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April 18, 2008

Lance Winslow: Washing Cars, Kicking Ass

In one of the longest "About Us" sections of a website ever, an owner of several professional "mobile washing" companies informs us of his Warrior Genes and Patrician Extraction from the Mayflower crowd as well as his all-around athleticism, noting, for example, he played soccer in youth leagues for seven years.

This goes on for, just guessing here, around 2 or 3,000 words. Several of these accomplishments are actually notable. Others are... sort of notable, kinda, but we usually don't talk about them past age 20 (like being voted Most Likely to Succeed in high school). Some are just... him telling us what he did at his various jobs and are entirely unremarkable.

Lance Winslow's relentless enthusiasm for the myriad accomplishments of Lance Winslow just isn't as infectious as he might hope.

Emphases added. There's so much awesome in Lance Winslow's bio I have to highlight the super-awesome ones.


Recently Lance's genealogy and ancestry was traced all the way back to the Mayflower Voyage. Both Edward Winslow, later a Governor and Governor Bradford of the Mayflower are ancestors to Mr. Winslow. This may explain his passion to fight for what he believes is right and never give up.

Lance soloed five different types of aircraft on his sixteenth birthday, soloed a glider at sixteen, became a private pilot at age seventeen and started the world's first computerized aircraft multi-listing service before the fax machine was popular or widespread computer use. During this time, Lance was also the Western Regional Advertising Representative for The Pacific Flyer, a major general aviation newspaper.

Lance then operated Aero-Auto Wash until April 1990 and in June of 1989 Lance Winslow founded The Car Wash Guys. He later decided to capitalize on his concept and began to franchise.... Lance estimates the industry potential of his market sectors at several hundred billion dollars.

Lance Winslow and his team, over the past decade, have washed for many large companies...

Lance was a Junior Olympic AAU track and field champion starting at age ten which culminated into a track scholarship to college, which he chose not to take advantage of. During his youth, Lance posted four consecutive years of no defeats. He continues running to this day. In addition to track and field Lance was involved in other team sports, including soccer, which he played for 7 years. Four years in AYSO- American Youth Soccer Organization, 2 years of Club Soccer and one year in HS.

Lance had early interests in architecture and the sketching of WWII aircraft. He built many plastic and balsa wood aircraft models. He also built and airbrushed 100's of army tanks and other military models. Later he got involved in HO scale railroad models.

Lance is also an accomplished motorcycle street racer and got into much trouble in his youth when he was not on the race track, most of which was blamed on his warrior genes, as his dad was a US Navy fighter pilot. In high school Lance was class president, four year varsity letterman and voted Most Likely To Succeed. He was President of his high school's Future Business Leaders of America club and Chess club. Lance was in the Civil Air Patrol and the Boy Scouts Aviation Explorers while learning to fly as kid.


Lance worked with the County of Ventura to design a NPDES permit for the Regional Water Quality Control Board in California to comply with the EPA federal Clean Water Act. He wrote many of the Best Management Practices for surface cleaners, a category in which mobile washers and detailers fall into, for storm water non-point source discharges. These same BMPs are now used all over the United States to help preserve our fresh water supply....

Following exhaustive research and comprehensive comparisons of franchise case law, legislative updates and hundred’s of other franchisor documents, Lance wrote his own Uniform Franchise Offering Circular (UFOC), Franchisee Agreement with all exhibits. The ninety plus page legal document was approved by the California Department of Corporations in an unusually short timeframe. Lance became a franchisor at age thirty-two.

WashGuys now has over 20 franchise agreements for various WashGuy systems and modifications of those to make the total over 200 different documents each over 160 pages for use in various jurisdictions and countries all written by Mr. Winslow. Lance hates bureaucracy and excess governmental controls,, which he knows stifle free enterprise, innovation and consumer choice. It is estimated that this work done by Mr. Winslow has saved the company over half a million dollars in legal fees over the past 3 years alone.


Later Lance battled with the FTC, Federal Trade Commission over complaints and false declarations coming from competitors. After a year of legal maneuvering from both sides, he settled out of court with no fine and no penalty. Later in a letter to the FTC he pledged to keep a continual eye on their activities so they never falsely accuse another franchisor. He rifled off a 45 page letter as well as another 150 page letter citing their many unwarranted attacks on American Business. Mr. Winslow believes in the Friedman Economic Model, that government and business need to work together to provide a seamless free market system where Entrepreneurs can provide innovation, jobs and capital so consumers can have more choices, better pricing and can vote with their dollars. Mr. Winslow will never back down to those who challenge the spirit of free enterprise or any government agency which attempts to ruin all we are and all we have built.

