Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!





Recent Entries
I... Ummm... Okay | Main | Thanks, But No More Photoshops!
May 31, 2006

A Very Special Message From Carson Palmer

palmer2.jpg

Carson Palmer practicing the cornhole as a USC Trojan.

Hi, folks. Carson Palmer here.

I'd like to talk a little bit about Lighthouse Youth Services. Lighthouse Youth Services is a great charitable organization, serving the state of Ohio since 1959. They've done a lot of great work with at-risk kids.

And they need your help.

That's why I began the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic. It's a great way to help out Lighthouse Youth Services and build community spirit.

Lighthouse gets a nice donation from me some of my NFL friends, and of course our corporate sponsors.

You and your kids get to meet me and other NFL All Stars. And there's free food, drinks, giveaways, and contests.

And we get to cornhole your children.

Everybody wins.

Now, we all know that kids love the cornhole. Especially Ohio kids, for some reason. Who knows why. Maybe we're all just lucky.

Some of you parents may have a problem with the cornhole. Maybe you're trying to protect them from the so-called "cornhole lifestyle." Maybe you're just worried they might be one of those kids that gets hooked on cornhole.

Maybe you're just a big buzzkill and a pill.

Who knows.

But the point is-- let's be honest here, huh? Your kids want the cornhole. And even if they don't want the cornhole, they're going to get the cornhole. It's just a matter of time.

I know what you're saying to yourself. "Oh no, not my precious little Susie!" Yes, your precious little Susie. "He couldn't mean my brave little Bobby!" I'm afraid that's precisely who I mean.

"Carson couldn't possibly be talking about Tommy, who now insists on being called 'Damian Fabulous!'" I'm especially talking about Tommy, aka Damian Fabulous.

So there it is. There's really no way to avoid the cornhole in this MTV Road Rules world. The cornhole is coming; the only question is, "With whom?" and "Will you be around to guide your child through this confusing and sometimes painful experience?"

That's where I come in.

If your child is going to get the cornhole -- and, please, seriously, grow up already; he is, she is -- it might as well be with me, Carson Palmer. I was an All-Star at USC, and last year I passed for over 2800 yards.

Or it might as well be with my good friend and New York Giants running back Tiki Barber. Last year Tikie was first in the league in all-purpose yards gained from scrimmage, plus I happen to know he's very gentle and considerate with the cornhole.

Or it maybe it could be with former Seattle Seahawks receiver and current US Congressman Steve Largeant. Steve's one of the real "good guys" of the NFL, and he'll make sure your child gets the cornhole experience of a lifeftime.

Plus, at the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, we have mental health care professionals on stand by to help your child deal with the trauma of getting the cornhole from five-time Pro Ball starter Tony Siragusa.

Every kid who comes to the Cornhole Classic gets a free funnel-cake and a t-shirt that says "I went to the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, and all I got was a lifetime of mental scars and sexual dysfunction."

It's free. It's fun.

And it's gonna happen anyway.

Might as well be with me. I was in the top twenty for polling for the 2000 Heismann Trophy.

Hope to see you there.

And bring your kids.

Sincerely,

Carson Palmer

header.jpg

PS, First one hundred kids to show up get a free moustache ride from former Miami Dophins coach Dave Wannstadt. So come early!


digg this
posted by Ace at 02:06 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Stringer Davis: "The entire run of Kaiser Darrins sat outside at th ..."

Alberta Oil Peon: ""!=" means not equal in C, C++, Java, Perl, Python ..."

Tujordrahn People's Front: "102 People's Front of Tujordrah Posted by: eman a ..."

eman: "Zombie needs a "!=" t-shirt for her dazzle camoufl ..."

BurtTC: "127 -If your  grandma is  Cher, it proba ..."

Stringer Davis: "[i]In Japanese =/= means "the fountain in the gard ..."

Bertram Cabot Jr.: "Sand looks like Lucky Charms. ..."

Alberta Oil Peon: "Wow a 1954 Kaiserhttp://tinyurl.com/kwrrpfo Pos ..."

Soona: "Wow a 1954 Kaiserhttp://tinyurl.com/kwrrpfo Poste ..."

Stringer Davis: "Nah, Z-cars are a further development of a couple ..."

Franch Dressing: ""!=" means not equal in C, C++, Java, Perl, Python ..."

Anna Puma (+SmuD): "*hold envelope to forehead*  "Exclamation poi ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64