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Daily Tech News 3 December 2024
Monday Overnight Open Thread (12/2/24) - Doof A Case of the Mondays Cafe Congressional Report: "Scientists" At Heart of Creating Covid-19 In Wuhan Decieved Congress, May Face Prosecution Quick Hits Leftwing UK PM Keir Starmer: Damn These Conservatives For Unleashing This Dangerous Uncontrolled Mass Immigration On Us! Trump Nominates Revealer of the Russiagate Psyop Kash Patel to be New Director of the FBI Dave Reaboi: Why Did the Left Tell Antifa To Stand Down After Trump's Victory? "Showbiz Source:" George Clooney "Fuming" That Barack Obama "Manipulated" Him Into Calling for Biden's Ouster So That Our First Homosexual President Could Keep His Hands Clean Demented Liar Joe Biden Pardons His Spree Criminal Son After Years of Vowing He Would Never Do So Because He Trusts the Judiciary and Wants to Uphold Norms Absent Friends
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December 21, 2005
Top Thirty-Five Deep ThoughtsSorry, but I've included some of my own. I think they're good, and I don't want them to just disappear without notice. But I've tried to be objective about it. Still, I can't be that objective, because if they didn't strike me as funny personally, I wouldn't have written them, right? Anyway... the top 35, in as best an order of deepiness as I can figure it: 35) What if people who became leaders of political parties or Senators or governors or Presidents were just like other people after all? Except maybe with more money. Or they wanted to be powerful. Or maybe both. What then? -- Paul Freedman 34) Someone once told me that "still waters run deep." I know he was talking about that quiet guy in my class, but I couldn't help thinking about all those mosquitos they produce, too. -- Joanna 33 I never had much use for life jackets. And as I watched that little kid drown in the river, I remembered why. Drowning people can never find one when they need it. -- brak 32) Winners never quit and quitters never win. But, if you never win AND you never quit you're an idiot. -- Pistolero 31) If I'm ever trapped inside a burning nightclub with no way out except a painful death by immolation, I think it would be a good idea to turn to the guys next to you and say, "It's not so much the heat as the humidity." Because I think it's moments like that when we're most in need of a chuckle. -- ace 30) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -- and you have their shoes. -- SithChick 29) A friend told me I was up a creek without a paddle. I looked over and saw he had a paddle. <28 I think a great thing about my doctor is when he gives wise and gentle advice. Just this morning my doctor told me, "live today like its your last." -- SarahW 27) When I told my girlfriend I was doing to take her "like a Viking", I don't think she expected me to be wearing old blood-matted furs. 26) If I was ever in an elevator car that was dropped from a 747, I'd try to jump just before we hit the ground. I wouldn't want to die without saying I'd at least tried that. -- DeeDaGo 25) My grandfather once told me that women like to be pursued. What he did NOT tell me, the old bastard, was that you shouldn't do so wearing a ski mask and carrying a blood spattered shovel. -- USAdawg 24) My teacher told me there was a lot of wisdom in the pages of Aesop's Fables. But when I opened the book up, it was page after page of walking, talking animals. That doesn't seem so wise. Actually, it seems pretty naive. -- Ace 23) Personally, I like breat cancer. Breast cancer's great, especially on a cold winter's day when you first bite through the crackly outside and the flavor just fills your mouth. I know it's not good for you, but it's worth it.
22) They say that a million monkeys working for a million years will eventually produce the full text of Hamlet. But they'll never be able to produce something as simple as a Star Trek script, because monkeys cannot grasp the concept of the laser. -- Ace 21) I often think about what it would be like to begin my life over without losing what I have already learned. One thing I would do is avoid hitting my head as often. Another would be to make sure my roommate's girlfriend didn't forget her keys before I got naked and popped in a porno. -- Compos mentis 20) Years ago my grandpa told me "never pet a burning dog". 19) When it snows, I gather all the children around me, and say "It's true, there are two snowflakes exactly alike, and they're right there. There on the driveway. Push them all over to the side, then you'll find them. First one gets candy." 18) I have found that opportunity usually knocks at least three times. That's because no one ever really just pounds on a door once. It usually is a little more rhythmic and repetitive. I imagine that's so the people upstairs can hear you. -- DeeDaGo 17) A year after college I signed up to be assistant netter on a tuna boat. The crew was a real mix-- there were Portuguese, Italians, Irish, blacks, two Vietnamese guys, Hispanic guys from all over Latin America, and even a proud American Indian named Red Earth Walker. And I learned that everyone, no matter how different, has something to contribute, and that if we all pull together, no matter what our backgrounds, we can reach our goals together. You just have to keep your eye on the Dominicans, because they steal. -- Ace 16 They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade. Yesterday, life came up and handed me a couple of kumquats and said "good luck." -- Slublog 15) I remember when I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, and then I felt better. Sure, people still called me cheap, but I always said, ‘Yeah, well, you think I’m bad, get a load of Stumpy over there.’ 