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September 15, 2004

Top Ten CBS Statements Planned for Today

10. "In order to correct perceived problems in how we handled this story as a news company, we are proud to announce we are bringing in a whole new team of highly-professional managers who've shown much greater skill in running an organization -- the Kerry campaign staff."

9. "The authenticity of the documents has now been conclusively proven by David Caruso of CSI: Miami."

8. "CBS is proud to announce that Wednesday's 60 Minutes II was actually the first episode of its new show, Punk'd! with Ashton Kutcher and Dan Rather."

7. "To demonstrate that CBS has no political bias whatsoever, we will immediately begin expressing our admiration for our 40th President by running our documentary The Reagans twice a week every week until the November election."

6. "In order to positively establish the authenticity of the memos, CBS will air a special one-hour episode of Crossing Over With John Edward; the famous mentalist will attempt to contact the ghost of Jerry Killian by asking a studio audience, 'I'm getting a W. Does anyone know a W? Is there a W somehow connected to all this?'"

5. "CBS News is announcing a new slogan: If your ratings are in the tank anyway, they might as well be in the tank for John Kerry; we've got John Tesh working on a jaunty jingle."

4. "Six Words: Dan Rather's Hawaiian Shirt Gonzo Fridays."

3. "In order to better serve our audience, we will soon be posting a second draft of the documents in question; we promise this corrected and clarified draft won't be proportionally spaced or have those superscript doohickeys everyone seems so bothered about."

2. "We're having so much damn fun with this crap, we've decided to libel General William Westmoreland again. Don't say you heard this from us, but just between you and me-- Westmoreland? Homo."

...and the Number One CBS Statement Planned for Today...

1. "You know that news-channel Al Gore was trying to create? Well guess what, Chief-- you're looking at it."


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