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December 31, 2006

Predictions For 2007

National Review's got 'em. Dave at Garfield Ridge's got 'em. And now so do I.

In no particular order:

The release of Spiderman 3 is beset by controversy when Sam Raimi includes a scene in which a fight between Spiderman and Hobgoblin devolves from punches, to shoves, and finally ends with five minutes of slow, deep kissing.

Buoyed by the success of his reality-denying Holocaust Conference, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lays plans for his “Timothy Dalton is the Definitive James Bond” conference.

Mitt Romney’s hopes for a run at the presidency are crushed when reporters reveal that, in addition to being a Mormon, he is also a centaur.

In response to falling ratings for the yearly Oscar telecast, the Academy decides to award adult films for the first time. Viewers tune in in record numbers to see who wins the trophies for categories like “Best Use of a Ball Gag in a Gay DOM/SUB Film” and “Most Convincing Portrayal of a Cheerleader’s Trip to the Equipment Room”.

Sean Hannity’s on-air domination of Alan Colmes continues with a new nightly segment entitled “Make Me a Sandwich, Alan”.

Proving that he’s still his own worst enemy, John Kerry attends a Halloween party dressed as a blackface minstrel and is caught on camera singing the racist folksong “Possum Up A Gum Tree”. He later explains the incident by saying that “such stereotypes are often revered folk heroes for many in the African-American community, and I was merely paying tribute to that.” He then adds, “And Mel Gibson was right about the Jews”. Jane Hamsher immediately rushes to explain that the costume and quotes need to be taken “in context”.

On Christmas Eve, Dick Cheney is visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Before they can teach him any valuable moral lessons, however, he bums a twenty from them, snorts a line of blow, and sends the Ghost of Christmas Past back out to procure an underage Ukrainian prostitute and a pack of smokes for him. The other two are forced to stay and service his wife while he watches. It is generally agreed by all involved that this is the Best Christmas Ever.

Happy New Year, morons.

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posted by AndrewR at 10:30 AM

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