Cosmo's Seven "New" Rules For Keeping Your Man!

I've been doing it wrong.

The advice is fairly unobjectionable. Except... well, they contrast the Old Rule, which is now revealed as stupid and counterproductive, with the New Rule, which they say gets better results. The trouble is the New Rule is pretty fucking obvious; were they really selling women on the Old Rule before?

Let's take an example:

Old rule: Don’t fall all over him

You think he’ll gag if you throw your arms around his neck and tell him every little thing you love about him. Besides, you’ve been together long enough that he knows how you feel … or think.

New rule: Give in to your mushy side

One of the side effects of being nuts about a guy is the occasional overwhelming urge to lavish him with affection and act like, you know, a girl. Don’t hold back! Show him how much he rocks your world. “A guy needs and wants to be reminded again and again why you love him,” says couples therapist Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of “Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First).” Men might not admit that they’re into the romance stuff, but that difference is actually part of your allure in the first place. Give up on gushing and he may miss seeing that feminine trait.

Though you want to reaffirm your affection for him, don’t go too far overboard. The kind of things he’ll dig: Kiss his face all over, start lots of sentences with “I love it when you …,” or call him the pet name you gave him when you first started dating. Tell him he’s the barbecue/hard drive-debugger/bed-making master when he does something for you, or pine away for the things he does best when he’s not around (“I wish you were here to rub my back”).

Even if the comment seems minor, “the extra dose of loving is what keeps the feelings you have for each other stoked,” says Turndorf.

Um, let's put aside the basic structure of stupid advice like this where they set up two Straw Man Extremes (being cold and aloof versus hanging all over him) and tell you to, surprise!, choose the Happy Medium between these two.

But note the "New Rule" -- which basically boils down to "It's all right to let a guy you love know you love him."

This wasn't the rule before? What was the rule before? Treating someone you love like a sack of other, lesser sacks just to show you don't give a shit?

Eh.

I know. Not exactly big news.

I really have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

But really, guys should get together and write a magazine like this for women. We are the ones who know how women can look hot and turn guys on and stuff.

Women seem to take advice about men almost exclusively from other women (largely shrieking feminist harridans) and homosexuals who are not merely gay but supra-gay.

Here's some first thoughts on Old Rules/New Rules:

Old Rule: Don't Suck His Dick, No Matter How Much He Begs

You think his hog is radioactive. You could get mutated tonsils or something.

New Rule: We've All Got To Die Of Something

What, your mouth's so precious? You'd go down on Chuck Woolery, wouldn't you? So stop being a withholding prude and do something for you guy already.

This isn't rocket science, folks.

posted by Ace at 04:12 PM

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