers.

digg this
posted by Ace at 12:53 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
All Hail Eris, She-Wolf of the 'Ettes 'Ettes: "Also, play music to motivate you. ([i]METAL!!![/i ..."

All Hail Eris, She-Wolf of the 'Ettes 'Ettes: "PaleRider, set a timer and do 20 mins of tasks and ..."

PaleRider, simply irredeemable : "I need some motivation. Should be writing a few ..."

Yor, the Hunter from the Future: "The shoot from which the banana fruit grew should ..."

Steve and Cold Bear: "[i]I have another conjecture: maybe most of the ga ..."

plum: "Posted by: All Hail Eris, She-Wolf of the 'Ettes ' ..."

All Hail Eris, She-Wolf of the 'Ettes 'Ettes: "Posted by: hogmartin at December 16, 2017 02:22 PM ..."

logprof: "This New Orleans Bowl has actually been pretty fun ..."

JEM: "[i]have another conjecture: maybe most of the gang ..."

All Hail Eris, She-Wolf of the 'Ettes 'Ettes: "I live vicariously through Horde gardens and seed ..."

plum: "Anyone know if the Whole Seed Catalog is worth the ..."

stace : "That is just awful that the Thomas fire is still r ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64