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February 22, 2008

Filth, Etc.

Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, also known by the medical term Advanced Chronic Fucking Awesome.

I'm going to the edit the "saids" and "asked" and such here to make it 15% hotter. But all the quotes and stuff are 100% real. I also changed the complications arising from Priapism, and added a kicker after a doctor's odd suggestion

ABC News spoke with four women who all experience unwanted sexual sensations. Heather Dearmon, Nancy Austin, and two women who requested anonymity (referred to as Lauren and Emily) all suffer from unintended sexual arousal.

"It's unwanted sexual sensations in your vagina," Dearmon purred.

"And sex doesn't help it," Lauren squealed, girlishly excited. "Orgasm doesn't relieve it, sometimes it makes it stronger. This is to me, irritating, torture."

"You spend a lot of time avoiding situations that will set you off," Austin said between puffs of her cigarette, silver smoke curling around her devilishly jet-black hair like a misplaced halo.

...

"It's spontaneous, intrusive, and unwanted genital arousal — consisting of throbbing, pulsing or tingling without the person's sexual interest or desire," Dr. Goldstein growled, setting down his broadsword and gazing lustily at the pretty prize he had won.

"I thought I was alone in this," Dearmon unuttoned her blouse for fear her heaving breasts might burst through them -- anything for relief, sweet, precious relief. "And this is after seeing every kind of doctor imaginable, gynecologist, psychologist, psychiatrist — you know, everything. And none had ever heard of anything."

The medical consultations were not only confusing but, at times, condescending. Dearmon said one of her doctors told her to get a hobby, and another doctors suggested she become a lesbian... for his dark pleasure.

...

"Is it coming from the brain? Is it coming from the body? Is it, is it a nerve?" Emily asked, embarrassed at her own filthy curiosity; but something had wakened within her, something primal, something hungry...

...

"Their genitals are aroused 24/7, 365 and they can't concentrate," Dr. Goldstein sneered as he drew out his man-arrow from its trousher-quiver. "They can't work. Anything that moves or vibrates will lead them into orgasmic release."

Dearmon was one of those women who had symptoms day-in and day-out. "It's like it's living on its own, with its own mind," she thrilled.

Dearmon and her husband Jeremy have been dealing with PSAS since it began during her pregnancy 12 years ago.

"I felt like I lost myself," Dearmon confessed, smiling coquettishly, quite unsure if this wondrous new game had gone... perhaps too far?

At first, they thought the sensations would stop when she gave birth. Instead they intensified, lasting 24 hours a day. Dearmon found only one way to stop them.

"I was masturbating in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night," Dearmon taunted, her nipples painted whorishly with red lipstick. "I would be crying while I was, you know, masturbating because — nobody wants to do that all day long."

...


Men can have a similar problem with unwanted and prolonged arousal called Priapism, which is an engorged penis lasting for more than four hours. In males it is a medical emergency that includes complications such as awesomeness and captaining a pirate ship.

And yeah, I understand this is real disease and awful and all that, but really, even doctors are mentioned in the article saying stuff like "I wish my wife had that," so come on, give me a break.

I'm just a man. I have a breaking point.

Meanwhile, in Britain, a man is convicted of murdering a model and having sex with her corpse.

His defense? He didn't kill her; he just found the dead body and (I swear to God) "inadvertently" had sex with it.

The jury found that difficult to believe.

This is why I don't have sex with dead bodies myself. You're just setting yourself up for this kind of misunderstanding.

Oh... And I'm not way to horny to bother looking up a cite, but Scott writes, regarding the Gene Simmons Sex Tape (also known as Detroit Fucks City):

It's been reported out here in LA that Gene Simmons owns the video copyrights of the sex tape, so the genessexvideo.com (which was selling the video) is going to/has gotten a cease and desist order with regards to releasing the video.

Yeah, I'm sure he'll get on that cease and desist order right away.

So Liberals Ain't Got No Lead In Their Pencils? On Monday, the Minnesota Star-Tribune, known (I think) as the Red Star for its somewhat Communist leanings yearnings, had its sports page sponsored 100% by erectile dysfunction ads.

And not just any ED elixirs — no, these are the special kinds, so mysterious in the ways of the herb that the Food and Drug Administration does not evaluate them! Aspire36, promising you will "Satisfy Her Like Never Before," and Vazopren, the giver of "Maximum Sexual Performance."


The, er, deflating news? The two quarter-page ads were the only ones in the eight-page section — a truly abysmal percentage that will get journalists agitated in all the wrong ways.

The liberal MSM is dying just like their virility.

Thanks to Matthew.


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posted by Ace at 02:37 PM

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