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September 17, 2004

Best of: Six Words Never Used Together Before-- Bob Dole is on Frickin' Fire

John Kerry calls Bob Dole. Bob Dole tells Kerry off. Bob Dole absolutely pins back Kerry's ears with an attack on Kerry's use of surrogates to call Bush a deserter.

Content Warning: Some R-rated potty mouth in the following Top Ten. Probably nothing to get too panicked about; I mean, it's Bob Dole we're talking about.


Top Ten Signs That Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire

10. Now spends upwards on four hours a day "workin' on his lats;" public speeches are sprinkled liberally with weightlifting catchphrases, such as "You gotta want it" and "Feel the burn!"

9. Elizabeth Dole appears scared shitless; when asked about her and her husband's love life, stutters incoherent and ominous remark about "The Sessions"

8. Old Bob Dole: Quiet evenings spent watching Matlock re-runs on PAX;
New Bob Dole: Now known as "B.D. Slam," organizes secret spontaneous all-nude "rave" parties featuring gangbangs and coked-up leopards

7. A roughed-up Paul Anka recently declared, "I, and Senator Bob Dole of Kansas, are the only important ones on that stage"

6. Has begun wrestling alligators; also, has begun fucking them

5. Old verbal idiosyncracy: referred to himself in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole" or "Bob Dole will cut your taxes";
New verbal idiosyncracy: refers to his cock in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole's cock" or "Bob Dole's cock will cut your taxes"

4. Stodgy off-the-rack suits have been replaced by bicycle shorts and pimped-out furs

3. Keeps calling whoreblogger Washingtonienne about "getting together for lunch and/or anal"

2. New demand for speaking appearances: must be intro'd by If You Want It (Here It Is, Come and Get It) by Badfinger; always exits to the blaring Theme From the A-Team

...and the Number One Sign that Bob Dole is On Fucking Fire...

1. Old Bob Dole Endorsement: Viagra
New Bob Dole Endorsement: Swingers' clubs

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posted by Ace at 04:09 PM

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