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November 25, 2012

Guest Movie Review: "Savages"

steve_in_hb told me what a horrible movie this was. It's Oliver Stone's most recent bomb. I thought it was so bad it deserved a mention on the blog, and I sure the hell am not going to watch it.

His review below, including a good nominee for the worst line of dialogue in any movie this year.

So, I just watched Savages. Going in, I knew nothing about it except the little FIOS guide description. Then Oliver Stone popped up in the opening credits and I realized it was probably going to be a dog. The movie is a crime drama/ action about two young guys in Southern California who live a life of luxury paid for by developing, growing, and selling “the best weed in the world.” The third protagonist is a hot beach chick who lives with them. They are in a non-jealous love/sexual triangle. So there are lots of scenes of the three of them on a couch and she’s cuddling with one of the guys while holding hands with the other dude. ‘Cause, you know, young guys are known for their level headedness when it comes to sexual relations with a hot chick they both love. It’s perfectly reasonable that they are mellow about the whole situation and there’s never any tension. This idyllic lifestyle is threatened when a Mexican cartel moves in and demands the guys give up their business and become mere employees of the cartel growing their superior weed. The rest of the movie is exactly what you would expect - supposedly interesting, quirky gangsters, a DEA agent of suspect honesty, double crosses within double crosses, etc.

The movie is a boring, tedious mess, but at least has the courtesy of starting with an extended monologue by the female lead that lets you know right away that it is going to be crap. This monologue is unbelievably bad. I actually encourage you to watch the monologue part so you can revel in how bad it is. The female lead’s delivery is wooden. It goes on forever. It includes fascinating information like how she got her nickname “O” – short for her name Ophelia. The best part of it is that it sounds like it was written by a precocious 14 year old being “clever”. Groaner 1: The female lead informs us that - rough quote – “Just cause you hear me telling you this story doesn’t mean that I survived it.” Wow, my mind is warped by that breaking of the 4th wall. Film making will never be the same. Groaner #2: The narrator informs us that one of the male leads has done multiple tours in Iraq/Afghanistan and has been altered by the experience. He has a profound respect for life, is determined to be productive, and relishes his time with friends and family. Just kidding, he’s ultra violent, sadistic, and has rage issues. She describes having sex with him while we are treated to clichéd images to go with the clichéd words – he’s on top of her thrusting violently, face beet red, with all the muscles in his body tensed. He isn’t looking at her or engaging her in any other way than angrily thrusting his penis in to her. She then informs us – I shit you not – that “I had orgasms, he had wargasms.” Do you really need to know anything more about the movie?

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posted by Ace at 05:49 PM

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