Saturday Night Club ONT - March 28, 2026 [D Squared]

Welcome to Club ONT - a collaboration of The Disco and The Dino. Come in in, grab a drink or 3. If you do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around, you'll find out what its all about.

[Top photo: Pittsburgh Lightning, Dave DiCello]

Saturday Night Jokes and Other Funnies

An old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can. What's the name and room number?"

The old lady, in her weak voice, said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes, the operator returned and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The old lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

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A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,

"Well, that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen."

Drink of the Night

To commemorate the start of baseball season, tonight we feature a Ballpark Paloma.

Ballpark Paloma cocktail recipe: *1.5 oz Patrón Añejo *.75 oz Fresh grapefruit juice *.5 oz Simple syrup *.25 oz Fresh lime juice *1 Egg white *Peychaud’s Bitters *Tajin seasoning rim

METHOD
1. Combine the first five ingredients in an empty cocktail shaker.
2. Dry shake vigorously until combined.
3. Add ice to shaker and shake again to chill.
4. Double strain into a coupe glass rimmed with Tajín.
5. Top with drops of bitters to resemble baseball stitching.

Club ONT Department of Youthful Exuberance

Club ONT Department of Traffic Congestion

Club ONT Animal Crime Blotter

Diaper-wearing monkey tries to enter Michigan home

A recording of a dispatcher contacting Saginaw County Animal Care & Control confirmed a 911 call came in about 1 p.m. Wednesday from a St. Charles resident.

"Caller has a monkey wearing a diaper that's on their porch trying to get inside their house," the dispatcher says in the recording. "I guess it belongs to their new neighbors."

Officers arrived to find the female spider monkey, named Brazil, had already been returned to its home next door.

Authorities confirmed Brazil's owner was the same woman who brought a squirrel money into the Bay County Court Facility in 2017. The monkey was inside the woman's purse when she put it through the X-ray scanner.

Michigan does not have any laws prohibiting monkeys as pets. St. Charles does not have any local ordinances limiting primate ownership.

Congratulations Michigan. Sounds a lot like something that would be reported through the Pittsburgh scanner.

Club ONT Department of Airport Activity

Philadelphia airport assembles world's longest line of cheesesteaks

March 25 (UPI) -- Philadelphia International Airport celebrated National Cheesesteak Day by breaking the Guinness World Record for the longest line of cheesesteaks.

Airport eateries from PHL Food & Shops teamed up with the City of Philadelphia Department of Aviation to assemble 1,291 cheesesteaks on the concourse between Terminals B and C on Tuesday.

The sandwiches were made from a total 225 pounds of cheese sauce, 990 pounds of shaved beef and 1,291 foot-long rolls.

A Guinness World Records adjudicator was on hand to confirm the snaking line of sandwich was enough to create a new record.

Hmmm.... The Philadelphia airport delays were previously attributed to TSA funding and staffing, but apparently there is another explanation?!

Too soon?

The Club ONT Jukebox

We're featuring ladies of rock tonight!

Prayers for the Horde from Reverend Hrothgar:

Top 10ish Comments of the Week

Club ONT is brought to you tonight by questionable infant placement

Club ONT sincerely hopes you've had the time of your life. We know that you've never felt like this before. Stop looking at us with those hungry eyes!

posted by Open Blogger at 10:00 PM

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