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| Overnight Open Thread (9 Oct 2015) »
October 09, 2015
Ever Wonder What You Would Have Gotten If You Ordered That Crap They Advertised in Comic Books?The X-Ray specs, I never once believed; I was enchanted, to use Jeff Zeleney's word, by the idea, and had a normal boy's curiosity about little girls' underwear, but even as a very little kid I realized that x-ray spectacles would be impossible, and even if it were possible, it would not be an gizmo that could be had for a mere 98 cents. Something that mesmerized me -- because it seemed actually possible, though not at the given price -- was the claim of a 7-foot tall ghost that you could control and make float around per your commands and scare the living hell out of people. Now, I had an idea that that would indeed be possible -- I would dream of the radio control and the little lightweight directional fan that would hang beneath a helium balloon, like an airship's gondola, the whole thing draped in white cheesecloth perhaps stained with glow-in-the-dark ink to give it a spectral halo. And I dreamt, and dreamt, and dreamt of that ghost. But I sort of doubted I would get a helium tank, a radio control, and a fan propulsion system for the $1.49 or whatever they wanted for it. Also causing me to doubt this was the alleged Frankenstein's Monster they also offered, supposed with the same features. See, I could see how they could give you ghost -- a ghost could just be a helium balloon and some light gauzy fabric draped over it. That indeed could look like a ghost. But how could you do Frankenstein's Monster? It's solid. We're talking a lot more material for that. And Frankenstein's Monster doesn't float; he walks. So, for that to be real, they would have to send you a working, walking seven-foot tall robot with some kind of latex to mimic flesh. And that, I realized, would be impossible, and that in turn punctured my dreams about the radio-controlled ghost. If they were lying about Frankstenstein -- and they must be lying about that one -- they must also be lying about the ghost. But I used to lie in bed for long hours perseverating to myself, trying to convince myself, rationalize to myself that while the Frankenstein's Monster thing was a lie, the ghost thing could actually, plausibly be real. It's a weird feeling I have right now, having looked this up, the memories of those old muttering internal conversations with myself thinking of a Remote-Controlled Ghost, and how it could totally be possible, and wouldn't that be wonderful? And then would come the doubts: For 98 cents, Dummy? What are you, a Dum-Dum, Dummy? But they couldn't lie could they? Not to children, of all people. There are laws. And I did this a lot as a kid. I thought about that damned ghost a lot. All the people I'd scare, and all the friends I'd make with my amazing technological illusions. I really tried to convince myself this was a real thing. Well anyway, this guy collected most of those things advertised in comics, buying them decades later on eBay, and now, for the first time ever, I have the definitive word on that Remote Control Ghost. Collectors Weekly: What were the biggest disappointments, aside from the X-Ray Spex? Decades later, and the mystery that haunted me is finally solved. And it's a buzzkill: Check that guy's link to find out what you would have gotten if you bought those X-Ray Specs, or the Amazing Radio Spy Pen, or Sea-Monkeys building futuristic miniature subterranean civilizations, somehow, or Charles Atlas' Bodybuilding course, or... that army of 500 plastic soldiers you could have for a couple of bucks. Man, is that a disappointment too. Open Thread, but feel free to share what you really wanted as a kid, but never got -- or did get, and whether it was all that you hoped for. Soothsayer suggested that as a topic last Friday; without remembering that until just now, I just wrote a post on that theme. So it seems like a good subject for discussion. | Recent Comments
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