Best of: VC the Flyin' Wonderdog and John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets | Main | The SwiftVets On the Warpath, Again
September 17, 2004

Best of: Six Words Never Used Together Before-- Bob Dole is on Frickin' Fire

John Kerry calls Bob Dole. Bob Dole tells Kerry off. Bob Dole absolutely pins back Kerry's ears with an attack on Kerry's use of surrogates to call Bush a deserter.

Content Warning: Some R-rated potty mouth in the following Top Ten. Probably nothing to get too panicked about; I mean, it's Bob Dole we're talking about.


Top Ten Signs That Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire

10. Now spends upwards on four hours a day "workin' on his lats;" public speeches are sprinkled liberally with weightlifting catchphrases, such as "You gotta want it" and "Feel the burn!"

9. Elizabeth Dole appears scared shitless; when asked about her and her husband's love life, stutters incoherent and ominous remark about "The Sessions"

8. Old Bob Dole: Quiet evenings spent watching Matlock re-runs on PAX;
New Bob Dole: Now known as "B.D. Slam," organizes secret spontaneous all-nude "rave" parties featuring gangbangs and coked-up leopards

7. A roughed-up Paul Anka recently declared, "I, and Senator Bob Dole of Kansas, are the only important ones on that stage"

6. Has begun wrestling alligators; also, has begun fucking them

5. Old verbal idiosyncracy: referred to himself in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole" or "Bob Dole will cut your taxes";
New verbal idiosyncracy: refers to his cock in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole's cock" or "Bob Dole's cock will cut your taxes"

4. Stodgy off-the-rack suits have been replaced by bicycle shorts and pimped-out furs

3. Keeps calling whoreblogger Washingtonienne about "getting together for lunch and/or anal"

2. New demand for speaking appearances: must be intro'd by If You Want It (Here It Is, Come and Get It) by Badfinger; always exits to the blaring Theme From the A-Team

...and the Number One Sign that Bob Dole is On Fucking Fire...

1. Old Bob Dole Endorsement: Viagra
New Bob Dole Endorsement: Swingers' clubs

digg this
posted by Ace at 04:09 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Grimmy: "Lol, I just got a Google News Alert on my phone, t ..."

Hesco Gypsy, staring from 457 meters: "Biden laid a lot of mines for himself. He took sev ..."

Dave in Fla: "I just typed it, so it ain't getting willowed... ..."

Trump poisoned my cat (Joe Biden Didn't Kill Himself: "51 Missing the point. It didn't Go Bad for Biden. ..."

Mark1971: "Will Tucker slam Chris Wallace tonight? Really a t ..."

JackStraw: "Funny thing is I doubt Trump would come out with t ..."

BignJames: "You guys really aughta lay back, have a drink, and ..."

Margarita DeVille: "337 Not a word about "this clown" or " just shut u ..."

Archer: "I think Joe and the DNC read Sun Tzu upside down.& ..."

Hillary!: "I don't know about all this Catholic stuff, but my ..."

BurtTC: "In short: Trump lost this one, but not by enough t ..."

Dave in Fla: "2012 the Luntz focus group of independents gave th ..."

Recent Entries
Search


Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64