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July 25, 2014

Fifty Shades... of Hollywood Magic!!!

So they "dropped" the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.

All I can say is: Fifty shades of awesome.

Or maybe: Fifty shades of yummy!!!

I'm just kidding, of course. It looks about as silly as you imagined it would. The dialogue is crazydumb.

The reason I'm pretending to think it looks Awesomely SuperHot!!! is because apparently that's what you're supposed to do in the media.

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ trailer hits all the right spots

Jamie Dornan’s brooding mystique as Christian Grey seems to be calculatedly cool. Dakota Johnson’s mousy look as Anastasia Steele recalls Maggie Gyllenhaal’s early scenes in the similarly-themed 'Secretary.' What we see of the bedroom scenes seems ripped from bodice-rippers.

Yes, that's right, this talented individual at the New York Daily News is reviewing a trailer for a movie intended only for women.

...

We hear a pounding drum -- or is that, gasp, the beat of a heart? -- as a tinkly piano segues to Beyonce’s "Crazy in Love."

That's right, we're doing a beat-by-beat explanation of this bitch.

We hear mousy journalist Steele's impressions of Grey -- "Polite, intense, smart and really intimidating.' Their actual banter is more personal: "There's not much to know about me. Look at me," she says. "I am," he replies. Sure enough, we see Dornan looking, intensely, at her.

Grey owes his success to "exercising control in all things," he says, as we see him piloting an airplane, thrusting a kiss on Johnson in an empty elevator and palming her thigh under a dinner table. The online trailer shows him taking out a blindfold from a nightstand -- presumably not to get some sleep.

They dance. He's "incapable of leaving her alone." He pushes someone away from her.

Eh, you know when a Marvel movie is coming out? Reviewers are sort of afraid to give them a bad review, because the fanboyz are known to go apeshit on anyone who says that Thor 2 is anything less than Hollywood Valhalla!!!

So, since this piece of shit sold 50 million copies, and a lot of women have years' worth of sexual release riding on this goof, I guess we have to pretend this looks like a good movie.

So I'll say: This hits all the right notes. The images were just like those conjured in my mind by master storyteller E.L. James. The main characters, "Christian Grey" and "Anastasia Steele," seem every bit as real as they did in the text, and by the way those names sound totally plausible and not just abruptly made up in order to change them from "Bella" and "Edward" as they were in the original Twilight fan fiction.

Content warning -- the trailer is for a mainstream movie which I imagine will get an R rating, and the trailer is (get this) "intended for general audiences," but the movie's about S&M, and the trailer is not completely subtle about getting that across.


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posted by Ace at 06:57 PM

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