Car Wash Guys was also a member of the International Franchise Association (IFA), but left due to a difference in beliefs regarding the Internet and modern day franchising, the IFA later changed their views and are now in line with Lance's original concerns 3 years ago. Lance also took advice from Susan Kezios, President of the (AFA) American Franchisee Association and Founder of Women In Franchising. Lance's dedication to the franchising industry has also attracted other franchise leaders, such as Lou Gurnick....

Lance also belongs to the listserve of the American Bar Association's (ABA) forum on franchising. This is where Franchise Attorneys from all the world, try to work out real issues with the franchising format.


Lance led Car Wash Guys through the rigorous screening of the United States Small Business Administration (SBA) to become an approved franchisor eligible for franchisee funding. A task that fewer than eight percent (Less than 250) of all franchisors had accomplished at the time in 1997.


Lance has established with the help of his elite franchisee team and master mind group; proto-type franchise projects including; a fixed site car wash, 8-bay detailing super center, truck detailing shop, fixed site truck wash, and pontoon boat washing units.

Lance and his team are conducting test markets of the following additions to the team: mobile oil change trucks, www.oilchangeguys.com, mobile bed-liners and other coatings and chemical snow removal units.


Over the last four years Lance has traveled to all 50 US states, visited every state capitol building, and gone to every city in the continental U.S. with a population of 10,000 or more. He did this to lobby for his company and the mobile washing Industry. Discussing environmental concerns, non profit groups, energy issues, water shortages, crime, employment, and children's issues. He has traveled to 90 Indian Reservations, 250 museums, visited 500 Chambers of Commerce and Economic Development Associations to discuss the possible role for The Car Wash Guys in those communities.

There's actually more of it. It just goes on and on.

I'm not sure what I find the most impressive: That he made models as a kid, played soccer as a child, that he escaped paying a penalty for making false statements about his competitors, that he once "rifled" off a 150 page letter, that he once took advice from a woman I've never heard of before, or that he belongs to a listserv about franchises.

Or visiting every state capital. Pretty much I think right there that's a life well lived.

All I know is that he will not back down from what he believes is right.

Nor will he ever back down from what he believes constitutes best business practices for a franchisor in the vehicle washing industry.

You guys know who this guy has to meet and marry, right?

Now How Much Would You Pay? I stopped reading out of pure exhaustion; one can only read so much pure, weapons-grade awesome before despairing about one's own meager accomplishments. (For example, I only played youth soccer for five years.)

SarahW points out more. In addition to being the most prolific author on the intenet -- with 12,000 (twelve... thousand) articles to his credit -- he's seeking co-authors for a couple or hundred books he's working on:

Lance is currently working on the following books, to be completed within the next year, and is considering qualified co-authors for some of the titles:

Futurist Books

Artificial Intelligence and Possible Futures
Comets, Asteroids, Meteorites and Earth Civilizations
Computer Brain Interfaces of the Future
Economics of the First Decade of the 21st Century
Franchising the World
Future Auto Technologies
Future Aviation Technologies
Future Concepts and Technology
Future Underwater Technologies
Growing Our Own Fuel; Switch to E85 Ethanol
Hover Boards and Skateboards of the Future
Holographic Projection Technologies of the Future - Killer Applications
Killing Hurricanes and Weather Control
LED Lighting of the Future
MAV's; Micro Air Vehicle Strategies in the Future
Killing Locust Plagues
Pure Opinion and Politics of 2005
Pure Opinion and Politics of 2006
Pure Opinion and Politics of 2007
RFID and the Future
Robotics of the Future
Smart Dust of the Future
Smart Garages of the Future
Space Colonies of the Future
The Flow of All We Know
The Future of High-Performance Motorcycles
The Future of IT
The Future Personal Tech
The Human Animal Debate
Truck Technologies of the Future
UAVs of the Future
Via Game Design Strategies for the Future
Virtual Reality of the Future
Wind Cars of the Future
Military Books

Unmanned Vehicle Robotic Warfare - Hide and Seek Strategies
Advanced Weapons Technologies Of the Future
Human Fighter Pilots Versus UAVs with AAI Computer Systems
Robotic Net Centric Battlefield of the Future
The Future of Military Air Superiority
Winslow on War; Military Strategy and Philosophy
Winslow on War; War Strategies for the 21st Century
Other Books

Plan of Action for Nairobi Slums
An Atheist Discussion on the Absurdity of Human Religion
Biking across America-Lower Latitudes
Common Sense Psychology 101
Downtown Revitalization
Home Schooling Tips for Parents and Educators
Honesty in Humanities
How to Become a Writer
How to Run a Successful Red Ribbon Week Program
How to Run a Successful Car Wash Fundraiser
How You Can Help in Honduras
Human Psychology of Winning
Hypersonic Humans and Overachievers in Society
Internet Fraud and Freedom in the Balance
Lessons for Internet Forum Users and Bloggers
Motivation, Goal Setting and Success Strategies
Online Article Writing
RV Knowledge Primer
Social Issues of Our Time
The Flow of Thought
The Flow of Transportation and Distribution
The Flow of Water
The Hypothetical Science of Common Sense
The Power of Presence and Brand Marketing in the 21st Century
Think on It
Winning Strategies for the Long-Distance Runner
World Social Issues; Solving the Problems through Proper Planning

You can read more about Lance Winslow in his upcoming autobiograhy:

Untamable Heart:
The Extraodinary LifeJourney of Lance Winslow
and Advanced Guide to HO Scale Railroading

Incidentally, I'm also auditioning talented co-writers for the books I'm writing.

