Finally: A Dog IQ Test

Someone I know wants a dog, but only a smart dog. I'm pretty sure she'll wind up with a morondog, but perhaps this miracle of science will spare her that fate:

Finally, an answer to the question: How dumb is your best friend?

A California company has created a doggy IQ test that's sure to please New York canine lovers who are certain their pampered pup's the second coming of Lassie.

The Pooch IQ Kit comes with 15 "mentally stimulating" exercises designed to assess whether Fido's an academic, an imbecile or just plain average.

"We developed it in-house and we did a ton of research on both human and dog intelligence," said Stacy Stubblefield, a spokeswoman for PoochIQ.com.

Sample Dog IQ Test Questions

General Knowledge and Current Events. Mark the following either "True" or "False" based upon your belief and knowledge.

1. My own genitals taste like strawberry waffles.

2. That other dog's ass tastes like my genitals, which in turn tastes like strawberry waffles.

3. This nasty old rotting canvas sneaker I just pulled out of the mulchpile tastes like that dog's ass, which in turn tastes like my own genitals, which themselves taste like strawberry waffles.

4. Toilet water tastes much like maple syrup.

Mathematical Reasoning. Answer each of the following questions. Partial credit will be given for incomplete answers if your work is shown.

5. You have one (1) full dish of dog food. The other dog in the house also has (1) full dish of dog food. Assuming you can swallow every bit of food in his dish without chewing in 1.5 seconds or less, how many dishes of dog food do you really have? Note: Assume the other dog is a little piece of shit like a terrier, but not terribly "scrappy." You can take him.

6. A northbound train leaves Station X at 60 mph. A southbound train leaves Station Y -- directly 150 miles down the track from Station X -- at 50 mph. At what point will you go apeshit bugfuck crazy because someone said the word "leash"?

7. If your master apparently throws a tennis ball at a speed of 30 feet per second and it is apparently airborne for 2.5 seconds and stops completely as soon as it hits the ground, how far does he throw the ball? NOTE: The key word here is "apparently."

Honestly, you shouldn't even have your calculator out for this question. Put it down. No, put it down. I'm trying to help you here. Remember, apparently? I put it in italics and everything.

No, it's not an invisible ball and besides invisible balls wouldn't travel any further than visible ones. Apparently it's a perfectly normal ball. Hint.

No, assume gravity is still functioning. And wind resistance too, yes. I really think you're overthinking this. You'll have this well in hand if you just hold on a minute with the math, know what I mean?

Again with the calculator. What are you doing? Cosine has absolutely nothing to do with this problem. Stop hitting the logarithm function. You don't even know what that is.

No, no, no. You already said 75 feet the first time and it's still wrong. Jesus. Forget it. Let's move on.

Don't look at me all betrayed and wounded. I didn't trick you. You tricked yourself.

Verbal Reasoning. For the analogy below, choose the answer that best mimics the relationship of the given word pair.

8. OWNER is to BELOVED FRIEND as SQUIRREL is to:

a) playful foil

b) bosom chum

c) occasional companion

d) esteemed rival

e) Adolf Hitler

Essay. Please answer the following question either in the affirmative or negative, defending your answer with evidence from your own experiences and outside reading.

Is he a good boy?! Is he?! Is he the best boy?! Does he want to go in the car? The car?! The car?! Is that what my puppy wants?!

Extra credit if you can answer without crapping on the sofa or pissing on the cat.

posted by Ace at 01:25 PM

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