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« "Patriot" Games: Murtha Takes Earmarking To Whole New Level As He Tries To Put Vital No-Fly Terrorist Watch List In Hands of Incompetent Home-District Office | Main | Another Parody »
June 14, 2007

Every Red Eye Episode...Evah!

If you are like me (and, God willing, you aren't) you just can't get enough of the television experience that is "Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld". It's like stalking hobos for sexual release: you just can't stop after enjoying it once.

So, assuming you are like me, you worry that you might miss an episode! After all, with it's 2:00 AM EST time slot, and the ever changing seasonal migration of the homeless to the local Greyhound station, it is not always possible to stay up to watch it.

To allay this concern, I have consolidated a handy-dandy "transcript" of an episode that never actually aired so that, should you accidentally miss an episode, you can still get your "fake but accurate" fix. From the Gut's "Geraldo Rivera" like BOOMING VOICE to the incredible androgenous sexual tension between Bill and Greg and the incredible vapidity of D-list guests like Samantha Judge, all your favorite "Red Eye" moments are here.

I hope this provides you with as much comfort as it has provided me on those nights when the cable is out and the hobos are too fast.

Roll Credits.


Greg Gutfeld: Did you hear the story about the pig born with 6 Legs and 2 Penises? No? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Never mind...you will when Red Eye starts which will happen as soon as Bill removes his hand from my pants. NOT YET! NOT YET! NOW!!!!

(Theme Song Plays)

Greg Gutfeld: Hello and welcome to Red Eye! Before we begin I'd like to introduce you to my guests: in the studio we have One of Any Number of Hot Fox News broadcasting babes, Bill Schulz, and Reason Magazine's Kerry Howley.

Bill Schulz: I'm undressing you with my eyes.

Greg Gutfeld: That both terrifies and THRILLS ME!

Greg Gutfeld: Via satellite we have the DELIGHTFUL Radio Gossip Guru from Maxim, Samantha Judge.

Samantha Judge: Hi Greg!

Greg Gutfeld: And also via satellite is former British S.A.S man, Kevin Godlington. I don't know what S.A.S. means BUT I KNOW YOU CAN"T SPELL SASSY WITHOUT IT. And sassy you are!

Kevin Godlington: Cheers, mate.

Greg Gutfeld: On to our top story: A pig was born in Croatia with 6 legs and two penises. The locals have named it "Octopig". I ask you, Samantha Judge, isn't that giving the pig's extra appendages a little too much credit?

Samantha Judge: Well, some women (*wink* *wink*) decide on dating guys based on the size of their thumbs, so no, I think that if the little pig has been blessed more power to him.

Greg Gutfeld: Doesn't "Octopig" betray a startling lack of imagination on the part of the Croations? Couldn't they have chosen a much better name? I ask you, One of any number of Hot Fox News babes?

One of Any Number of Hot Fox News Babes: A pig with 6 legs and 2 penises? What else could they call it? Bill Clinton's been taken.

Greg Gutfeld: Bill, I know this is a story that you have some thoughts on.

Bill Schulz: Yes, Greg. It's taken me a while, but I finally know which "furry" I want to be.

Greg Gutfeld: That is HIGHLY DISTURBING. And yet, I FEEL CLOSER TO YOU NOW THAN EVER BEFORE!

We have to take a break...when we come back we will discuss THIS STORY: Something's fishy in Florida. What, you ask? I don't know but I think it involves dolphins, or as I like to call them, THE JACKBOOTED NAZIS OF THE BRINY DEEP.

(Commercial Break) Head On! Head ON! Activ On! Activ On!

Greg Gutfeld: So this story out of Florida struck me as amusing. Apparently a woman in Florida suffered a ruptured spleen and lost three fingers after she was attacked by a leaping sturgeon. Kerry Howley, do you agree with me that this signals a WAR ON WOMEN spurred, in large part, because sturgeons HATE OUR FREEDOMS?

Kerry Howley: Yeah, Greg. I totally agree. But the real problem is that American Fishermen don't follow a non-interventionist hunting policy. You drop a worm in the water, you gotta expect a little blowback.

Greg Gutfeld: Interesting take. Kevin Godlington, you look like a man whose worm has been dipped in a lake or two in its day, what do you think?

Kevin Godlington: I think that I might very well be the last straight man in all of England. And that Samantha Judge is a silly bint.

Samantha Judge: Hey! Look, Greg, I know the official story is that this so-called "sturgeon" did something never before done in the history of fishing by supposedly flying through the air and injuring this woman. But the truth be told, I don't think we will ever know exactly what happened on that day.

Kevin Godlington: I rest my case.

Greg Gutfeld: AND A VERY EXPENSIVE CASE IT IS! I don't even know what that means. We'll be back after the break with the Halftime Report, and later, MY MOM!

(Commercial Break) Head On! Head On! Activ On! Activ On!

Greg Gutfeld: We are now 30 minutes into the show and it's time to welcome Red Eye's Ombudsmen, Andrew Levy. Hello, you bronzed adonis!

Andrew Levy: Hi.

Andrew Levy: Let's see..Naming a Pig Born with 6 legs and two penises...I would have gone with "Masturbacon" myself. In related news, all these years of telling my girlfriends that penis really is "the other white meat" seems to have finally paid off.

