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September 26, 2004

Haiku Contest Winners

MeTooThen sent me the following official winners (as he sees it and he decrees it) with his commentary, except I've done some editing, clarifying, and added the prizes.


As a guide to judging I used the following references:

Writing and Enjoying Haiku by Jane Reichhold,
published by Kodansha International, 2002

A Net of Fireflies by Harold Stewart, Charles E.
Tuttle Company, 1960

Wabi-Sabi, for Artists, Designers, Poets &
Philosophers by Leonard Koren, Stone Bridge Press,

In the “Where’s Joe?” Category comes these, from Joe.

Good enough for me.
Run it through the copier
Fifteen fucking times.

I have documents.
Kerning? What the fuck is that?
Fake, but accurate.

Posted by Joe R.

Prize: One copy of John Tesh's A Deeper Faith, signed by the artist himself with the inscription, "I still can't believe I'm banging Connie Fucking Selecca. My Mom was a genius for forcing me to take harpsicord lessons. Keep Rockin'-- John."

In the “Don't Make a Fucking Maniac Out of Me” Category...

Runner Up:

An empty walker.
Bedside oxygen unhooked.
Who let Rather out?

Posted by the UNPOPULIST.

Prize: The Unpopulist will soon be the proud owner of a limited-edition lithograph of former Clinton Secretary of Labor Robert Reich's foray into tasteful homoerotica:

The photograph is titled Butter My Baguette.

Winner in Category:

Dan Rather's a hack,
And a really bad one too.
I question timing.

The documents are
actually real in content if
not in their forged form.

Burkett isn't a base
political partisan
he's unimpeachable.

Dole would kick his ass
Surely, he's on fricken' fire,
Like a viking, ace.

Posted by Rob.

Prize: Rob wins a copy of Rich "Psycho" Giamboni's upcoming collection of wit and wisdom, tentatively titled I've Got a Shovel and a Bag of Lime and the Only Thing Keeping You Alive is Well-Nigh Superhuman Level of Emotional Restraint.


Of all the many Haiku submitted, the following are the most
authentic, or put another way, these are the ones with

Each contains a reference to season, and
the sense of transience or fading. These are important
elements to Haiku. Each also deals with the subject
of the memos and/or the larger issue of their
relationship to the election.

Runners Up:

Like fallen leaves
Big media turns to dust
Blown away by truth

Posted by HFreeman.

Prize: HFreeman is the proud winner of a day with Dan Rather during his impending retirement. He'll spend 24 hours tying lures and hearing for the five bazillionth fucking time how Daring Dan "really stood up to Nixon."

And then he also gets a length of rope with which to hang himself.

Lacking honesty
An anchorman falls like snow
Blown from a mountain.

Posted by Chris.

Prize: Chris wins one copy of Joshua Micah Marshall's unfinished novel, which he's been working on for eight years.

The novel has no title and is only twenty-six pages long. So far it doesn't seem to be anything more than a journal about hanging out at Starbucks six to eight hours a day interspersed with sexual fantasies about "Willow"/"The Band Camp Girl" from American Pie.

bright burning memos
Cinders fall on black asphalt
Nothing can trace them

Posted by SarahW.

Prize: SarahW. wins a Mary Mapes-scheduled four minute phone call with Joe Lockhart. She can talk about documents, the SwiftVets, or whatever, if you know what I'm talking about.


Snow on Mt. Fuji
Settles soft and white, like death,
Like burnt memo ash.

Posted by Sobek.

Prize: One Oliver Willis foot massage. I tried to negotiate him massaging your feet, but no dice-- you get to massage his.

Falling Redux

Burnt memo ash
Falls soft and white

MeTooThen (thanks to Sobek)

Prize: For having the insight and wisdom to reward his own haiku, MeTooThen gets a signed copy of Bush's 2000 Vice Presidential Search Committee official recommendation, in which Dick Cheney decides the best possible Vice Presidential candidate would be... Dick Cheney.

Winner in Category:

election cycle
the kerry campaign withers
musty autumn leaves

Posted by msl.

Prize: My sixth-grade shoebox diorama of the Pilgrims celebrating the first Thanksgiving with the Indians, featuring Han Solo as Captain John Smith, Optimus Prime as "Indian Chief BigRig," and Greedo (in a customized gown made of tissue paper) as Pocahantas.

The diorama also features the garbage-compactor monster from Star Wars, but I don't know what the hell he's supposed to represent. Perhaps he's symbolic for the betrayal of the White Man. Even as a sixth-grader, I knew how to kiss up to liberal teachers.


In the “Do You Like Your Job?” Category, come these, both by LauraW:

Runner Up:

Danny put me some
Fucking Integrity here.
Do you like your job?

