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September 12, 2006

Two of Armstrong's former team mates admit to doping [Dave in Texas]

This is serious.

Michael Collins was the first to change his story.

"Hey, I figured it would be cool. Buzz and Neil were gonna be gone for a few days, I had the whole pad to myself, I thought 'What the hell? Fire one up dude'! Then I remembered I was in a pure oxygen environment so I grabbed me a handfull of goofballs and some Tang™".

Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin was the next to admit he had violated NASA's rules regarding controlled substances and the first ever moon landing.

"I was trying to talk em into lettin me out the door first. And Mr. Hardass from Ohio was giving me the 'we go by the book' bullshit. I swear that dude was so uptight you couldn't get a knitting needle up his sphincter. Dickhead. Total dickhead. So I capped a mushroom and washed it down with some of that green pasty 'number leven' gunk, Christ that stuff was awful".

And so it went. For the next 12 hours, two of the three critical members of Neil Armstrong's Apollo 11 team were so messed up they couldn't tell which way was up. Not even looking at that floaty ball thing that's half black and half white, like Frank Gorshin was in that Star Trek episode about racism.

"Buzz was a complete waste" Armstrong recalled. "At one point he was just staring at the flag, and I waved my glove in front of his face saying 'Buzz.. Buzz'? And he just started giggling like a retard and did that 'moon prancing' thing he loved so much... gibbering something about 'velcro! that's the ticket! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAAA'! Moron.

NASA officials, still reeling from the "lost recordings" controversy, responded to the news with dismay, but tried to paint a positive picture.

"Dude. It was like, the 60s. You've heard of them? The 60s? I still remember hearing about Kranz lighting up before the 13 mission. Hell he was singing show tunes when the center engine on the third stage crapped out", recalled mission specialist Lynn Taggert.

NASA officials admit there's little they can do now except acknowledge a painful and embarrassing episode from the past, and look to the future.


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posted by Ace at 08:23 PM

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