« AoSHQ Podcast: Taking The Week Off | Main | Obama May Decree... What Would Surprise You At This Point? »
February 07, 2014

Bane's Belated Response to Obama's State of the Union

And now, delivering a response to the President’s State of the Union, the director of the Gotham Revolutionary Party, Bane.

BANEADDRESS.jpg

Greetings, Puny Americans. I am told you have just completed one of your saddest and most pathetic of rituals – gathering around your idiot boxes, getting your dose of electric soma, to watch your president, your ridiculous God of Government, instruct you as to what you should think, and what you should be talking about. As the leader of the Gotham Revolutionary Party, I approve of your weak craving for an authority to rule over you.

But before I address your Mister Obama’s words, perhaps I should introduce myself. My name is Bane. I come from a small nation called Santa Prisca with a rich, colorful culture of riot and slaughter. I am the son of a brutal and cruel revolutionary fighter, what you might call a terrorist. As a small child, I was imprisoned, for my father’s crimes in a savage penal colony with no guards and no rules. My childhood was one of constant fear and violence as I was forced to defend myself daily against the unsavory predations of evil men. As we had no food in the prison, we turned to the most primitive and basic form of agriculture known to mankind – eating our dead. And sometimes, our not-quite-dead.

As NBC’s Political Director Mark Murray might say, my story is really Obama’s story. Nothing ever came easy for either of us, you know. The rhyming clown Jay-Z once forgot to call Obama on his birthday; I once had my face nailed to a wall. They’re really quite the same, aren’t they?

This was humor of course. I was told I should begin with a humorous anecdote. I thought I should also explain this, this black thing on my face.

But now let me turn to the state of the union. I do not come to mock Barack Obama, I come to praise him.

Your Mister Obama presumes that the only guiding force in the world is pure naked power. I approve! Your American democracy is a ridiculous conceit. As George Orwell noted, the true nature of political power is a boot stamping in your face, forever. And forever. And forever more. Your Mister Obama is a weak man, but I admire his brutish instincts as to the true nature of political force.

Let us now turn to your Mister Obama’s economic theory, similarly untainted by sentiment. Mister Obama believes that the natural state of man is not to create, or to strive, or to build, or to make, but instead to loot wealth from those who are so absurd as to create and strive, and build and make. The natural state of man is not that of a shopkeeper, but as a brigand, as a hijacker, as a thief. Once again, I approve!

Your Mister Obama understands what I learned as a mere lad of seven years, defending myself against cannibalism and rape. Prosperity is an illusion, and an illusion that itself enables other illusions. The illusion of decency . The illusion of self-worth and self-respect. The illusion of progress. The illusion that man is more than animal, that he stands above the beasts and vermin of the fields.

Your Mister Obama is wise to teach Americans that they are not more than animals; that they are in fact, rather less. When you have been sufficiently stripped of your illusions and vanities, you will return to your natural, feral state, violent, unthinking, unreasoning, and easily controlled by stronger animals.

Once again, I approve!

Your Mister Obama also mentioned some kind of new investment bond for the poor. Something his speechwriters have told him to call “MyRA.” Here are my thoughts on this: I could give a shit less. I mean, come on. This is fodder for dummies.

In conclusion, puny Americans, the state of your union… is decadent! Your pathetic civilization shall not endure. No civilization ever does. For within each civilization are agents of chaos, and fear, and misery, and stupidity, and base instinct, who always seek to drag it down to their brutish level.

And, Puny Americans: You have elected such men to lead you! To lead you down into the pit. Whence I arose, so shall you sink.

Thank you for your time, and please watch Justified on FX. It’s got guns, hillbillies, and heroin. It’s like Duck Dynasty except they shoot people. I just enjoy it, you know.


digg this
posted by Ace at 03:54 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
banana Dream: "the worst captain, Star Trek SCOAMF ..."

Rechill: "Enjoy those tax rates, vapid twat. ..."

Joe Mannix (Not a cop!): "While we probably can't force these people to go t ..."

Our Country is Screwed: "If a "no name" D-List actress utters a virtue sign ..."

freaked: "What? Who? ..."

Aetius451AD: "Except for Jeri Ryan, and even she could not get m ..."

aelfheld: "What makes her think the Irish would let her in? ..."

JackStraw: ">>Jack, The investigation should have wound down i ..."

publius, Rascally Rapscallion of a Poperin Pear: ">> If by rotational you mean angular then regard ..."

Bertram Cabot, Jr.: " [i]Why on earth they have Donna Brazil's On the ..."

Aetius451AD: "I know some people like it, but Voyager was the be ..."

Mikey NTH - A Scold for All Seasons - The Karen Chronicles Volume II now available at The Outrage Ou: "Pack already and vamoose.  It isn't like anyo ..."

Recent Entries
Search


Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64