Winner in Category:

Clinton in his bed
Gazes up at the ceiling
There's a mirror there

Prize: For these two haikus, LauraW becomes the new owner of my pet monkey "Monsieur Beppo." I got Monsieur Beppo off a gypsy grifter in Marseilles; he was apparently trained to steal jewelry off tourists.

Unfortunately, Monsieur Beppo mistakes the human eyeball for jewelry, and he's constantly attempting to snatch human eyes from their sockets.

This isn't a probelm for me, since I tend to wear safety goggles around the house 24/7 anyway (I'm a major soldering enthusiast, as well as a big fan of the style of Kareem Abdul Jabbar), but, before you decide to accept Monsieur Beppo, you have to decide 1) if you're ready for a pet monkey and 2) if you put a priority on retaining your current number of functioning eyes.


From the “You Thought” Category come these:


Thumbing through thrilling
theory, thieves thank themselves. Think
thomeone'll notith?

Posted by JHeslin.

Prize: JHeslin wins a copy of my unfinished homebrew fantasy role-playing game, titled DEATHMASTERS-- THE MURDER-CORPS OF WARFACTION: BLADEKILLER.

It's about elves.


I trusted he who
said what I wanted to hear.
Does that make me bad?

Posted by Bear.

Prize: Bear wins the remaining four months of my Heath Ledger Fan Club Membership. I'm keeping the iron-on Heath Ledger patch. Sorry. It's already on my jean-jacket.


In the category of “Loose Shit” are these haikus:



How's "I will not rate?"
"Sweet" said Mr. Tickles (the
Dude on my shoulder).

Posted by tachyonshuggy.

Prize: TachyonShuggy wins a year's supply of Snausages, Sausage Flavored Dog Treats, as well as the new product from the Snausage folks, Smeatballs.

Winner in Category:

The Blog
on little bunny slippered feet.
It sips coffee
sleepy eyed
with uncombed hair
and then moves on.

Posted by Dave.

Prize: Dave wins my prized collection of Red Lobster matchbooks and lobster-bibs.


In the category, "Slice Like a Fuckin' Hammer" come these:

Runner Up:


Dan scans the ashes
of his career. Pokes them with
a stick. Still burning

Posted by JHeslin.

Prize: JH is now the proud owner this super-extended European "I Gotta Have More Cowbell" Mega-Mix.

(Link provided to me by Len, by the way.)

Winner in Category:

Tears fall silently on
CBS mementos glistening,
Dan sits on the sidewalk.

Posted by Cedarford.

Prize: MeTooThen says that Cedarford also takes the prize for "Best Pure Poetry" (although he's not the overall winner of the contest).

For slicing like a fucking hammer, Cedarford wins a powerful symbol of slicing like a fucking hammer-- one of the sweatbands worn by Lawrence Taylor when he broke Joe Thiesmann's leg like a fuckin' popsicle stick.

Dude, you must be psyched. I would be.


In the Category of “That's Just the Fuckin' Way It Is"...

And the contest's Overall Winner...

Cambodian Christmas

Like seared memories,
Forgeries show inner truth.
Fuck actual truth.

Posted by Dave Pasquino.

Prize: Dave posted the best haiku of the contest, and therefore he gets the best damn prize of all. Dave gets this link to sensuous homoerotic "slash" fan fiction of Captain "Jim" Kirk having sex with First Officer Spock:

"Two of the reports told me that male Vulcans can perform oral sex on themselves," said Kirk suddenly.

Spock blinked, digesting this new topic. "The flexibility of the Vulcan skeleton allows the body to bend in ways that would be impossible for nearly every Human."

"What about a half-Human?"

"I have never attempted it," Spock mused to himself, looking interested in the abstract, "although I expect an attempt would be successful. I am in good physical shape."

"Can I watch?"

"You wish me to perform this act *now*?" Spock walked closer to the bed and brushed his hand against Jim's. The Human shifted ever so slightly against the bedclothes and Spock eyed the appealing bulge in his pants.

Kirk shrugged playfully. "Why not? We've got time. We don't always have that."

Spock drew closer to permit Jim access to his body. Jim reached out and slipped one lazy hand inside the folds of Spock's bathrobe. Spock closed his eyes and shivered slightly as Jim's hand closed around his growing erection. A tug and a half and it throbbed to its full length.

There's more -- so much more -- at the link. Congratulations, Dave. And may stories of Kirk dorking Spock up the buttpie bring you as much pleasure as they've brought me.

And thanks again to MeTooThen, who did me a real favor categorizing and judging these haikus. Thanks, pal. I owe ya.

digg this
posted by Ace at 10:12 PM

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