Mythical Scottish Monster killed By Mythical Scientific Weather Consensus

That's right.

Scotland's beloved Nessie is believed by one cryptozoologist to have died.

Apparently, Nessie succumbed to the only mythical force greater than she: ManBearPig Global Warming.

LEGENDARY Nessie hunter Robert Rines is giving up his search for the monster after 37 years. The 85-year-old American will make one last trip in a bid to find the elusive beast. After almost four decades of fruitless expeditions, he admitted: "Unfortunately, I'm running out of age." World War II veteran Robert has devoted almost half his life to scouring Loch Ness. He started in 1971. The following year, he watched a 25ft-long hump with the texture of elephant skin gliding through the water.

FOX News ALERT: That hump you saw wasn't Nessie. It was LauraW swimming laps in the Scottish Highlands. She migrates there annually to dine on Haggis and Scottish children.

Since then, he has been obsessed with tracking down the creature with a staggering array of hi-tech equipment. It was this gear that took the famous "flipper" picture that year which created a stir around the world. Despite having hundreds of sonar contacts over the years, the trail has since gone cold and Rines believes that Nessie may be dead, a victim of global warming. He still wants to check almost 100 contacts on the floor of the loch, believing one may be the monster's remains.

Global Warming: It's in yur atmosfear killin' yur monstas since 2008.

posted by Jack M. at 08:36 PM

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