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November 20, 2007

5 Upcoming Superhero Movies That Must Not Be

From Cracked, of course, home of the funny lists.

On The Sub-Mariner:

Namor: The Sub-Mariner (which, technically, is his full title in case upon meeting him you happened to overlook the scaly G-string and stench of vagina in the room, and thus were incapable of deducing that Namor might be Sub-Marine in nature) was one of the very first superheroes, debuting in 1939. His powers are roughly equivalent to that of a jacked-up Aquaman, a character most famous for being ridiculously useless.

...

Namor has pointy Spock ears, can communicate with aquatic life, breathe underwater, possesses an enhanced physique to deal with the high pressure depths and, of course, has the obligatory tiny wings on his ankles that enable him to fly.

What's that you say? That last one seems a little out of place? Why would an aquatically themed superhero flit about on delicate little calf-wings? According to the creators: Fuck you, that's why.

On Thor:

Much like most bisexual East Berlin rave DJs, The Mighty Thor is named after an adjective and a powerful Norse god. The commonalities do not end there, however. Much like, say, "DJ Baldur the Funky Ramrod," The Mighty Thor also possesses radiant, flowing, shoulder-length blond locks, wears giant yellow go-go boots and a bright red cape, and most of what comes out of his mouth is an ancient, but powerful and masculine Germanic tongue.

Oh, the Scandis must be going wild.

Thanks to herbert.


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posted by Ace at 12:40 PM

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