Recap | Main | Thank Sweet Heaven, Football is Back UPDATED
September 04, 2009

Mathematically modeling the proper response to Zombie outbreaks

It officially Friday night now, a long weekend as well and many of us will be having cookouts, frolicking with the family, going to the beach or mountains, torching billboards, sticking it to "the man", swindling seniors out of their life savings, wrecking the country(this activity is reserved for administration officials and congressmen) etc. Obviously, we all need to be prepared for a possible Zombie outbreak that could really spoil the festivities.

The good news, is that science has now provided us with a "best practices" way to deal with the ever present possibility of a Zombie outbreak. Dr. Robert Smith? (yes, his last name includes the question mark) at the Mathematics department of the University of Ottawa has done a scholarly published analysis of how civil society should handle the Zombie question. First, I'll allow Dr. Smith? to say a bit about his academic journey.

...After my PhD, I did a postdoc at the University of Western Ontario, where I discovered infectious diseases. At first it was just the one, you know? A little HIV, you know you want to, all your friends are doing it... Before I knew it, I was studying malaria, then it was human papillomavirus. After that, it was all a blur of neglected tropical diseases that kept coming and coming and, oh god, then I was into some really hardcore stuff, man. And once you've tried modelling zombies, you can never go back... *sobs* ...
Now on to the good stuff - how do deal with these Zombies. The abstract from his paper:
...We introduce a basic model for zombie infection, determine equilibria and their stability, and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions. We then refine the model to introduce a latent period of zombification, whereby humans are infected, but not infectious, before becoming undead. We then modify the model to include the effects of possible quarantine or a cure. Finally, we examine the impact of regular, impulsive reductions in the number of zombies and derive conditions under which eradication can occur. We show that only quick, aggressive attacks can stave off the doomsday scenario: the collapse of society as zombies overtake us all.
The good news is - being Americans, we know all about blasting the crap out of stuff. We make bombs and flame throwers in our garages for fun and post the trial run videos on YouTube, stockpile all sorts of ordinance, and generally are more prepared for implementing a fast violent response to Zombie breakouts than almost any other western nations now that professor Smith? has shown us what the only option really is.


digg this
posted by Purp at 08:16 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Slapweasel, (Cold1), ([b]T[/b]) [/i] [/b] [/u] [/s]: "I will also be praying for those [i]not[/i] on the ..."

waelse1: "Read Out Of The Soylent Planet by Rob Kroese, very ..."

Heresolong: "I've been trying to get a copy of Nine Chapters on ..."

Jim S.: "Also re: [i]The Discarded Image[/i], Lewis was lam ..."

Hairyback Guy: "I am currently reading "The Master of Confessions" ..."

CharlieBrown'sDildo: "Even in a moment of supreme victory, don't be word ..."

Brave Sir Robin: "Religion of [s]Peace[/s]? Pieces. Fixed. ..."

Anna Puma (HQCaR): "*pulls from shelf [i]The Diamond Age: or A Young L ..."

mustbequantum: "Finally, I read a lot in bed. I experience insomni ..."

[/b][/i][/s]Muldoon: "IN TIME FOR LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT GIVING!!! ..."

Nevergiveup: "I have about 20 more boxes of books.....but I need ..."

CharlieBrown'sDildo: "If you have more you want to get rid of let me kno ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64