Johnny Coldcuts' College Football Picks [Johnny M. Coldcuts]

Alright, you dirty sons of pigfuckers, and you slutty skanks who blow them, I'm back. But it's not because I like you, or even want to spend the precious time it takes to stick the proper opinion up your ass. Truth is, I need bail money. Who knew you couldn't beat down a thai tranny to get your money back? Seems like I'm the victim here after all.

Anyway, to get my money to pay off the powers that be I'm going to have to resort to what I do best. No, not collecting and selling my sperm. That's my hobby. I'm talking about the other thing I do best. Gambling.

That's right. I, Johnny F'n Coldcuts am gonna let you morons in on my picks for Saturday's Top 25 action. Against the spread, even. Cause that's how I roll. And I know you retards are too stupid to figure out how point spreads work on your own, anyway.

So in the extended entry you will find my picks. I know I don't need to remind you degenerates that I come from the future, so I already know the results of these games. Ignore me at your peril, nancy.

To the picks! The football picks I mean. Jeez..I say picks and half of you start rooting around your 501's for dingleberries. Has there ever been a more motley collection of freakin' paint huffin' juiceboxes gathered in the comments section of a blog? I don't think so. Anyway...pay attention 'tards.

UPDATE: I changed the freakin' timestamp to bump the post to the top so you morons could play along at home by comparing my picks to the actual scores. Or is that too complicated for you slack-jawed daffodils?

1. Ohio State (-17) vs. No. Illinois: The #1 ranked Fuckeyes play the Huskies. The Huskies? That's a mascot? Sounds like a school full of fat assed lard buckets to me. Take the Fuckeyes and lay the points.

2. Notre Dame (-7) vs. Georgia Tech: Let's see...Mel Gibson's favorite team vs the Ramblin' Wreck. Take the polished knobs...I mean the Golden Domers and lay the points.

3. Texas (-41) vs North Texas: The Longhorns (umm...are you losers in Austin compensating much?) against the....Mean Green??? If this was Mean Joe Greene, I'd maybe give them a chance. As it is, Take UT Austin and lay the points. Or as they say around campus...Take UT and Spot Jenna's wide spread.

4. Auburn (-14.5) vs Washington State: Let's see...Auburn hasn't won a national championship since the NCAA sanctioned "Cow Tipping" and "Animal Husbandry" as Division I sports, and Washington State produced Ryan Leaf. Take Auburn's War Tigers, or whatever the fuck their mascot is these days, and lay the points.

5. West Virginia (-22) vs Marshall: Before this game is over, Marshall will be wishing it was this years team that suffered the airplane crash. Yeah, that joke is in bad taste. Eat me, pansies. Take the West Virginian Inbreds and lay the 22.

6. Southern Cal (-8) at Arkansas: Condoms vs Bill Clinton's favorite team. Now that's a matchup I could get excited about. If I wore condoms or gave a flying fuck about Bill Clinton. Take USC and give the Gayzorbacks the 8.

7. Florida (-20) against Southern Mississippi: The Gators take on the Golden Eagles in what will surely be the most exciting thing to happen in Gainesville since that serial killer was on the loose down there. Actually, the excitement will only last for about 8 minutes, in which florida will score 17 points on their way to a rout. Take the Gaytards and lay the 20.

8. LSU (-30.5) against Louisiana-Lafayette: If you are like me, everytime you see Katrina footage you ask yourself one thing: why, oh why, couldn't that freakin' storm have hit Baton Rouge instead. Seriously, has anything good, besides I-10, ever come out of LSU? That being said, the Bayou Bengirls should have more than enough juice to run over the Laffers. Take LSU and lay the points.

9. California (-1.5) vs. Tennessee: Geez...Berkeley's team against the Volunqueers. I suppose the only thing more annoying that having a good football team in Berkeley is having to hear the repeated strains of the UT Band playing Cocky Top over and over. Take the Golden Bearbacks and lay the 1.5.

10. Oklahoma (-21.5) against UAB: PAY CLOSE ATTENTION 'TARDS! I'm actually taking the UAB Blazers plus the 21.5 in this contest. You heard me, Sooner Nation. Get used to the following word: O-V-E-R-R-A-T-E-D. Or as it's spelled in Norman, U-S.

11. Michigan (-25.5) against Vanderbilt: Have the Commordores ever won a game played north of the Mason-Dixon line? For that matter, have they ever won one played south of the Mason-Dixon line either? In any event, take the Wolverines and lay the points.

12. Georgia (No-Line) vs. Western Kentucky: Even though the Georgia Cheer of "Hunker Down you Silver Britches" sounds like a pick up line Truman Capote would have used on Andy Warhol at Studio 54, the Bulldogs will spank the Hilltoppers. Which is funny, because I'm pretty sure Capote would have spanked Warhol too, if given a chance.

13. Iowa (No-Line) against Montana: Hawkeye's. He always was the most underrated member of the West Coast Avengers. (And the fact that Alan Alda played a character of the same name will NOT enter this discussion, you free love, give peace a chance, bra-burning, feministas.)

14. Virginia Tech (No-Line) over Northeastern: Here is a life lesson for you kids. You know why they name schools after points on a compass? Because the stoners and morons who comprise there student body and the failed academics that comprise their faculty couldnt find the campus any other way. Take the Va. Tech Hokies.

15. Clemson(-34) vs. Florida Atlantic: Remember what I said about directional schools. The dumbasses at Florida Atlantic had to get even more specific, by providing the State name and the proper coast! Take Clemson and give FAU the 34. They probably can't count that high anyway.

16. Penn State (-17) at Akron: The Nittany Lions, helmed by 135 year old coach Joe Paterno, take on a school that once hired Gerry Faust. Take the residents of Happy Valley, PA (wasn't that a movie and a TV show with Barbara Eden?) and give the Zips the 17.

17. Nebraska (-21.5) against Louisiana Tech: Jesus, how many lousy football teams does the state of Louisiana have, anyway? Take the Cornfuckers and feel free to give up to 28 points if you like to La.Tech.

18. Oregon (-11.5) vs Stanford: The Fucks take on a Color. Give me a fuckin' break. The Cardinal? I'm supposed to get excited that my teams mascot is a pussy shade of red? Why don't you just rename the team the "Stanford Chartreuse" and get it over with. Take OU and lay the points.

19. Texas Tech (-26.5) vs SMU: A lot of "professional gamblers" like the SMU Ponies and the points. The majority of "professional gamblers" are usually wrong, which is why they never make enough money to get out of their soul destroying "profession". Besides..about the only team a school full of Methodists is tough enough to beat is a school full of Jesuits. Take the Texas Tech Ass Rapers and spot the 26.5.

20. Louisville (-22.5) vs Kentucky: Louisville wins. But they don't cover. Later in the evening, moonbat Ashley Judd attends an "afterparty" and pronounces it "the greatest moral victory in Kentucky's football history." Take Kentucky plus the points.

21. TCU (-7) at Baylor: The Horny Frogs play....a school full of Jesuits. Or is it Baptists? I can't remember...they suck either way. Take the TCU Horny Frogs and spot the points.

22. Miami (-3) against Florida State: Speaking of 135 year old head coaches, Bobby Bowden leads his Semen-holes into battle against the convicts, drug dealers, and Miami Vice rejects that reside on the South Beach. Since Bowden always loses this game by a field goal anyway, take FSU and the 3.

There you have it. Bet accordingly. And hit the tip jar, would ya? You think I give it up for free??? I got's to feed my shorties and keep my baby mommas in new shoes and val-u-rite vodka smoothies.

Peace out. Suckers.

posted by Ace at 12:55 PM

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