Babylon Bee Goofs on CNN Cutlists

Faith tested is faith strengthened.

ATLANTA, GA--Anchors at CNN headquarters have made a bold statement of unwavering faith after the Mueller Report revealed no actual evidence that Trump colluded with Russia. "We believe in collusion with all our hearts and will never let the world's teachings get in the way of that," said Jim Acosta while mumbling mantras quietly in a room misty with burning incense.

"If God allowed this report to be written in the manner that it was, He did so to test our unshakable faith in what we know to be true," said Anderson Cooper.

"We believe in the one true Russian collusion, the one that was spoken into truth and made real far before any evidence was brought before this dark world," added Natalie Allen.

They then recited the Collusion Catechism, but you'll have to click over for that.

Oh -- and who will CNN be criminally blackmailing (threat to dox + demand that one give up a right one has, such as free speech) the maker of this gif?

They've blackmailed a guy before; are they going to commit blackmail again?

Caution, CNN: You'd better read the blackmail and extortion laws of the state your next victim lives in closely. Threatening to release information that someone wants to keep private, but promising to not release that if they do something they are not legally required to do, or not do something they are legally entitled to do (such as post memes on the internet), does in fact satisfy the elements of blackmail and/or extortion in many states.

Pro-tip: It's generally good to avoid sentences that include the elements 1) I will reveal this thing about you that you do not want revealed and 2) unless you do this thing for me, or stop doing this thing I don't want you to do.

Sometimes prosecutors take a look at sentences like that and find the grammar to be criminal.

Now that Trump is unchained, who knows what investigations his DOJ might undertake?

And speaking of journalists engaging in dubious behavior when they feel that someone isn't properly Respectin' Their Authoritah:

A Columbia Journalism Review writer (she claims, at least) vindictively using reportorial skills and tools for vengeance against a guy who didn't want to date her?!

I guess this is that "toxic masculinity" feminists keep talking about. Maybe some toxic femininity here?

Stay classy, "Journalists."

And more from the Babylon Bee:

They're not wholly on Trump's side, though:

Well yeah he did do that.

posted by Ace of Spades at 08:00 PM

| Access Comments