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February 27, 2007

A Beautiful Mind: The Pam Anderson Blog

Hollowpoint tips me to this. Her explanation about her sheepskin Uggs:

I'm getting rid of our Uggs - I feel so guilty for that craze being started around Baywatch days - I used to wear them with my red swim suit to keep warm - never realizing that they were SKIN! I thought they were shaved kindly?

Hollowpoint writes:

WTF? Is she saying that she thought "sheepskin" (the most descriptive term EVER) actually meant "wool"? Did she think there was a humane way to skin a live sheep?

Maybe she just thought they waxed the skin off them, then let the sheep, now gleaming wet and red with exposed viscera, "kindly" grow their skins back.

I know one thing: It would be hard as hell to administer a Voigt-Kampff Empathy Test on Pamela. She'd keep testing false-positive as an android.

DEKKARD: A boy shows you his butterfly collection, the butterflies' wings pinioned out by sharp pins.

PAM ANDERSON: Awwwww!!! I love butterfiles!

DEKKARD (checking equipment): That's weird... no reaction at all. Even Nexus-3's showed some delayed response.... anyway:
You see a puppy by the side of the road. It's been hit by a car, and it lays twitching in a pool of its own blood.

PAM ANDERSON: Puppies are cute! Can I keep him?!!

DEKKARD: Please wait for the end of the prompt. The pupy dies in your arms.

PAM ANDERSON: You're not going to let me keep him, are you? I can tell from your tone. You're not a nice man.

DEKKARD (tapping retinal scanner): Is this thing on?
Continuing: You're sitting in your den when a beautiful woman comes in and takes off all of her clothes. She walks up and embraces you, kissing you hard on the mouth.

PAM ANDERSON: Is this test to determine if I'm an android, Mr. Dekkard, or a lesbian?

DEKKARD: Actually that wasn't really a question. I was just kind of thinking out loud for a moment.

PAM ANDERSON: Well, if that happened, I guess I'd make out with her for a while. And then, maybe, spank her ass with my enormous breasts?

(Dekkard stares at her in glassy-eyed lust)

PAM ANDERSON: Is that the right answer?

DEKKARD: Ahem. Yeah. Uh. It's an, um, acceptable response. Back to the test:
You're in a moutain cabin when a tortoise crawls in from outside, and then dies.

PAM ANDERSON: What's a "tortoise"?

DEKKARD: It's, uhh, like a turtle.

PAM ANDERSON: Oh... What's a "turtle"?

DEKKARD: Oh, forget it. I can't tell if you're a replicant or just a retard. The V-K just doesn't seem to be picking up any readings from your brain.

PAM ANDERSON: Oh. What's a "brain"?

DEKKARD: Let's go back to that question about the naked woman kissing you. That seemed like something we should explore further.

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posted by Ace at 03:56 PM

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