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August 08, 2007

FINALLY! The Roseanne Barr Sex Tape

People are still having sex.

But I fear that won't continue.

I suspect a publicity stunt by Roseanne, who needs all the publicity she can get. Pretty much any celebrity reduced to blogging for exposure is in trouble. (That link isn't to Roseanne's blog, by the way, but the AoSHQ-approved The New Editor.)

Who always wants to video tape sex? Dudes.

Why? To show their friends, of course.

Now, I ask you:

Who could possibly have wanted to videotape themselves committing a crime against God and nature?

What, there's some guy out there who gets his jollies by showing his friends this? "Now, look what happens next. Right here -- when I've got her up on all fours -- I'm pretty sure you can hear the Archangel Gabriel howling in pain. Yeah, right there. Look, you can see my breath suddenly plume from the cold. It's as if all life and light had suddenly abandoned the room."

She's offering $25,000 to get the missing tape back -- but, horrifically, she's willing to make a deal for distribution rights.

At that very moment in a Langley sub-basement, where CIA interrogators were hidden away from the decent world, an unconstitutional and vile scheme was hatched.

Pwnd! Well, not exactly. I thought it was a publicity stunt. It's not, but it seems to be an inside joke. IreneFingIrene tells me:

I think she was kidding. An intern had posted some "humorous" stuff on her MySpace page without her knowledge. That intern was fired. Roseanne took the opportunity to "continue" the joke.

Such a relief. For a moment there I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices had all cried out and then... silence.

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posted by Ace at 07:10 PM

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