ONT for Thursday 1/24/2013: Emasculated Heroes Edition

Over the weekend, I became aware through some rather unsavory back channels there was a possible need for outside contributions to the Overnight Open Thread through this week. Naturally, after a few days of hoping all the slots would be quickly snapped up by a combination of other eager guest bloggers and maybe a cob or two, I jumped at the opportunity. After all, who knows when I'll ever get another chance to parade my haplessness before a mob of sadistic hecklers?

So, here it is:

Big rigs. Eighteen-wheelers. Semi-trucks. Tractor-trailers. Whatever you want to call them, if you were a red-blooded American boy at any point in your life, chances are you were infatuated with them for least part of it. They were big, loud, and often loaded with contraband. And, given the fact that women look for those very qualities in men, having command of such machinery makes you irresistible to them. They will do anything for you, including competing against large men in a pickup football game.

But, here come the Scandis, threatening to sap the last bit of romance out of the life of the truck-drivin' man by engineering away all its death-defying manliness. Could C.W. McCall have written his classic hit "Convoy" while observing the open road from the cab of a Volvo? To ask the question is to answer it.

So, now that northern Europeans are busily stripping away away the bad-boy sex appeal of the over-the-road trucker, boys and men are left to find alternative vehicular means of getting women to do anything for them. And that leaves only one option: Fast cars. If you have a couple-hundred grand that you were thinking about investing in a big rig in the hopes of securing a few dames and a chimp for companionship, you might consider the Lamborghini Gallardo, instead.

If your trust fund isn't quite large enough to afford such extravagances, then you're going to have to figure out a way to make the money yourself. Unfortunately, we're not all idea-men. Some of us have to get rich through hard work, grit and determination. Others have unusual talents that they're able to parlay into personally satisfying and financially rewarding careers. Fortunately, though, we live in an era where the lack of discernible talent or work ethic need not be a barrier to success.

For example, there's French hip-hop sensation Alex Du 76.

If he can manage to pull dames like this and get them to debase themselves in such a public fashion -- and without the slightest indication of rhyming or dancing ability, who's to say you can't be the next John Lennon. (Although, when it comes to pulling the birds, he may not exactly be the best exemplar. [Content warning: Salty language.])

Anyway, the point of all this is to observe the steady decline in the importance of manliness as a virtue among male role models and heroes. I suppose it all began well before I was born into the world, but it certainly seems to have taken a sharper downward trajectory in the course of my lifetime. When big trucks become as safe as a mother's nurturing embrace, and budding pop stars fall back on the notion of "swag" as a substitute for masculinity, it's a sure sign of a broader cultural emasculation.

At this point, it seems we can only hope the ultimate product of this trend doesn't end up on our grocers' shelves, like that of so many unfortunate lesser mammals.

Depressing as it may be, I guess I should have seen this coming a long time ago, when all my heroes of hard rock and heavy metal in the 80's suddenly found themselves confronted with the dilemma of staying true to the music and its testosterone-driven hard edge, or softening their image so as not to come off as threatening to teenaged girls. It was about that time, after all, when androgyny inexplicably became all the rage. Suddenly, groups started giving themselves names like Rose Bayonet, spelling the end of acts with such manly names as Jag Panzer.

So, for all the hype given the purported "War on Women", we men sure seem to have been making a terrible hash of things. The tough, fearless and slightly crazy heroes emulated by generations of men is steadily being scrubbed from the collective male consciousness in favor of lame, limp-wristed fops who wear machismo like a Halloween costume. I, for one, eagerly await the inevitable backlash.

Tonight's ONT brought to you by Childhood Heroes.

posted by Damn Dirty RINO at 10:00 PM

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