Greg Gutfeld: That's pretty good.

Andrew Levy: Oh, and Greg. You pronounced it "Croations". It's "Croatians."

Andrew Levy: Let's see, Samantha, you said that women judge a man's dateworthiness based on the size of the man's thumbs.

Samantha Judge: (Empty Vacuous Stare)

Andrew Levy: (Covering Hands) I just want to state for the record that I have always maintained that the air conditioning in this studio is set too low.

Samantha Judge: What? I don't get it.

Andrew Levy: No surprise. Kerry Howley, "if you drop a worm in the water you gotta expect a little blowback". And if I dropped a "roach" on my floor, I'd expect to be holding the 2008 Libertarian Presidential Convention in my living room.

Greg Gutfeld: That it?

Andrew Levy: I'm done.

Greg Gutfeld: See you later in the show. MAYBE.

Greg Gutfeld: After the break....MY MOM.

(Commercial Break) Head On! Head On! Activ On! Activ On!

Greg Gutfeld: What do Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Courtney Love have in common? If you said "the same dealer", I say "SHAME ON YOU" and "DO YOU HAVE HIS NUMBER?"

Greg Gutfeld: Now it's time to turn to Fox News Senior Correspondent, my MOM! Hi Mom!

Mrs. Gutfeld: Oh, hello dear!

Greg Gutfeld: Did you see anything on the news today?

Mrs. Gutfeld: Oh my, yes. Did you see that horrible story about the woman who dies in the hospital when 911 wouldnt help her?

Greg Gutfeld: Was she a stripper?

Mrs. Gutfeld: Why, heavens, no, I don't think so.

Greg Gutfeld: THEN YOU KNOW I DIDN'T SEE IT! Anyway, Mom, what happened?

Mrs. Gutfeld: Well this woman was sick, I don't know what her problem was, if they said it I didn't catch it, but it seemed to be something fairly common, I think, although I could be wrong and she went to the hospital emergency room, because doctors don't come to your house anymore like they used to, and I think that's a real shame because doctors don't know their patients anymore, and anyway....

(Camera Shot of Greg Gutfeld and the contributors at the table laughing at the rambling nature of the story)

the woman, poor thing, was in some distress and her husband, bless his heart, tried to get her help by calling 911 on his cell phone and he got through but the person who answered the call wouldn't help him, or her, because they were already at the hospital.

Greg Gutfeld: That's a real Catch-22, isn't it mom?

Mrs. Gutfeld: I already told you, I don't know if she had something you could catch or not.

Greg Gutfeld: All right Mom. I'll call you tomorrow. Thanks for the update.

Mrs. Gutfeld: Good night! Be good!

Greg Gutfeld: After these messages we will discuss this pressing issue: what's 18 inches long and scares a Welsh farmer? I'll give you a hint. Bill KEEPS IT IN HIS PANTS!

(Commercial Break) Head On! Head on! Activ On! Activ On!

Greg Gutfeld: This is a fun story: a farmer in Wales was startled to find an 18 inch long iguana in one of his hedges. What does this say about Welsh men, that they cower in front of such a harmless reptile? I ask you, Kevin Godlington.

Kevin Godlington: Mate, he's from Wales. He ought to be thankful he didn't find something 18 inches long inside his underage daughter.

Greg Gutfeld: He has nothing to fear on that front. I'VE NEVER BEEN TO WALES. ALLEGEDLY. One of Any Number of Hot Fox News broadcasting babes, have you ever been to Wales?

One of Any Number of Hot Fox news Broadcasting Babes: Where the men are men and the sheep are scared? I think Kevin's got it all wrong. It's the sheep who are the most likely candidates to find something 18 inches long inside them...

Bill Schulz: (Interrupting) Unless I get there first!

Greg Gutfeld: That's SICK PEOPLE. SICK and TWISTED and WRONG.

Greg Gutfeld: Speaking of sick and twisted and wrong, geez what a great segue, as you know I draw the news. As you see here (holding a crudely drawn sketch of something vaguely resembling a 6 legged 2 penised unicorn dryhumping a Welsh farmer while Fluffy McNutter stands in the background with a broken heart) this picture will be sent to the person who e-mails me with the best title.

Greg Gutfeld: After the break, I will attempt to READ YOUR EMAILS! I hope you all come from small towns...the big names CONFUSE AND CONFOUND me.

(Commercial Break) Head on! Head On! Activ On! Activ On!

Greg Gutfeld: Now it's time to read your letters. Terry W. from Juneau, Alaska writes: "Your show could suck a tennis ball thru a garden hose!"

Greg Gutfeld: That's so true. And for an encore it can tie a cherry stem into a knot using only it's tongue.

Greg Gutfeld: George P. from Pascagoula, Mississippi writes: "Is it true that Gilbert Gottfried is going to play Greg in 'Red Eye: The Movie'."?

Greg Gutfeld: Alex K. from Vancouver, British Columbia writes: "Whatever happened to that hottie Rachel Marsden"?

Greg Gutfeld: I dunno. But she now has your name and hometown. BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.

Greg Gutfeld: And people, we are all out of time. Thank you to my guests, and remember. DONT DO DRUGS.

Closing Credits.

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