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June 29, 2009

F%$k Off, Hosers! (The Post Where Russ from Winterset Declares War on Canada and Proposes a New National Holiday)

Courtesy of your friends at Doubleplusundead, HERE is a helping of weapons-grade stupidity that could keep Hollywood awash in Lifetime Network Special Social Issue Movies of the Week for the next decade or two.

It seems that a Canadian couple gave birth to a premature baby this weekend in Hamilton, Ontario. Since Canada is just another Third World Hellhole where brain surgery is done with a 16" Poulan and a 6-pack of Moosehead, its not exactly a shock that NOT. ONE. SINGLE. Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU for short) bed could be found for the child. I know what you're thinking: Russ, they couldn't find one single NICU bed available in the City of Hamilton for this baby? NO. They couldn't find one single NICU bed available for this baby in the entire PROVINCE of Ontario. You know, a PROVINCE? Sort of like a STATE, only 196% more ghey?

Luckily, Canada just happens to be the mildly retarded cousin of the United States of America; and like most families, we look after each other - even if the slow relatives are complete window-lickers who eat their own boogers in public. The baby was brought to Buffalo, NY, where she is enjoying the fruits of America's evil profit-driven health care system. If this was the end of the story, I'd be willing to smile and wish the happy hosers well with the addition to their family; however, as Paul Harvey used to say, there is ..... the rest of the story.


Because of the family's lack of Canadian passports (isn't that an old 80's nickname for a mullet haircut?) AND the father's criminal conviction, the family has not been allowed to enter the US to be with their baby.

So, like a knight to the rescue, in comes Michael Stickings, a blogger who just so happens to be a Canadian True Believer. Mr. Stickings proceeds to piss all over America and the American health care system, as evidenced by this quote from his blog...

...and this doesnít mean that the American system is better (after all, at least the couple and their baby are guaranteed care up here, thanks to our public system, even if itís not perfect)...

There are so many things wrong with that one sentence fragment that explaining all of them to you would take weeks. This fragment encapsulates the reason why I have decided that America must confront the Maple Menace and put condescending, smarmy moose-fuckers like Mr. Stickings ("The Moderate Voice"? Moderate? MODERATE? Compared to whom, exactly?) into their well deserved place.

Let's face it: Canada sucks, and Canadians know it. They like to pretend that they're better than us in order to preserve some shred of dignity in their snow-soaked desperate existences. Whether or not its comparing the CFL to the NFL, claiming credit for all the successful NHL teams in America (Jesus, do they even still PLAY NHL games in Canada?), or constantly whining about "how NICE Canadians are compared to Americans", the one constant in the character of Canadians is a deep-seated inferiority complex that comes out when they compare themselves to their freer and more productive neighbors to the South. It gets old fast, and we need to nip this sucker in the bud right freakin' now.

This is why I'm proposing that June 30, 2009 be declared the first annual "Kick A Canadian In the Nuts Day". Sure, its not a glamorous holiday like "Steak And a BJ Day" or "International Talk Like a Pirate Day", but it should be a day where Americans can celebrate our freedoms and speak in a condescending manner to our short-snowmobile riding neighbors from the Great White North. Just remember to provide your condescending comments in English AND French, to prevent falling prey to the Human Rights Brownshirts who patrol Canada and keep it safe from all corrupting American influences.

Seriously, though. You know why I'm touchy about this subject? About 16 months ago, my son Moses came into this world 6 weeks before his due date. He spent his first 19 days in a NICU bed in Des Moines, Iowa. In all the talk about what to do about the early delivery, I don't remember ANYONE suggesting "Hey, lets see if there are any beds available in a Canadian hospital, so that Big Mo can enjoy some of that free health care". The doctors and nurses (especially the nurses, who were AWESOME) who took care of Moses in the American system gave us the best care possible....and it was worth every damn dollar they got from our insurance company. For this Maple-flavored third-world douchebag to belittle the American health care system, he's got to belittle the parts of the system that I know for a fact are far from broken, and that shit ain't right. I take any attack, no matter how oblique and nuanced, on the people who care for premature babies in the Greatest Health Care System on The Planet personally. That's just how I roll, baby.

Canada, you're dead to me. I used to defend you back in the day. Hell, I used to say "Yeah, but Brian Adams ROCKED when he opened for Journey in '82!" and "Hockey is an underappreciated team sport", but now I'm through. For every Jim Carrey, you give me two Celine Dions - and you complain about the health care security blanket we provide for your citizens. I'm calling you out, hosers. Come correct with the apologies, or we'll finish the job we should have done in 1816 and offer American statehood to your Western Provinces, which are filled with manly men & comely women who still understand the value of a hard day's work.

Its not like I've got to worry about Canada actually coming after me & kicking my ass. Shit, Canada couldn't even defend itself against an attack from the Icelandic National Guard. Besides, Canadians don't respond violently to insults and abuse heaped upon them. We learned that back in 1776. They just say "Yes Daddy" to whichever Country is pulling the Gravy Train for their freeloading asses and go back to measuring the amount to "Native Canadian Content" in their television shows and other grabasstic timewasters that keep their people dumb and happy. God forbid that they should look around and see what's happening to their country and express some revulsion at being two steps behind a Mother Country that's got to ban "sharp pointy knives" to protect its citizens.

You want a piece of me, Canada? Bring it.

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posted by Russ from Winterset at 06:52 PM

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