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November 30, 2016
Dispatches from the Alternate Reality Where Hillary Clinton Won the Electionvia Alex the Chick, this Newsweek article -- astonishing that I'm linking that useless rag, but what the heck, this is actually kind of good -- rounds up the pre-written articles about Hillary's victory, which were written, but of course not actually published. Warning: Consult a doctor if your shadenboner lasts for more than four hours. JONATHAN CHAIT (writer and columnist, New York magazine) I don't want to be rude, but my dick and balls just started pumping out pheremones so sweet they smell exactly like waffles drowned in Maine maple syrup. MARIN COGAN (contributing editor, New York magazine, but this piece was prepared for Vox.com) I don't want to offend anybody, but my dick just got dressed up like it's a pimp. Update: My dick is now actually a pimp. It's turnin' out ho's and tricks and givin' them the back of its dick-hand if they give it any sass. CHRIS CILLIZZA (writer, "The Fix"—taken from this piece published on the Washington Post's site) I don't mean to "work blue," but my boner just launched a smaller auxilliary sub-boner. It looks like the escape pod in Star Wars, only instead of droids, it has bickering sperm inside of it. One of the sperm is carrying the secret plans to DESTROY Kate Upton's clam canyon.
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Movie Roundup: Amerikatsi
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