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May 22, 2020

The Morning Rant

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Re: Restaurant Reopening Guidelines Update

Greetings, fellow Coloradoaoans!

The plan for a phased reopening is proceeding as well as could be expected. But we're having difficulties with restaurants, with recalcitrant owners complaining that the requirements for cleaning restrooms every 30 minutes, asking customers to wear masks at all times except when actually putting food in their mouths, petty and meaningless floor decals, the expense of preparing large numbers of single-use menus, forbidding buffets and self-serve stations, etc. being onerous and unnecessary. Customer registration is also going well, and we totes swear that we will not be using any information gathered to track movements outside of public health concerns. But we are having difficulty establishing the whereabouts of a number of citizens who have registered at various restaurants in the state:

Heywood Jablome
Mike Oxlong
Daffy Duck
Hugh G. Rection
Queen Victoria
I. P. Freeley
Jenna Talia
Drew Peacock
Brock O'Leigh
Anita Gofradump
Ross Ewage
Phil McKraken
Emperor Palpatine
Incontinentia Buttocks
Miles O'Toole
Colin Oscopy
E. Norma Stits
Buzz Lightyear
Chris P. Bacon
Richard Nixon
Amanda Huggandkiss

If you know the whereabouts of any of these individuals, please contact our Restaurant Enforcement Compliance Officer Karen Von Snoop at 303-XXX-XXXX. Thank you.


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Listen, Fat:

This is 2020:

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Ron's Tweet Did Not Age Well:

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Higher Education is Garbage:

Meanwhile, in England:

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Who Dis:

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For the 'Ettes:

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Wedneday's celebs: Father and daughter Jon Voight and Angelina Jolie, as nearly everyone guessed (Every now and then I like to toss out an easy one). Most of you know they did make a movie together, namely, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Most of you probably don't know, however, that they also appeared together in a comedy movie, Lookin' To Get Out. Since it has a 1982 release date, Angelina must've been, what, 7 or 8 years old? And since her name appears way down toward the bottom of the credits, it was probably a very small part. I think that even at that age, her beauty was enough to attract the attention of Hollywood child rapists, so I really hope her father was able to protect her from them.

Today's Edition Of The Morning Rant Is Brought To You By Baked Sour Cream Donuts:

"make glaze" should be "maple glaze".

Donut recipe here.

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posted by OregonMuse at 11:12 AM

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