14) I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones but then again making your house out of glass isn't that bright to begin with. So go ahead and throw stones dumbass, serves you right. -- BigE 13) Did you ever take a dump and it smelled kind of like a burnt match? Wow, the other people in the train station must really think you're a nice guy. -- Big E 12) They say when you wish upon a falling star, your dreams really can come true. It's all a lot of nonsense, they're just idiots. That is what they say though, I'm not making that part up. -- Dave in Texas 11) I think that when someone asks you "How they hangin?" you should be allowed to drop your pants and check. And then you should offer to do the same for the guy who asked you. It's just good manners. -- Jimmie 10) When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying, and you still look good in your black trench-coat. -- SarahW 9) They say a man doesn't truly understand life until he's lying on the floor in a pool of his own cooling blood. So that's what I gave my brother for Christmas-- the gift of understanding. -- Ace 8) I look at the guy who comes in last in the 100 meters in the Olympics and think, wow he could have done just as good without training a day in his life. -- Polynikes 7) During my travels to the Orient, I walked the crowded streets, pausing to soak in the beautiful bouquets of a rich foreign culture. At least I think they were called "bouquets"; here they're called "hookers." Those crazy Asians. -- UGAdawg 6) If I had a billion dollars, I'd send out invitations to all of the smartest people in the world, the earth's greatest geniuses in medicine, science, philosophy, and art. I'd offer them each ten million dollars to come to my island retreat to solve all the world's problems -- war, hunger, pollution, disease, the alienation of man from his fellow man. Everyone who responded to my invitation would be seated at a large table where they could begin discussing positive ideas for the betterment of humanity. And then I'd have my men lock all the doors and set fire to the place and let them all burn alive. 5) I remeber fondly my Mother telling me of all the wonderful places they took me. I had such a great time, she said. Cape Cod, Disney World, Sturbridge Village. When I saw the pictures, I was surprised at how the rest of the world looked so much like my back yard. -- Tom M 4) I like to go visit the pediatric oncology ward and give presents to the little kids with the shaved heads and tubes up their noses. And when they open them up and discover it's actually dirt clods and gravel, I tell them, well, it's just not your day, is it? -- Orgegon Muse 3) I'll never forget the summer I spent working with mentally-challenged kids. The one things those little rascals have is pure, total honesty. If they tell you your shirt "looks like poop," you should probably run right on over to the store and exchange it. And if they tell you you're a "fierce but sensuous lover," well, you can probably bank on that too. -- Ace 2) Whenever I hear a woman say "I love babies," I always tell them "Oh yeah? Why don't you imagine saying that again, except this time say 'Nazis' instead of 'babies.' Pretty racist, huh?" 1) If starship full of aliens lands on the earth tomorrow, and they are totally peaceful and want to be our friends, I hope they don't taste like chicken because we already know what that tastes like. -- Ed Jordan Thinking... time for Cool Facts About Chris Klein? 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Daily Tech News 3 December 2024
Monday Overnight Open Thread (12/2/24) - Doof A Case of the Mondays Cafe Congressional Report: "Scientists" At Heart of Creating Covid-19 In Wuhan Decieved Congress, May Face Prosecution Quick Hits Leftwing UK PM Keir Starmer: Damn These Conservatives For Unleashing This Dangerous Uncontrolled Mass Immigration On Us! Trump Nominates Revealer of the Russiagate Psyop Kash Patel to be New Director of the FBI Dave Reaboi: Why Did the Left Tell Antifa To Stand Down After Trump's Victory? "Showbiz Source:" George Clooney "Fuming" That Barack Obama "Manipulated" Him Into Calling for Biden's Ouster So That Our First Homosexual President Could Keep His Hands Clean Demented Liar Joe Biden Pardons His Spree Criminal Son After Years of Vowing He Would Never Do So Because He Trusts the Judiciary and Wants to Uphold Norms Search
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Paul Anka Haiku Contest Announcement Integrity SAT's: Entrance Exam for Paul Anka's Band AllahPundit's Paul Anka 45's Collection AnkaPundit: Paul Anka Takes Over the Site for a Weekend (Continues through to Monday's postings) George Bush Slices Don Rumsfeld Like an F*ckin' Hammer Top Top Tens
Democratic Forays into Erotica New Shows On Gore's DNC/MTV Network Nicknames for Potatoes, By People Who Really Hate Potatoes Star Wars Euphemisms for Self-Abuse Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party" Signs Your Clown Has Gone Bad Signs That You, Geroge Michael, Should Probably Just Give It Up Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Kerry NYT Headlines Spinning Bush's Jobs Boom Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?" Signs that Paul Krugman Has Lost His Frickin' Mind All-Time Best NBA Players, According to Senator Robert Byrd Other Bad Things About the Jews, According to the Koran Signs That David Letterman Just Doesn't Care Anymore Examples of Bob Kerrey's Insufferable Racial Jackassery Signs Andy Rooney Is Going Senile Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her Appearance Collective Names for Groups of People John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets Cool Things About the XM8 Assault Rifle Media-Approved Facts About the Democrat Spy Changes to Make Christianity More "Inclusive" Secret John Kerry Senatorial Accomplishments John Edwards Campaign Excuses John Kerry Pick-Up Lines Changes Liberal Senator George Michell Will Make at Disney Torments in Dog-Hell Greatest Hitjobs
The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny More Margaret Cho Abuse Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed" Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means Wonkette's Stand-Up Act Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report! Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet The House of Love: Paul Krugman A Michael Moore Mystery (TM) The Dowd-O-Matic! Liberal Consistency and Other Myths Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate "Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long) The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) |