In Defense of the "Conventionally Handsome"

I note with some heart-ache that the founder of this blog, Mr. Ace O'Spades, continues to view the "conventionally handsome" in stereotypically insulting terms. As a member of this targeted community, I feel it is my obligation to speak up and condemn the hard bigotry of stunning expectations.

You see, poor, ewok-looking Ace seems to believe that we beautiful people (and by we, I pretty much mean Me, LauraW, and Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena) are inherently "dumb as a sack of retards" just because we are gob-smackingly, jaw-droppingly, gorgeous.

This is just insane. Have we not reached the point in our society where men can be judged on the content of their character rather than the David Hasselhoffian cleft in their chins? Where women can be judged on their talents in the boardroom, rather than the bedroom?

OK..I readily admit the last point is a stretch. Chicks in a boardroom? Who's ever heard of such a thing?

But back to the larger point. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful Ace. Just accept that you NEED the handsome in your seething world of envy and jealousy.

For example...you are moving back to New York. There are literally hundreds of hip and fashionable nightclubs that you stand NO CHANCE of gaining admission to no matter how long you stand in line.

But, hey, you are a friend. So I can put in a word for you, and, if you are willing to come in the kitchen door, I can probably sneak you in.

Or think about how hard it is for you to catch a cab in the City. Everyone knows that the terminally attractive always have great jobs and make more money. That's why cabbies always stop for those, like me, who are blessed with the looks of a Grecian God. If you want, I'll do you a solid and flag one down for your Hobo-chasing ass.

You see, Ace, the conventionally handsome have a lot to offer your world. But you have to stop with the hatred. I don't condemn all trollish, basement dwelling bloggers because of YOUR looks. Why? Because despite your lack of refinement and your bad luck in the genetic lottery, I was willing to give you a chance.

Can't you find it in your shrunken, shrivelled, heart to do the same for us?

Because, let's face it, you aren't going to beat us. So you have two choices: get extensive reconstructive surgery and join us, or start looking for jobs on the carnival circuit when this blogging gig ends.

I hope I've helped.

Your friend,

Jack M.

posted by Jack M. at 07:04 PM

| Access Comments