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December 05, 2005

First Ever Golden Cheneys (TM) Awards

As judged and presented by Special AoSHQ Judging-Stuff Guy Michael:

Thanks to Ace for allowing me to judge this contest. Yes, I know he was just being malicious because I ragged on him about announcing winners of the Bad Poetry Contest. Nevertheless, I truly have enjoyed reviewing the many excellent entries that have been submitted.

Thanks also to those of you who nominated winners in the “Best of” thread. I had to make a lot of close calls, and your input was very helpful.

Before we begin, some procedural matters.

1. I will first announce category winners, then runners-up for the overall winner, then the winner. Category winners were still considered eligible for an overall win, so don’t assume you are out of the running if you win a category.

2. In the rules that I posted, I disqualified Ace’s entries on their merits (wanting to avoid the appearance of sucking up). However, I did promise Ace that he, like anyone else, could attempt to influence me with offers of money or sex. In fact, Ace (and only Ace) sent me an email offering me “48 hours of hot sweaty man-love that you will never forget,” so I feel obliged to honor my promise and consider Ace’s entries.

3. Honorable Mentions are due for the renditions of the classic “Aristocrats” joke format by Andrew and TooBeano. I don’t really consider this original material, so they didn’t win anything. But these gags were executed with spew-inducing craftsmanship and deserve recognition.

4. I know that Monty is going to think he didn’t win anything because I am petty and vindictive about getting beaten in the Bad Poetry Contest. He’s probably right.

5. Yes, I read every friggin’ entry through 5 p.m. E.S.T on Saturday, and considered entries that were not nominated.

On to the category awards.

Best Bestiality Joke: < As many of you know, the site owner is somewhat of a specialist in this area, and had many outstanding entries. I would not ordinarily have expected him to be challenged in this genre.

However, an early and stunning entry by Andrew ultimately was my favorite:

Dick Cheney once taught a class on international relations at Johns Hopkins. The lectures consisted of Cheney leading a leashed mastiff up to the podium, and then sodomizing it for ninety minutes straight. Students swear they heard it say "Thank you."

Best Reference To Arcane AOSHQ Inside Stuff: Dozens of entries in this category, many of them excellent, many others just feeble “like a Viking” stuff. The winner was nominated only by the discerning See-Dubya.

I’m guessing that very few readers got it, which is exactly why this entry is going to win. My hat is off to lauraw for her sly and subtle reference to a long-expired thread on vampire traits:

Dick Cheney won't come into your home unless you invite him in.

Because he's really polite.

Best Movie Reference: Not an easy choice, but in the end I kept coming back to Sobek’s invocation of the “good safety tip” scene from Ghostbusters:

Saved the Ghostbusters from certain destruction by telling them to cross the streams. Coincidentally, the only way to harm Dick Cheney is by crossing the streams.

Best Sports Reference: The self-described “noted blog personality” Jack M. wins with this witty entry:

Forget the computer rankings. Teams are matched up in college football bowl games under the BCS (Because Cheney Says!) system.

Best Literary Reference: No contest here. The reference to H.P. Lovecraft by The Colossus is a clear favorite:

When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now".

Best Superpowers Joke: Another recurring theme was the supernatural capabilities of our Veep (or his cock). VRWC came up with what I thought was the cleverest entry:

Dick Cheney was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, imparting to the spider Cheney-like powers.

Best Sex Joke: This being AOSHQ, Cheney’s sexual prowess and proclivities attracted an enormous amount of talent. Reo Symes gets the nod for his quirky entry in this category:

After sex, don't count on Dick Cheney to cuddle.

Unless by "cuddle" you mean "bury your corpse."

Best Homage to the AOSHQ Lifestyle™: Also, a post that is just plain weird. Congrats to Alex_fs for this gem:

Dick Cheney's first aid cabinet contains a jug of kerosene, a hacksaw, and a 17-year-old Thai hooker.

Best Slam of a Fellow Commenter: I don’t even understand this comment by Bart, and it’s still funny:

Dick Cheney created Spurwing Plover using only his own saliva and bread crumbs.

Best Administration Joke: Many entries focused on Cheney’s role within the Bush Administration. Amongst many excellent posts, Dee Da Go offered the funniest one for me:

The eighth rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... If this is your first time in the Rose Garden, you have to fight.

Best Gratuitous Cruelty Joke: Scores of entries focused on Cheney’s well-known monstrously evil nature. Many were exceptional, including Reo’s “candy for diabetic babies” post, but Edward R. Murrow really got my attention with this entry:

Once, a protestor yelled at Dick Cheney while he was walking through Washington.

Dick Cheney smiled, then ripped the man's heart from his chest and ate it raw in front of the guy's kid. When the kid cried, Dick Cheney said, "Oh, don't be such a fucking pussy," and spit blood on the sidewalk.

Best Dig at Ace: OregonMuse carried a hallowed tradition at AOSHQ forward. Somehow, her response morphed into the official size of Cheney’s schlong:

Incidentally, ace, Inna Gadda da Vida is actually 17 minutes long.

17'34" I believe.

Best Dig at Bill Ardolino: The Banned by Bill Association™ met in a solemn conclave on Saturday evening. After reviewing all the evidence, the Association unanimously passed a resolution declaring that Michael had been unfairly banned from INDC Journal. The Association then unanimously chose Russ from Winterset as the honoree for the Best Dig at Bill:

You know what INDC stands for?


Yeah, as if we couldn't guess that.

