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August 22, 2008

Oh No, Br'er Obama! Please Don't Pick Br'er Biden as Your VP!

As of 3 pm CST, Obama hasn't announced his VP selection yet. Some are still thinking that Joe Biden is the frontrunner. You Wish!

Joe Biden is a moron who's in love with the sound of his own voice. Yeah, he can bloviate with the best of 'em, but when you look at what he says and shine the cold, hard light of facts on his ideas, they fall apart.

We got to see quite a bit of "Clean, Articulate" Joe Biden here in Iowa last year. In case you missed it, he ran for President again this year. A local radio talkshow host I vaguely know kept having Biden on his program to pump his brain for information on foreign policy. I swear to God, his "Joe E. Biden, Sooooooper Genius" act is about five miles past the international limit of parody. My pal still gushes over Biden's intellect, but he's got a bit of the blusterer in him, so I guess he sees Biden as a brother-in-arms.

I'll spare you the breakdown of each and every one of Joe Biden's dumb ideas, but let's just say that, to paraphrase Will Rodgers' famous quote: "Joe Biden never met a man that he didn't think he was WAY smarter than." That condescending attitude got him a whole 0.5% of the Democratic vote here in Iowa last winter. That's about 0.5% more than Chris Dodd got, but I don't think anyone's gonna put THAT slogan on a bumper sticker any time soon.

I'd LOVE to see Obama pick Biden to be his VP. Not just because Biden's an intellectual lightweight who chooses to punch about six classes above his mental weight class, but because he's completely unable to be a wingman to ANYONE. Every time he steps onto a stage with Obama, the whole crowd will be wondering if and when he'll remind all of them that he's WAY smarter than anyone in the room...including his party's nominee for President. Joe can't help it. He's just being Joe. He's just gotta be acknowledged as the Smartest Man in The Room, and I don't see Captain Bullshit getting along well with Joe Biden. Of course, who would have thought that John "I served in Vietnam" Kerry would choose John "My Wife has terminal cancer" Edwards as his running mate? VP choices have little to do with how comfortable the two people are with each other, and they usually end up like arranged marriages from the Middle Ages. VP choice #1 has wide, child-bearing hips and a pleasant demeanor; but the family of VP choice #2 has Huge Tracts of Land, so #2 gets the nod every time.

I looked for that old Looney Tunes bit where Wile E. Coyote is sitting in a shack making TNT carrot bombs and repeating over & over to himself: "Wile E. Coyote - Super Genius. I LIKE the sound of that." However, while I was doing that, I realized that Wile E. Coyote isn't the best fit for Joe Biden. Here's the Looney Tunes character that Biden should have tattooed on his bicep, which SUCKS, since he's one of my favorites.

(BEFORE YOU START screeching about my Klan membership: Yes, I do realize that Br'er Rabbit is considered by some to be "slightly racist" at best. Don't blame me, I didn't write the damn stories. If there's another way to get the whole "please don't throw me in the briar patch" comparison to current events into the conversation, I'd love to hear it. You know what I think? When you're gonna be accused of racism by your opponents for even opposing their Annointed One, why not mix in a reference to a well-known story that perfectly illustrates how you feel about the process? It's not like they're gonna charge you with "Double-Secret Racism", right?)

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posted by Russ from Winterset at 04:28 PM

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