Dispatches from the Alternate Reality Where Hillary Clinton Won the Election

via Alex the Chick, this Newsweek article -- astonishing that I'm linking that useless rag, but what the heck, this is actually kind of good -- rounds up the pre-written articles about Hillary's victory, which were written, but of course not actually published.

Warning: Consult a doctor if your shadenboner lasts for more than four hours.

JONATHAN CHAIT (writer and columnist, New York magazine)

Sparing the Republic from the whims of a twisted maniac is no small triumph. Clinton's skeptics have already been denying credit for her expected victory by noting that she benefited from facing the least popular major party nominee in history, and that a normal Republican could have defeated her. This misses the extraordinary nature of the opposition that produced this unpopularity in the first place. Clinton has absorbed 25 years of relentless and frequently crazed hate directed at her husband, compounded by her status as a feminist symbol, which made her the subject of additional loathing. Her very real missteps were compounded by a press corps that treated her guilt as an unexamined background assumption. She is almost certainly the first president to survive simultaneous leak-attacks by both a faction of rogue right-wing FBI agents and Russian intelligence.

I don't want to be rude, but my dick and balls just started pumping out pheremones so sweet they smell exactly like waffles drowned in Maine maple syrup.

MARIN COGAN (contributing editor, New York magazine, but this piece was prepared for Vox.com)

And yet: Hillary Clinton's victory is historic--a triumph that should not be overlooked. It marks the end of centuries of exclusion of women from the nation's top job. Even more remarkable was the way she won it: by running as a woman, who championed policies aimed at women, against an avatar of reactionary sexism. She won under politically tainted investigation, in spite of plenty of legitimate criticism, and in the face of an incredible amount of sexism. In voting for her, Americans rejected Donald Trump's old, macho vision of leadership and embraced a new paradigm, one that values not only a new style of leadership but also a policy outlook that prioritizes women and children.

I don't want to offend anybody, but my dick just got dressed up like it's a pimp.

Update: My dick is now actually a pimp. It's turnin' out ho's and tricks and givin' them the back of its dick-hand if they give it any sass.

CHRIS CILLIZZA (writer, "The Fix"—taken from this piece published on the Washington Post's site)

Clinton's path to the presidency--much like her last two-plus decades in public life--was not an easy one, defined more by her relentless drive forward than any sort of soaring movement like the one that propelled Barack Obama into office in 2008. And even in victory, Clinton survived rather than overwhelmed. Expected to cruise to an electoral vote victory, Clinton squeaked by--with Democrats fretting deep into the night about her prospects.

In short: It was a uniquely Clinton campaign--with all the good and bad that connotes.

I don't mean to "work blue," but my boner just launched a smaller auxilliary sub-boner. It looks like the escape pod in Star Wars, only instead of droids, it has bickering sperm inside of it. One of the sperm is carrying the secret plans to DESTROY Kate Upton's clam canyon.

posted by Ace at 12:40 PM

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