Best Entry By a Mental Patient: I went back and forth on this. When you read See-Dubya’s “clip clop splud” rant, you can only hope that he is safely housed in a locked ward somewhere. But for sheer dementedness, and many arch references, yaminohasha’s late-night entry gets my vote:

Dick Cheney's dark powers, when not being harnessed and channeled by their master (i.e. sneers and hobo murder), manifest in the corporeal world through a phenomenon described by one noted scholar as "loose shit." It's not known if this result is explicitly tied to the temporal continuity of Dick Cheney. One proposed theory states the existence of Dick Cheney at any point in the timeline may explain everything from the Big Bang, to the Heat-Death of the Universe, and even beyond to blackhole evaporation and the very existence of entropy. Another noted scholar known only as "Joe" disappeared promptly after beginning an investigation into the Cheney-Entropy theory.

Best Topical Reference: Another strong field, with various references to the Crab Nebula, the unfortunate incident with the horse, Helen Thomas, and so forth. Sean M. penned a winner at 1:16 am. with his reference to Bill Richardson. He got an extra point for actually including a link:

Back in the mid-60s, Dick Cheney pretended to be a scout for the Kansas City A's, just so he could fuck with Bill Richardson's head.

Best Pop Culture Reference: This genre attracted lots of talent. Skinbad is a winner with his entry on Friday. Extra points were awarded for mocking an asshat like Tom Cruise:

After a date with Dick Cheney's penis, Nicole Kidman gushed, "I'm so glad I can wear heels again!"

Best Penis Joke: Probably more lame entries in this category than any other, but several excellent ones. Congrats to adolfo velasquez for some genuine wit:

Cheney’s penis isn’t that big. I want all of the women here to know that the “grotesquely huge penis thing” is a myth.

(Psst. Cheney’s penis is right behind me, making me type this. Call 911.)

Best Camp Reference: Really only one entry, by BumperStickerist, a reference to Garrisson Kiellor’s classic Prairie Home Companion radio program on National Public Radio:

Lake Woebegone, that place where all the women are strong? Dick Cheney fucked 'em.

And, in Lake Woebegone, all the kids are above average. This is probably also a result of Cheney’s activities there.

Jeff Goldstein Geek Award: This is for the Protein Wisdom fans that may also visit this site. If you don’t get this joke, you can g0ogle “Schrodinger cat box”. I present to you a masterpiece crafted by CS:

Dick Cheney knows the cat is dead. He doesn't need to open the box.

Best Gross Joke: Let’s face it, many of you people are just plain disgusting, but nobody is more so than compos mentis:

DC skull-fucked Al Franken so hard his dead grandfather had a migraine for a month. He then tore off Franken's ears and shoved them up his ass so he could hear his own flatulating commentary.

So much for the category awards. We proceed to the finalists:

The Fifth Runner Up: I don’t think anyone even nominated this. But I’m the judge and you’re not, and I got a huge laugh from it. Congrats, krakatoa:

Dick Cheney wrote the following children's books:

"Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?"

"Santa Clause, RIP"

"Everything I need to know in life, I BEAT from my kindergarten teacher."

Psychiatrists pay him annual royalties.

The Fourth Runner Up: This one from compos mentis could have been a winner in several of the categories. The inclusion of “grateful” was a nice touch:

After brutally ass raping a grateful John Murtha, VP Cheney wiped his veined viper on the curtains, drank some orange juice, and then topped off the carton with piss prior to leaving for the White House this morning.

The Third Runner Up: The best of the many bizarre entries by Dee Da Go:

After turning down an offer from Mafia Don, Cheney woke up with a horse head in his bed. He grabbed it, held it like a teddy bear, and went back to sleep.

The Second Runner Up: The field tended to weaken as time went by and the participants strained for originality, but a late and funny entry came in from ArmChair in sin:

DC: Babs, do you know why you have one more brain cell than a cow?

BB: Huh?

DC: So when I squeeze your tits, you won't shit on my shoes. Let's eat.

The First Runner Up: This award goes to, um, well, *coughAcecough*, I mean, it was a tough decision. Geez, I hate to do this. I soooo much wanted to shut out a certain blogger, even though he was posting like a maniac and had many brilliant entries, and I don’t really want his proffered “man-love.” But this one could not be ignored:

While on a sex-spree in a Tijuana whorehouse, Dick Cheney used a live cougar as a condom.

The bodycount was fourteen Mexican whores and one cougar.

In Tijuana, they refer to this as "The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar-Man."
Dick Cheney refers to it as "last Thursday."

Many of you are thinking: “Shit, I haven’t been mentioned yet, and I posted a really really good one. Maybe I’m the Winner!” You’re right! It could be you (unless you are Monty). Let’s see:

The Winner: For me, the biggest and best belly laugh came early, and was never surpassed. The winning entry, in my opinion, is spare, elegant, outrageous, and just friggin’ hilarious. My sincere congratulations and thanks to skinbad for this contribution:

His snarl was formed at an early age. While breastfeeding, he'd tell his dad to "Back the fuck off."
Thanks for participating in the AOSHQ Cool Facts About Cheney Contest, and God bless you all.

Ace: What is this, the Mummers? Thanks to all who participated and thanks especially to Michael for slogging through over 1000 posts and nearly that many entries.

Ace's Edit: Michael's incorrect correction of the Ghostbusters joke has been correctly corrected.

I don't know why he's like this. He doesn't do this for a living.

digg this
posted by Ace at 12:21 PM

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