"Eyes Wide Shut" Themed Sex Party, Hosted by Pal of Kate Middleton, On This Weekend In NYC

Meh.

This kind of thing sounds all sexy and swanky, until you're confronted with the actual reality of it, and then you're like, ugh.

Here's the reality of it:

No, that's not Sweet Dee from the Always Sunny sex club episode. (Which depicted sex clubs far more accurately than Hollywood ever has, I imagine.) That's real.

Look, I'm a guy, and I would basically have sex in a sewer if that was the only place open, but I'm looking at those nasty Homeless Shelter mattresses and thinking "I bet all those bed-bugs have AIDS."

Anyway, enough of my Victorian sexual repression. Let's get into the Kinky details, and the boastful nonsense. (I will BOLDFACE the boastful nonsense which of course you should not believe, unless you are an idiot.)

It’s just another night at Killing Kittens — the roving members-only sex club that professes to be "the world's network for the sexual elite."

Awesome ad copy -- total nonsense.

On Saturday night, the kinky London-based club makes its New York debut. For $100 per woman and $250 per couple, the adventurous can spend hours sleeping with strangers in a swanky Flatiron loft rented for the evening. Cocktail attire and masks are required (though, needless to say, both will get shed rather quickly).

Yes, you too can be part of the "sexual elite" for $250 and a six-buck mask.

A guy can't come in without bringing a woman. Because otherwise it would be the world's most elite Sausage Hang.

"It’s like 'Eyes Wide Shut,' but realistic," says Gweneth Romein, 46, who works in consulting and has attended nearly 20 Killing Kittens events.

By "like Eyes Wide Shut" she means "There will be a lot of short men, and whores."

Honestly, my guess is that a number of guys will hire a prostitute to be their female accompaniment to get into the sex club. They think, "Ha-ha, I have gamed the system; I have brought in a hired prostitute, and will now get to have sex with amateurs."

Nope! Pretty much everyone else brought pros too.

"When [my ex-boyfriend and I] hosted a party at our house [in London], we had a bed and there were these two gorgeous silver foxes and this black girl whose legs went to Tokyo, and she was just demanding everything from them . . . it’s complete carnage," she says. "It's like a buffet."

"Silver foxes," I imagine, means "attractive older person."

Here's the problem: Speaking as an older person, I can attest that young people are not dying to make acquaintance with our genitals. Even when they're freely offered, right there, flopping in the sweet playground breeze.

This is the sort of thing I see on porn sites: Young co-eds want to meet older men!

This is Whore-Talk for "Whore wants to get paid."

Anyway:

...

Depending on the evening's location -- from a swanky cabaret club to the London townhouse where "The King's Speech" was filmed -- members pay anywhere from $70 to $800 for entry to the debauched bashes, which are held monthly in London, Ireland, Los Angeles and, as of this weekend, NYC.

Since its inception, the club has attracted 10,000 regular partygoers, including A-list actors, British aristocrats, Formula One owners and moneyed married couples looking to spice up their sex lives.

The club facilitates Old Men having Sex with Prostitutes, something that hardly ever happens otherwise.

"I've been to parties where people fly from Sweden on private jets loaded up with their friends because they can’t play in their own country," says Romein, who has hooked up with everyone from a restaurant mogul to a married man whose "name is on multiple buildings in New York."

Uh-huh. His name is "Exit."

Okay here comes the most bullshitty bullshit of all:

As of Tuesday, Sayle says 60 people have signed up for the NYC event, including a group of British female bankers who work at UBS's Midtown office and a bevy of models.

"They all have the same mentality," a raspy-voiced Sayle says of her members. "They're all overachievers."

Okay, here's how you decode that: "bevy of models" means "flock of whores."

"A group of British female bankers" means "a flock of whores, who own pinstripe jackets."

If you notice, she's selling men on the women who will allegedly be there.

Shouldn't she really be trying to entice women to come?

Oh here's her lame pitch on that. Ladies, does this get you hot?

"It might help with all the frustration of all those women who can’t find men," she adds. "They can come and share the men!"

Every woman's fantasy, getting plowed by a stranger she has to share with prostitutes.

Oh, and not everyone can come:

And Sayle and her five-person team enforce a strict vetting system.

"They have to be 18 to 50. And we just ask for nice-looking people," says Sayle, who requires potential members to submit photos for approval.

"It's not a case of everyone being supermodel quality. It's nice-looking people taking care of themselves," she continues. "For example, we might get someone who is a size 14 or 16 US size and they’re massive, and they send us a photo and they might be in some bondage gear, and you just say, 'No, that’s not a pretty sight.'

"We have members who want a certain look and expect a certain standard, so that's what we need to provide."

You know who keeps it tight? Prostitutes.

Okay, everyone in the sex business always has to claim that they're killing it financially, because Money = Respect. So now we come to that obligatory part:

...

Apparently, her opulent orgies are working. Sayle says Killing Kittens brought in $1 million last year, and she's launching an Australian branch in May. Her club boasts 43,000 online global members who use the site to network and date....

Ah yes, the exclusive Internet Sex contingent. Truly, the sexual elite.

"Look at the society people in New York [who] have that twinkle in their eye, but are very discreet and you know nothing about their social life," says Romein. "They're the ones who will be there."

"Society people... who have that twinkle in the eye."

Thanks to @rdbrewer4.

posted by Ace at 03:41 PM

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