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December 22, 2018

Saturday Overnight Open Thread (12/22/18) Holiday Stuff Edition

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***


The Saturday Night Joke

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow.

The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.

It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.

So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.

I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.

What a fantastic sight!

Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world?

Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.

I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.

What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow.

Such a disappointment!

My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.

No snow on Christmas would be awful!

John says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again

I don't think that's possible.

John is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.

The temperature dropped to -20.

The cold makes everything sparkle so.

The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.

This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.

I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast.

Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.

Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.

Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.

I think that's silly.

We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning.

Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.

Hurt like hell.

The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing.

Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours.

I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.

Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.

Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.

God I hate it when she's right.

I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.

More shoveling!

Took all day.

The damn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.

I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.

Might have another shipment in March.

I think they're lying.

John says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.

I think he's lying.

December 22

John was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh-t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.

Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go pee.

By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.

Tried to hire John who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a--hole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today

And it warmed up to 0.

The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.

What is she, nuts?!!

Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?

She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.

Thought I was having a heart attack.

If I ever catch the son of a b-tch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel.

I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.


***

Guess what? A second Saturday night joke.


The Xmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

TO: All Employees.

DATE: November 1, 2017.

RE: Christmas Party.

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus.!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees.!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty.

Company Memo.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

TO: All Employees.

DATE: November 2, 2017.

RE: Holiday Party.

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Are you happy now.?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty.

Company Memo.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

TO: All Employees.

DATE: November 3, 2017.

RE: Holiday Party.

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only,’ you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this.?

Somebody.?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little stingy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty.

Company Memo.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

To: All Employees.

DATE: November 4, 2017.

RE: Generic Holiday Party.

What a diverse group we are.! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party.! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little aluminum foil doggy bag. Will that work.?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. ‘Sorry.’

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. ‘Sorry!’

Did I miss anything.???

Patty.

Company Memo.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.

TO: All Fucking Employees.

DATE: November 5, 2017.

RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks.! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you assholes like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death,’ as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream ‘RIGHT FUCKING NOW!’

The rest of you perishing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday.!

Drive drunk and die.

Patty.

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director.

DATE: November 6, 2017.

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party.

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

So ‘Fuck the lot of You and Happy Whatever.!’

Joan.


***


So, what's the story behind our Jewish friends and Chinese food on Christmas? Here is the story.

It's a modern tradition for Jewish people to eat at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas (and then go to the movies). You might have assumed that it's because Chinese restaurants are open on Christmas Day, and are less crowded when Christians are having a traditional meal at home. That's definitely part of it, but the custom has a specific history that goes back to 19th-century immigration patterns in New York City, when Jewish enclaves and Chinese enclaves were next to each other.

By and large, Chinese restaurateurs didn’t discriminate against Jewish customers. Joshua Eli Plaut writes in his book A Kosher Christmas: 'Tis the Season to be Jewish that the Chinese, as non-Christians, didn't perceive any difference between Anglo-Saxon New Yorkers and Jewish immigrants; they accepted all non-Chinese customers with open arms.


***


Drink up! Some great cocktail recipes to get you through the holiday season.


***


The ONT Musical Interlude



&



Holiday heirlooms.


***


The smell of a wood fire and the smell of KFC. KFC scented firelogs.

If you ever wanted your home to smell like delicious fried chicken for the Holidays, and lots of people apparently do, KFC has made your dreams come true with the KFC Firelog. Unfortunately, it's already sold out on their website. :(

Their description reads: "Imbued with the unmistakable, mouth-watering aroma of Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe, the KFC 11 Herbs & Spices Firelog finally puts to rest the age-old dilemma, 'How can I make this fire a hundred bajillion times better?'"

Andrea Zahumensky, CMO of KFC U.S., said “at KFC, we have always been proud of our role in bringing loved ones together at the dinner table around a bucket of our world-famous fried chicken. Now, this winter we’re bringing all the things we love – family, friends and fried chicken – together around the fire with our scented firelog.”


***


Midlife crises from varying perspectives.

Starting a steampunk band, taking up quad biking or deciding to jump out of a plane—ever since Canadian psychoanalyst Elliott Jaques coined the term "midlife crisis" in 1965, more and more 40-something men have claimed to have had one.
Despite the fact that scientists and economists believe there's little evidence behind it, a quick Google search will deliver hundreds — if not thousands — of think pieces, blog entries and pleading Reddit comment threads about the phenomenon (the same for the quarter-life crisis).

***

Go out to the back yard, suck down some eggnog and enjoy a Swedish Torch. Sounds like a fun time.


***

Toe jam and tonight's Genius Award Winner.

The 37-year-old from Zhangzhou, Fujian Province was admitted to the hospital after experiencing chest pains and coughing, the New Straits Times reported. And as it turns out, he was diagnosed with a severe pulmonary fungal infection.

Doctors say that the man, identified as Peng, contracted the infection after inhaling the spores of a fungus that can typically be found growing in footwear. At some point during the medical examination after doctors wondered how this infection was made possible, Peng admitted that he had a habit of smelling his own smelly socks after coming home from work every day (why exactly remains unclear), before ultimately throwing them into the laundry hamper.


***

Tonight's ONT has been brought to you by Secret Santa.

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Notice: Posted with permission by The Ace Media Empire and AceCorp, LLC. Saturday nights were made for ONTing.

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posted by Misanthropic Humanitarian at 10:02 PM

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