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January 31, 2006

Cool Facts About Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey

* Can assume any of the following forms, 3x per day: bat, wolf, cloud of fog, and, for economic reasons, Papa Gino's Pizza Delivery Boy.

* Only has 15 hit dice, but nine of them are where it counts, if you know what I'm sayin'.

* Often reads comic books while playing A-Ha's Take On Me cranked up to 10, hoping he can "break through" to the comic-world beyond the panel.

So far, he's managed this trick just once; he appeared in a single Family Circus cartoon in which he ritually sacrificed "Billy" to Lord Asmodeus.

* Has a cumulative 5% chance of picking up a woman per snake or skull-with-roses tatoo she has on her legs, ass, or pudendum. If she has a dragon tatoo on at least half of her back, he receives a 50% circumstance bonus. If she has a Led Zeppellin "Zoso" glyph just above her ass, he doesn't need to roll. Automatic, baby.

* Never sold out; was into the Dark Cult of the Prince of Lies before it became all about the commercial endorsements and MTV appearances. For Sharky, it's still about the Satanism, man.

* Briefly served as a roadie for GWAR, until he "freaked them out too much."

* Although is nickname is "The Impaler," he has a less threatening name for his penis, which he calls "Mr. Polite, the Perfect Little Gentleman."

* Surprisingly, his all-time favorite show is Major Dad.

* Once a man tried to cut in line as he was getting a funnel-cake at Busch Gardens. There were no survivors.

* Only known man to use the sentence "It puts the lotion on its skin" without a hint of irony.

* Turn ons: Long walks on the beach, sunsets, and sustainable enviro-friendly development. Turn offs: Having his head cut off and his mouth filled with holy wafers.


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