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May 06, 2018

Not Quite The White House Correspondents Dinner

Shoe. Other foot. Some assembly required.

The following partial transcript is almost word for word of Michelle Wolf's "comedy routine" from the WHCD. Except for one thing, bold names and sentences have replaced names and have modified sentences she actually used.

Wonder how many leftie heads are going to explode?


All right, this is long. This has been long. Yeah. Good evening. Good evening.

Here we are at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Like a blonde actress with the last name of Flowers says when she's about to have sex with a Clinton, "Let's get this over with." Yep, kiddos this is who you're getting tonight.

I'm going to skip a lot of the normal pleasantries. We're at a Hilton, it's not nice. This is on C-SPAN, no one watches that. (Kind of like the Daily Show) Clinton is president, it's not ideal. White House Correspondents' Association, thank you for having me, the monkfish was fine. Just a reminder to everyone, I'm here to make jokes, I have no agenda, I'm not trying to get anything accomplished. So everyone that's here from Congress, you should feel right at home.

Now, before we get too far, a little bit about me. A lot of you might not know who I am. I am 32 years old, which is an odd age-10 years to young to host this event, and 20 years too old for Gerry Studds I know, he almost got elected Hell, he was elected. Oh yeah I'm a girl not a boy.Yeah, it was fun. It was fun.

Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian, but I did take an aptitude test in 7th grade, and this is 100% true. I took an aptitude test in 7th grade an it said my best profession was a clown or a mime. Well, at first it said clown, and then it heard my voice and was like, "Or maybe mime. Think about mime."

And I know as much as some of you might want me to, it's 2018 and I am a woman so you cannot shut me up-unless you have Anthony Wiener wire me $130,000. Anthony you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name, Carla Danger. Valerie Jarrett just gave me a thumbs up.

Okay. Now people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Ken Starr can say, "You've been subpoenaed."

Now, there is a lot to cover tonight, there's a lot to go over. I can't get to everything. I know there's a lot of people that want me to talk about The Clinton Foundation and illegal emails and Uranium One but I'm not going to do that because there's also a lot of liberal media here and I've never really wanted to know what any of you look like whether you orgasm. Except for you Bill Kristol. I bet it's something like this. Okay, that's all we have time for.

People call Clinton names all the time, and look, I could call Clinton a narcissist or a lesbian or a drunk or incompetent or impotent or poor , but she's heard all of those and she doesn't care.

I'm going to try a fun new thing, okay? I'm going to say, "Clinton is so broke" and you guys go, "How broke is she? All right.

Clinton is so broke she had to fly business class to Bosnia

Clinton is so broke she looked for foreign oil in Chelsea'shair.

Clinton is so broke Southwest used Ron Brown as one of their engines. I know, it's so soon. It's so soon for that joke. Why did she tell it? It's so soon.

Clinton is so broke her foundation had to borrow money from the Russians and the Arabs and now she's compromised and susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for the collapse of the Republic. Yay, it's a fun game!

A lot of people want Clinton to be impeached. I do not, because just when you think Clinton is awful, you remember Tim Kaine. Tim Kaine is what happens when Shep Smith isn't gay. Tim Kaine is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, "Mmm".

Tim Kaine use to be very anti-choice. He thought abortion is murder, which first of all, don't knock it till you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it. You know, you've got to get that trouble making son out of there.

And yeah, sure, you can groan all you want. I know a lot of you are very anti-abortion, you know unless its the one you got from your secret mistress. It's fun how values can waver, but good for you.Not than anyone in the press would ever have a mistress right, Steve Kroft?

Tim Kaine is a weirdo though, he's a weird little guy. He won't meet with other rich fat cats without his wife present. When people first heard that, they were like, "That's crazy." But now in this current climate they're like, "That's a good witness."

Which, of course brings me to the #MeToo Movement. It's probably the reason I'm here. The were like, "A woman's probably not going to jerk off in front of anyone, right? And to that I say, don't count your transgenders. There's a lot of parties.

Now, I worked in a lot of male-dominated fields. Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street, and honestly, I've never been sexually harassed. That being said, I did work at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in 2008, so although I haven't been sexually harassed, I've definitely been fucked. That whole company went down on me without my consent. And no congressmen got in trouble for that one, either.

