Today is "Cinco de Mayo"

Or as American citizens call it: May the Fifth.

Apparently, it's a big Mexican holiday. I think it commemorates some Mexican military victory over the French. If I remember my history right, the French army surrendered to Speedy Gonzalez. Or something. I don't really care about either French or Mexican history.

But don't think that my lack of enthusiasm for May the Fifth means that I don't have annual traditions when the date arrives.

In point of fact, I do. And I'll share them with you.

1) The first thing I do is call the Immigration and Naturalization Service and tip them that every Mexican restaurant in town is owned and operated by illegal aliens. Then I sit on my balcony and drink beer while the vans pull up outside. It's important to have a good view of the festivities.

One thing I have learned over the years, though. If you plan to eat at said restaurant, make sure you let "Paco" know that your order is "to go". It's a real pain in the ass trying to outrun your waiter.

2) The second thing I do is set my DVR to record Lou Dobbs' show for later viewing. I only watch it once a year. So why not today?

3) I then e-mail FoxNews and send an expletive filled message demanding that they cancel their association with Geraldo Rivera. Yes, I would do this even if it wasn't the 5th of May, but I wouldn't use as many exclamation points.

See...the whole joke here is that Mexicans put upside down exclamation points ahead of sentences that end in regular exclamation points...aww, screw it.

4) I then go out and rent "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre" and when "Gold Hat" tells Bogie that he "dont need no stinking badges" I pause the movie and in my best Bogart voice say "Maybe not...but you do need to go thru customs, kid. And make sure you have your passport ready for inspection." I then resume the movie.

On the rare occasion when I have had a date for the 5th of May, the date usually ends right about here.

5) If the weather permits, I stand outside and protest grocery stores that carry "El Paso" brand picante sauce because I ain't about to go to a small Texas town to fall in love with some Mexican girl. Unless she's in the country legally. And she's of age. And she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones in Zorro. Or any combination of 2 out of the preceding 3.

6) Just for kicks, I like to call the Mexican Embassy and tell them that Ace has possession of General Santa Anna's leg. That prank just never gets old. Does it, Ace?

7) I also like to stand outside Shea Stadium if Pedro Martinez happens to be pitching, and yell "Reconquista This!" at the tops of my lungs while pointing to my crotch.

I'm pretty sure he isn't Mexican, but I'm not taking any chances!

8) Finally, I wrap up the day's fun by going to the most ritzy French restaurant in town and saying "You lost to...Mexico. Mexico." Then I just laugh and laugh and laugh.

So, that's pretty much how I celebrate May the Fifth. Do you morons have your own annual traditions? If so, let me know what they are and maybe I'll incorporate them into next year's festivities.

posted by Jack M. at 01:22 PM

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