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May 19, 2016

A Prayer That The All Female Ghostbusters Tanks At the Box Office and Makes Little Girls of All Genders Cry

I wouldn't have cared, but they've made me care.

It is now apparently Socially Unacceptable to say "In my day, women were ladies, and men were Ghostbusters."

No seriously the unhinged Social Justice Warrior left seems to believe that ghostbusting is an honest-to-god occupation which women are being excluded from, and this new Ghostbusters film will "break the glass ceiling" in the STEMGB fields.

The STEMGB fields are of course "science, technology, engineering, math, and ghost busting."

Thus, I must now Pray for the film to fail, which is hardly necessary, because it looks absolutely wretched.


Dear God,
Lord of all things,
Ultimate Movie Critic,
How are you?

I don't ask you for much, O Lord.
I did ask you to make Marco Rubio fail
And you really came through on that one.
But I think that was already mostly baked into the cake.
So I kinda don't count that.
Making Marco Rubio fail is like making
a dog drool at the sight of bacon.
It's in his nature.

So O Lord
In your great Balcony in the Sky
With Stadium Seating
And an audio system that makes George Lucas's system
Look like George Lucas' face
I know you hate the Female Ghostbusters
Because there was something in Leviticus about it
Something like "Suffer not a female ghostbuster to live"
Or something
Leviticus is pretty long
As you well know.

This movie annoys me so much
Not just because looks like neon bukkake
But because the usual Frenetic Religious Cultists
Who worship their own vaginas
Are having yet another Coordinated Group Spazz
And attacking anyone
Who says they don't think the movie looks very good
And that, let's be honest,
Melissa McCarthy and Kristin Wiig don't have the best track records.

Yeah they did Bridesmaids
But, like Noah said twenty minutes after the rains stopped
and the seas receeded
and Life and Sun returned to the earth,
"What have you done for me lately?"

Bridesmaids was like sixty generations ago.
You know who really liked Bridesmaids?
Salome. And also, Ruth.

So Please O Lord,
Let the Female Ghostbusters movie crash and burn
As I know it must
For it looketh like the leavings of many dogs
scattered upon the dry and dead earth
and crawling with pestilent worms
and bad SNL catchphrases.

Let the movie just totally befoul the bed
Just let it totally die at the box office.

Let there be wailing, and gnashing of teeth,
and rending of garments, and cries that salt the earth.
Let's face it, O Lord,
There will be wailing and gnashing and rending anyway.
Might as well give them something to really cry about.
While they're busy crying about that,
It might allow someone to not get scalped and lose his job
For calling a dude who looks like a dude "Dude"
Instead of hixr preferred casual reference term of "Dudexir."

Please O Lord,
There are so many of these freaks
And you know they're freaks, come on, let's be serious,
praying to you right now
even though they believe in you not,
because all that matters to these goofy clownpuddles
is their Scarlet Witch, and Black Widow, and their other
geek culture victories.
All of their self-worth is poured into whether Black Widow
gets her own limited-run comic book.
Seriously, they make heterosexual male geeks
look like the reasonable ones.
I mean really.
For Your sake, O Lord. For Your sake.

Sometimes a continent must fall into the sea
and sometimes a wave of tears must crash upon the earth.
And sometimes, O Lord, You let it happen,
and only provide succor to the victims.
I'm saying -- don't even provide that.

Just let them suffer. At some point, O Lord,
You just have to let the Babies cry for their Ba-ba,
until they burn all that babycrying out of their system
and can focus on more important things
like Hillary Clinton's coming indictment.

Thank You, O Lord,
For not lending Your grace or fortune
to this terrible movie
and letting it just be as awful as it must be
So that Women can get on with their empty lives
and Fat Acceptance Tumblrs
and Men can get back to Busting some Ghosts
As You always intended
Because if You wanted women to bust ghosts
You would have given them penises
By which to practice aiming their Proton Packs.

Annie Potts answered the phones
and that should really be enough.


Amen.


Oh, By the Way: If you don't want a negative political reaction to your movie, try not selling it as part of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Ticket, huh?

I forgot about that. That's actually what set me off the other day and got me interested to write about this stupid horrible movie in the first place.

If you are going to brand a movie explicitly as a cog in the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign, you can't piss and moan about an explicitly political reaction against it.


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posted by Ace at 06:35 PM

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