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August 21, 2007

Good News: Scientists On Verge of Creating Artificial Life Which Will Solve Most Of World's Problems, Including, Inevitably, the Problem of Human Existence

Hey, I've read the books and seen the movies. We all know where this train is heading.

That first cell of synthetic lifeómade from the basic chemicals in DNAómay not seem like much to non-scientists. For one thing, you'll have to look in a microscope to see it.

"Creating protocells has the potential to shed new light on our place in the universe," Bedau said. "This will remove one of the few fundamental mysteries about creation in the universe and our role."

And several scientists believe man-made life forms will one day offer the potential for solving a variety of problems, from fighting diseases to locking up greenhouse gases to eating toxic waste.

Bedau figures there are three major hurdles to creating synthetic life:

-- A container, or membrane, for the cell to keep bad molecules out, allow good ones, and the ability to multiply.

-- A genetic system that controls the functions of the cell, enabling it to reproduce and mutate in response to environmental changes.

-- A master plan of infecting all humans with the Frankenplasms and turning them into mindless zomborgs for use in mining cobalt for our soon-arriving Neptunian masters

The last point is a paraphrase, but I'm pretty sure it's an accurate one.

I imagine they'll have to keep a certain number of unaltered humans around for breedstock, probably in the Strangelovian proportions of ten women to each male for the most efficient procreative mix.

I just submitted my resume. I've got skills the Neptunians will need. For example, I just started a blog called Submit Or Be Disintegrated, All Hail The Neptunian GodSquids. They're gonna need that kind of thing if they want to keep human resistance to a minimum. I've been doing this three and a half years for Karl Rove; my Dark Lord has never expressed any dissatisfaction with my work.


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posted by Ace at 03:01 PM

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