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January 22, 2010

Obama: Hey, It Turns Out That 3000 Years of Warfare in the Middle East Wasn't Going to End Just Because You Elected an Unprecedented, Historic Guy Made of Pure Awesome. Sorry, My Bad, I Thought They Would.

He made another stunning admission: He doesn't poop platinum.

President Barack Obama says his administration overestimated its ability to persuade the Israelis and Palestinians to resume meaningful peace talks.

Obama says both parties have been unwilling to make the bold gestures needed to move the process forward. If the U.S. had anticipated that earlier, Obama says he might not have raised his expectations so high.

Did anyone notice what the AP did there? They are paraphrasing Obama, but check out what they say.

If the US had not failed to understand basic reality, then Obama would not have raised expectations so high.

This is not an error of judgment of "the US." "The US" did not fail to anticipate this. "The US," in fact, isn't really a sentient being capable of anticipating anything at all, but to the extent we collectively think stuff, we collectively have long doubted that the Palestinians would ever make peace. Or at least we've been highly skeptical of any progress towards real peace there.

And yet the AP neatly, in an almost nonsensical sentence, pushes off the fault for this to "the US."

Obama didn't make any errors. Obama can't make any errors.

What happened here was that "the US" made a huge error, and Obama just raised expectations based on "the US'" defect in thinking.

But is Obama to blame?

Of course not.

You are, champ.

Obama's like Reverse Jesus. You will, collectively, assume his sins so that he is cleansed and untainted.*

* Yes, I know there's another word for "Reverse Jesus."

I don't think that's really a good thing to say.

When I was in college, some guy -- a transgressive sort of guy, a guy who liked causing reactions and doing shock value stuff to spook the "straights" -- was goofing around, claiming he was actually the Anti-Christ, to this guy who was Christian.

The Christian guy was just shrugging along at how silly it was.

Eventually the Transgressive Guy said, "How do you know I'm not the Anti-Christ?"

The Christian guy smiled. "Easy. Satan wouldn't be so fat."

So funny. Transgressive Guy, to his credit, busted a gut at that too.

Anyway, if you had suspicions Obama was the Anti-Christ, put them out of your mind. Satan wouldn't be such a fuck-up.

Thanks to Gabe.

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posted by Ace at 12:52 PM

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