I'm currently working on thirty-eight thousand different books. So if you get turned down for one, don't be afraid to apply for another you might be better suited for.

One of those Twelve Thousand Articles: SarahW is going crazy finding stuff on this guy. Here's one of those "articles," which, um, I personally would call an "off-the-cuff five-minute blog-post," and not a particuarly insightful one at that:

Irresponsible Need a Job?

Let’s face it so many people these days are so completely irresponsible one has to wonder what type a job they might be able to hold? One career path, which might fit the bill for a totally irresponsible person is to become an Attorney at Law. Now you might think that attorneys are responsible, but you are mistaken. You see not only are attorneys irresponsible but they help others who are irresponsible pretend to be responsible and re-assign their responsibility to another, an organization or an agency; that in itself is irresponsible as a citizen. Assisting another to defraud and forgo their duties to society and yet retain the efforts of the whole of that society or steal from the labors of another for that which you did not earn is irresponsible; how on Earth could it be another other than that.

Not long ago there was a huge defrauding by Law Students to discharge their student loans by using their new law degree and license to file bankruptcy. It was said to be good practice and some graduating students found a never-ending supply of bankruptcy clients not more than a 3-mile radius from the University Grounds.

So, if you are an irresponsible piece of garbage and a worthless excuse for a human being, I recommend you become a lawyer so you can continue your current level of work ethic and comfortable lifestyle that you are use to. Just think you can even drive a Beamer and pretend your human waste is without odor. All attorneys know everything is only a matter of definition. After all don’t your wants out weigh any other needs of society? If you believe that, you are already on your way to being a very excellent lawyer indeed. Think on this.

It's not so much that I disagree with it as it's... stupid. It's not even wrong, as they say.

An "article" is a bit of easy-peasey lawyer bashing?

At bottom is his sig, which is even funnier:

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board.

If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; www.WorldThinkTank.net/. Lance is a guest writer for Our Spokane Magazine in Spokane, Washington

I have an innovative thought; will Lance let me think with him?

I guess the only way to make sure is to send this to him and see what he thinks:

My Balls Are Itching Somethin' Ferocious

Son of a bitch my balls are itching. I think it's because they're all sweaty and I haven't washed my junk in a week. It's really annoying, if you know what I mean. LOL.

I really should wash them at some point but I'm too busy dashing off articles.

Speaking of dashing, you know who sucks? The IRS. Yeah, I said it. They're not going to frighten me into silence. I hate the IRS because they take my money to spend it on shit I don't want or need, like government-sponsored ball-washing instruction seminars for minorities. Or lawyers. LOL.

Well I'm done with this article. My next one will be an alt-history piece on whether Alexander could have held on to his empire if his men had been mounted on trained cavalry velociraptors.

Let me tease my conclusion: Just possibly.

His Latest "Article:" I am not shitting you; this is the entirety of the "article."

How to Legally Sell a Used Car By Yourself

Posted by lancewinslow under Legal | Tags: bill of sale, car, vehicle |
No Comments

The first thing you need before selling a used car is a used car bill of sale. This will transfer ownership of an item (the car) to another owner legally. It will include things like the odometer reading, the VIN number, and other details about the vehicle.

In all selling your own car is not very difficult. All you need is a bill of sale and to transfer the title.

Well, it's not as important as his upcoming book Social Issues of our Time, but I guess it is sort of useful, if you're a fucking retard.

"Time Neutral:" Sanguine digs up the "Online Think Tank"'s mission statement:

The Online Think Tank is the most unique and qualified mastermind group on Earth, as we are “Time Neutral” thinking beyond the confines of time. Our members might be discussing the thoughts of Aristotle and Plato one moment and then in the same sentence the future concepts of Isaac Asimov and Arthur C Clarke.

Wow, a blog that fucks around superficially discussing unrelated topics and sometimes manages to include science-fiction.

That's a real innovation. It's a shame he can't patent that idea and profit from it. There is no justice.

I wonder if he'd consider really exploding the paradigm by linking chicks with big tits and mentioning Star Trek here and there?

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posted by Ace at 12:18 PM

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