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November 03, 2017

Girl, I Want Your Body: David Brooks Would Like to "Rap" With You Kids About Sex and Sexual Desire

Thanks to IanS., an F5 cringe-tornado.

Here are some out of context quotations, but in context, it's still pretty cringey.

Before you read this Newsprint Seduction, I strongly advise you to start playing this smooth hiphop instrumental track to get you into a sexy, sexy mood.

In between Brooks' main vocals, I'll lay down my own smooth rap in a call-and-response kinda way.

Let's do it. Let's get into this David Brooks Sex Jam.

We'll call this the room of love...

Come into the room, girl. You ain't gotta be afraid. Unless you fear Ultimate Pleasure.

In this regime, sex is special....

That's a genuine bear-rug, baby. I got it at Ikea. Lay yo' pretty self out and just laze in the love fluff.

It's the most intimate form of communication...

I got a special love emoji for you, girl. I ain't gonna tell you what it is, but here's a hint: It's my wang.

In this room sex is a gold nugget, a pleasure...

Gold-plated mish, you know it. 24 karats of love...

Girl I want your body...

William DeVane told me to put your sexy gold body in my love vault...

what's in your wallet? Yeah I wanna know

In this room, sex is almost like a market transaction....

Buy low, sell high, yeah you know how it works, you ain't that naive baby

You can rack up victories...

Imma clear out this level in your pants and defeat the level boss that is your sweet pooter

In this room, the pleasures of sex get mixed up with the pleasures of power...

Like Empire, baby. You watch that show? Let's Netflix and chill but I don't have Netflix. But I do have oysters. Got 'em at a good price at Costco.

it's a wicked mixture...

so wicked, aww girl, tonight's gonna be like Waterfalls by TLC, except without the AIDS

In the first room people see each other deeply...

Girl, you gots to know I see you, mostly Dat Ass

"Oh, he's just a horny prospector."

Girl you know I am, you got my big Pick at attention...

...the room of love....

Can you hear that champagne chillin', girl? The bubbles are whispering, "Take dem titties out."

... (very fun)...

Very fun girl, you too cute, you makin' me all kinds a crazy...

...deep knowing...

The deepest knowing, bae. I'm a mish miner and I ain't mad at that... I ain't mad at that at all...

Yeahhh, fade out... in the fade-out we just repeat some of the earlier stuff, only quieter...


Girl, I want your body...


(very fun)...

This is the room of love...

It's my wang...

(yeaahhh)

bear-rug and oysters, reasonably priced

try to forget I mentioned AIDS before


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posted by Ace at 05:12 PM

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