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November 06, 2008

The Family BBQ Just Went South (Kat-Mo)

In the first episode at the family BBQ, everybody had just shown up and were standing around until Cousin Sarah appeared. In today's episode, we join the family BBQ two kegs in and somewhat worse for wear.

Yes, you have been to those kinds of parties, even with the family, where some folks have obviously tapped the keg one too many times. There they are, holding court in the middle of the yard, drunk as hell, yelling at the top of their lungs all of the deep dark family squabbles while sloshing that half empty plastic cup of beer around. The squabbles that everybody agreed to never speak about at family gatherings except in whispers for the very reason that we see now: somebody gets pissed off and leaves the party.

Even if somebody finally gets Uncle Dumbass or Aunt Big Mouth under control and gets their spouse to drive them home, it is too late. The party is over and everybody is making excuses and exiting stage left as if the last great plague had just descended.

Of course, it usually leaves the big mess for the host and hostess to clean up. If they are lucky, a few stragglers are too embarrassed to just leave the mess for somebody else, so they stay to help out.


Cousin Sarah, that almost everybody loved for bringing all the extras and helping to get the party organized, remains gracious and insists it is right to help clean up while continuously assuring the host and hostess that the party was great. She enjoyed it very much and is looking forward to the next family BBQ. This time, though, she'll come early and bring more of her own family to help set up the big tent.

Uncle John's a little depressed because he's pretty sure this is his last big family BBQ he'll be attending. But, it is really great to see the next generation starting to show up for the party. Maybe some new faces showing up will help keep this little family tradition going. Of course, some folks hope that there isn't so much beer next time. The rest of us are pretty sure that Mom and Dad should lock up the hard stuff and keep Aunt Peggy out of the wine cellar.

You are standing there listening to drunk ass and several of his cohorts griping among themselves that they would have had a better time at the party if Cousin Sarah hadn't shown up. She made them spend time getting the tent set up and laying out the food when all they wanted to do was sit around, drink some beer and listen to Uncle John's war stories.

Their stupidity, jealousy and general ingratitude pisses you off so bad you can't help yourself. You walk up to the loudest mouth in the group, get in his face and say, "Listen up, fuck face. If Cousin Sarah hadn't shown up with some moose burgers and something to light the fire with, you would have been sitting in the grass fending off ants while you tried to swallow down the crappy raw hamburgers and stale potato chip crumbs Mom and Dad was going to serve. And, you would have been happy to be washing it down with flat beer left over from the last party. They were broke and none of you assholes were going to chip in until Cousin Sarah showed up and made you out for the chumps you are.

So, suck it up. Next time you want to have a little more free time to enjoy the party, show up early, bring some food and beer, chip in some money and help get things set up before everybody shows up to eat. Otherwise, shut up and just say, 'thank you', you ungrateful jackasses."

If you are lucky, they put down their wine glasses and half empty beer cans before they slink out the door still muttering about some cousin from the boonies they never heard of coming in and messing up their party.

Their party! It's not even their freaking house! It's our house and they were invited guests. But, you know families, there are always one or two who think they are better than the rest and always take for granted that they are somehow the life of the party and its reason for being. Fucking mooches always showing up eating the food, drinking the liquor and acting like it's their due. They're lucky they share the same last name and that Mom and Dad instilled the importance of family in you because it's the only thing that is keeping you from walking behind them and slamming the door on their asses as they leave. They couldn't even help clean up, for fucks sakes!

That's when you notice that Professor Pied Piper Obama has left and taken most of the young people with him. They went down the street to this big white house the Professor heard was going to be empty. Nothing like a nice little Rave Party with some LSD, SDS and Mary Jo. He's convinced them to pool their money together and buy some stuff to throw their own party. Everybody is going to share. They'll invite all the cool foreign kids and share with them, too. Then everybody will like them and want to be their friends because sharing is caring.

You do have to wonder how they plan to keep the lights on or have any gasoline to drive home once they spend all their money on all that good shit for every kid in the 57 states. You also know that, as soon as they blow that wad of cash and max out their credit cards on all that good hash they'll be knocking on your door at 1 AM asking for the keys to your car, a loan of money and if there is any beer or food left over they can take back to feed the hoard that showed up when they heard there was a free party on the block.

What the hell? Didn't anybody tell Uncle Joe that the party is over? He must have hit the hard stuff a little too hard. He's over in the corner talking to your Mom's ficus about how he and Professor O are equal partners now. It's a real important deal. Uncle Joe's going to be his top advisor on how to get all the cool foreign kids to like them.

You're trying to decide if you should tell him that the party moved down the street already and the Syrians, Iranians and Palestinians they were so excited about are going to crash their little love fest. Man, you'd like to leave it to them to figure it out, but you know those little assholes will finish trashing that place and move down to yours. Once a neighborhood goes bad, it's hard to get it back. Not to mention those urban renewal programs usually end up being trash pits of despair.

"Yo! Uncle Joe! The party is over. You better catch up with Professor O because he's going to be in desperate need of your advice. He's about to get our collective asses kicked!"

Yeah, the party's over. Back to the usual family squabbles and general back biting.

You ever notice that somebody always leaves the party pissed off?

But, what can you say?

It's family, right?

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posted by xgenghisx at 05:45 AM

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