ABC News is having a Goregasm...

and is doing so for all to see. Isn't this a violation of public indecency laws?

Anyway, ABC News has published an opinion piece today from some blogger I never heard of polishing the knob of a man I wish I had never heard of. (Damnable prepositions..I will not rewrite my sentence. You don't own me!)

Check out these laugh a minute excerpts from Ostroy's article:

Make no mistake: Former Vice President Al Gore will be our next president.

Make no mistake...this should clue you in as to how deluded this editorialist is.

I am as confident about that assertion as I am that George W. Bush will go down in history as America's worst president ever.

Really? Worst. President. EVAH? Finally, Andrew Johnson can catch a break. And is that the sound of a sigh I hear eminating from Plains, Georgia?

Make no mistake...I think this guy's attention span and sense of historical perspective is probably limited to whatever was on before the last commercial break on "Oxygen". Or "E". Whatever is gayer.

At Sunday's Oscar ceremony, Gore took home the coveted prize for best feature documentary for "An Inconvenient Truth," his scorching red-flag raiser on global warming.

Quick, America! Name 3 people (and I'll spot you Gore and Michael Moore) who have ever won the "best feature documentary".

Make no mistake...you probably can't.

Hardly a barometer for guaging public popularity, I would say.

On stage he was graceful, poised and presidential. And it didn't hurt his hipness quotient any to be getting a little Leo DiCaprio love either. That's right, Al Gore is suddenly cool.

Umm...on stage he was also very, very, large. Ginormous, even. Are the Taft bathtubs still in the White House?

And since when is being associated with Leo DiCaprio cool?

Make no mistake...when people's fondest recollection of your biggest movie role is seeing you drown in a field of icebergs and ship debris, your "hip" factor is probably pretty low.

Except to 12 year old girls, I suppose. Or Andy Ostroy.

It gets even better.

Umm..not really.

In October, Gore will also likely be the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize for being the planet's biggest advocate in the fight against climate change. His prestigious nomination in this exclusive club puts him in the company of such independent thinkers, statesmen and activists as Dr. Martin Luther King, President Jimmy Carter, Elie Wiesel and Mother Theresa.

And Yasser Arafat. You wouldn't want to leave out the mass murdering, anti-Israel, terrorist leader. Might diminish your award a little.

Oh wait...you did include mass-murdering, anti-Israel, terrorist leader, apologiser Jimmuh Carter. So, I guess it was diminished by your list.

My bad.

Now let's talk chops. Gore's an enlisted Vietnam vet...

Make no mistake...Al Gore served his country bravely as a Stars and Stripes reporter who was assigned personal bodyguards by his Senator father. Just like all those other GI's.

Hell...even John Kerry didn't have personal bodyguards on his three month tour of duty in the 'Nam. So, thanks for being the only veteran alive who makes Kerry look positively butch, Al!

...who served four terms in the U.S. House of Representatives, two terms in the Senate, and eight years as vice president in one of the most successful administrations ever...

Most successful administrations EVAH?

Make no mistake...besides raising a lot of money in Buddhist Temples, what exactly was Al Gore's biggest accomplishment in the Clinton Administration? Was it not getting impeached, or not getting indicted?

...Let's not forget that he won the popular vote in 2000, and as many say, the Electoral College as well.

Ahhh..Florida 2000 much?

Make no mistake...many say Ostroy writes like a BDS-addled douchenozzle. I guess that means it's a valid criticism.

So wait, he's hip, he's brilliant, he's highly experienced.

You do realize this column is about Al Gore, don't you?

Must be that whole attention span issue I noticed earlier.

I even have the perfect campaign slogan for Gore: "Imagine how it would've been."

Heh...John Lennon as political campaign spinmeister. Is there anything he couldn't do? Besides duck.

I think I'm going to take a page from Ostroy's book and imagine I didn't read his ridiculous article.

After all...this kind of ankles-grabbing punditry is much more suitable for, I dunno, Wonkette's site, I think.

Then again, I think she does get more hits than ABC News, so that may explain why they ran this abomination.

posted by Jack M. at 02:54 PM

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