Attention Greg Gutfeld: Unicorns Do Exist!

As a devoted fan and zealous watcher of the best show on television, "Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld", I feel obligated to bring this story to the attention of the blogosphere.

For it involves one of Gutfeld's favorite things. No, not assless chaps and butt-plugs. OK, those are two of his favorite things. The favorite thing I actually had in mind was UNICORNS.

You see, the Gut has long been a fan of the allegedly mythical creatures with the single long horn that is rumored to be capable of both healing injuries and also meeting all your deviant needs outside the Port Authority terminals at 3:00 AM.

And while many scoffed and dismissed his passionate claims that unicorns were real, Gutfeld has been vindicated.

For science has captured one. Yes, Virginia, Unicorns are real. In fact, there is even more proof that unicorns exist than there is of Bill Schulz's heterosexuality. Because, unlike Schulz's proclivities, Unicorns have been captured on film.

It's only a matter of time now until Fluffy McNutter gets photographed in the wild, probably spreading lotion on a young Laotian houseboy's back while sipping Mai Tai's through a specially modified gag-ball. And then? The Gut will be completely and totally vindicated.

Congrats, Greg! Not everyone can seek sexual release through the high-art of hobo-strangulation. For your sake, and the sake of all those with whom you work, I hope this finally brings you the satisfaction that has been so long in coming.

And if it doesn't? I hear Levy has some really primo imported Mexican cat snuff-films. There's nothing like seeing a pussy get what's coming to it, after all, to really stimulate the artistic juices.

But what do I know? I'm a dog guy.

posted by Jack M. at 02:15 PM

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