I did have a lot of jokes about members of Congress, but I had to scrap all of those.......So here are just a few

Gerald Nadler isn't here tonight, he had a prior engagement, he's finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel.

Chuck Schumer also couldn't make it. Of course he's already been circumcised. Unfortunately, while they were down there, they also took his balls.

We should definitely talk about the women in the Clinton administration.

There's Marie Harf, sounds like Barf. Man, she has the perfect name for what she does. Harf. It's like if my name was Debbie Wasserman SchultzFrizzy Hair Small Tits. You guys have to stop putting Marie on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don't give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie.

It's like that old saying, if a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Marie under the tree? I'm not suggesting she gets hurt. Just stuck. Stuck under a tree. Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is Hank Johnson's definition of porn. We all have our kinks.

There's also Chelsea. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she's about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She's done nothing to satisfy women, so I guess, like father, like daughter. Oh you don't think he's good in bed, come on.

She does clean up nice, though. Chelsea cleans up nice. She's the Diaper Genie of the administration: on the outside, she looks sleek, but the inside, it's still full of shit.

We are graced with Huma's presence tonight. I have to say I'm a little star struck. I love you as Jezebel in the Book of Kings. Tim Kaine, if you haven't read it yet, you would love it.

I actually really like Huma. I thinks she's very resourceful. She burns facts, and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Like maybe she's born with it, maybe it's lies. It's probably lies.

And I'm never really sure what to call Huma Abedin You know? Is it Huma Abedin, is it Huma Abedin Wiener, is it Huma Wiener? Like, what's Uncle Tom for brown women who disappoint other brown women? Oh I know. Aunt Jemima. Or Maxine Waters.

We've got our friends at CNN here. Welcome, guys, it's great to have you. You guys love breaking news, and you did it, you broke it. The most useful information on CNN is when Don Lemon discusses disappearing planes.

Fox News is here. So, you know what means, ladies? Cover your drinks. Seriously.

People want me to make fun of Andrea Mitchell tonight, but I cannot do that, this dinner's for journalists.

We've got MSNB here. MSNBC's new slogan is, "This is who we are." Guys, it's not a good slogan. This Is Who We Are is what your mom thinks the the sad show on NBC is called. Did you watch This Is Who We Are this week? Someone left on a crockpot, and everyone died.

I watch Morning Joe every morning. We now know Mika and Joe are screwing like bunnies. Congratulations you guys, it's like when a #MeToo works out.

Rachel Maddow. We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She's the Peter Pan of MSNBC, but instead of never going down, she never gets to the point. Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target- you went in for milk but left with shampoo, candeles and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. I didn't need this.

And of course, Joy-Ann Reid. What would I do without Joy Reid? Probably be more proud of women. Joy Reid got paid big bucks by MSNBC, then NBC didn't let her go to the Winter Olympics. She's so black, cold and expensive, she might as well be the WNBA

And by the way, Joy Santa's white. The weird old guy going through your chimney was Anderson Cooper. Might want to put a flue on it or something.

There's a lot of print media here, there's a ton of you guys, but I'm not going after the print media tonight because its' illegal to attack an endangered species. Buy newspapers.

There's a ton of news right now, a lot is going on, and we have all these 24-hour news networks, and we could be covering everything. Instead, we're covering three topics. Every hour is Trump, Russia, Hillary, and a panel full of people that remind you why you don't go home for Thanksgiving. Milk comes from nuts now all because of the gays.

You guys aren't obsessed with the Clintons Did you used to date them or want to go down on them? But I think you love them. Because you pretend like there are no Bimbo Eruptions, or coughing jags, or stumbling. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that you have helped out the Clintons. She couldn't sell your papers and your books and your TV without the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy You helped create this monster, and now you're profiting off of them. If you're going to profit off of Clinton, you should at least give her some money, because she doesn't have any.

Clinton is so broke she writes off her donated underwear. Like an illegal immigrant who was brought here by his parent and shot Kate Steinlee or whoever, what difference does it make? I've got to get the fuck out of here. Good night.

Flint still doesn't have clean water.


You can read the real thing here. It's a Washington Post link. Better than Vox.

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posted by Misanthropic Humanitarian at 02:00 PM

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