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Irony & Pathos A Go Go | Main | Mon Dieu! French Intel Agents Questioned Terrorists... At Gitmo
July 07, 2006

Deb Frisch's Final Exam

Deborah Frisch
Adjunct Professor of Psychology
Psychology of Risk Assessment & Decisionmaking
Final Exam

You have one hour to complete this exam. Please mark your answers cleanly with either a #2 pencil or a mixture of human blood and animal feces.

1) A rational actor is offered one of two investment schemes. The first pays 5% profit per year with no risk. The second pays 20% per year with a 5% risk of catastrophic loss each year. Which investment scheme should a rational actor choose?

a) the low-profit, no-risk scheme

b) the high-risk, high-profit scheme

c) it depends upon the marginal utility the actor assigns to the higher profit

d) sinister lobsters from the dark dimension are gnawing through my eardrums

2) Two rational actors are involved in a business dispute. Failure on either's part to compromise will result in a loss. However, compromising too much will result in suboptimal results for each. What strategy should each actor choose?

a) Both should seek compromise, to avoid a loss

b) Both should seek to maximize personal optimal gain, even though this risks a loss

c) Both should seek tit-for-tat compromise and reassurance from the other, to insure maximum gain while limiting the risk of total loss

d) Sometimes I dream about Walt Disney's cryonically frozen head kissing me on my no-no special place while Goofy and Pluto restrain me with leather straps

3) You disagree with another professor who maintains an online blog. What is the highest-reward, lowest-risk strategy for dealing with such a person?

a) Engage him in substantive discourse to prove he's wrong

b) Adopt a flippant tone while glibly tweaking him

c) Expose his errors on your own blog in hopes that he can be made to understand his errors

d) Have you ever noticed that K-Mart sells shotguns, shovels, and quicklime, all in one place? People rip on K-Mart, but really, you can't beat the convenience, folks.

4) You strongly suspect your pinkies have been replaced by animatronic spy-modules by cybernetic puppet-creatures controlled by the evil aliens known as the "Rhodians." These false finger-probes report your every move to the Rhodian StarMasters, and have been keeping tabs on you since a dozen of their rape-robots repeatedly violated you during your "missing years." As a rational actor, do you...?

a) Cut off your pinkies to prove they're insectlike cyber-implants, no matter what your FUCKING QUACK RACIST ASSHOLE OF A SHRINK might think

b) Go about your daily life as normal, but never say something you wouldn't want the Rhodians to hear unless your hands are submerged in sink or bathwater, in order to block the transmissions (Note: this may require bathing/hand-washing up to 40 times per day)

c) Strangle your neighbor's cat. Mr. Frisky's probably in on it too. Can't be too careful.

d) Ohgodchrist. They're watching. They're watching RIGHT NOW. They're all... they're all Rhodians! Everyfuckingone of them!

Put your pencils down.


I'm sorry... my pinkies made me say that.

Update: Not Just A Woman Of Science, But A Poet-Born As Well: Steve baited me into reading the woman's vile, Vogonesque poetry.

Let's just say she makes Rosie O'Donnell's poetry look sophisticated and nuanced.

Most of it is patterned after the childish schemes of Dr. Suess. It has that da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da quality of truly amateur, childish poets.

The other thing is that it's repetitive. There are multiple poems about Uncle Sam and his "scams," plus a multiple poems about Bush reading My Pet Goat as 9/11 happened.

It's worth a read, I guess.

Here's one, untitled by the author.

When I wake up, the first thing I do
as soon as my feet hit the floor
Is turn on and log on 'Oh goodie!' I say.
I think that I will blog some more.

Some people bike and some people jog
Me I just sit all day long and I blog.
Some go to lakes and relax with the frogs
Me I go visiting at other blogs.

That's crazy! you say. It is bad for your health
And it isn't too useful to increase your wealth.
And it's not good to spend so much time by yourself!
Your laptop should right now be put on your shelf!

I think I will go now and spend time outside
On my fine Trek, I will take a ride.
And when I come back and sit down inside
Maybe I will be a little less snide.

May I be so bold as to suggest a title? I think this poem should be called, A Desperate Cry For Help From A Woman Teetering On The Edge Of A Schizophrenic Break. I think that's got some "zip" to it.

She calls this one "Scam I Am." I am retitling it as well, to give it some additional "oomph."

I do not like you Uncle Sam.
I think you're the king of scam.

Was it right
To go to 'Nam?
What do YOU think
Uncle Sam?

I am sure
that it was right
The Communists
Started the fight.

Is it right?
Bush War 2?
Uncle Sam
I ask of you.

I am sure
That it is right
The terrorists
Started the fight.

That's not true
It was begun
Long ago in
Bush War 1.

I do not like
To talk of this
If you go on
Off me you'll piss.

Now listen, Sam
You work for me
And off I'm pissed, now
Yes sirree.

"Off me you'll piss," just to get that delicious rhyme with "this."

I'm titling this one: Exhibit Number Three In State's Motion For Involuntary Confinement To A Psychiatric Care Facility

Apologies to Jane Hamsher, once again, for lifting a lefty's "intellectual property."

There you go, Steve. Any more tips?

digg this
posted by Ace at 02:17 AM

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