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May 31, 2006

A Very Special Message From Carson Palmer


Carson Palmer practicing the cornhole as a USC Trojan.

Hi, folks. Carson Palmer here.

I'd like to talk a little bit about Lighthouse Youth Services. Lighthouse Youth Services is a great charitable organization, serving the state of Ohio since 1959. They've done a lot of great work with at-risk kids.

And they need your help.

That's why I began the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic. It's a great way to help out Lighthouse Youth Services and build community spirit.

Lighthouse gets a nice donation from me some of my NFL friends, and of course our corporate sponsors.

You and your kids get to meet me and other NFL All Stars. And there's free food, drinks, giveaways, and contests.

And we get to cornhole your children.

Everybody wins.

Now, we all know that kids love the cornhole. Especially Ohio kids, for some reason. Who knows why. Maybe we're all just lucky.

Some of you parents may have a problem with the cornhole. Maybe you're trying to protect them from the so-called "cornhole lifestyle." Maybe you're just worried they might be one of those kids that gets hooked on cornhole.

Maybe you're just a big buzzkill and a pill.

Who knows.

But the point is-- let's be honest here, huh? Your kids want the cornhole. And even if they don't want the cornhole, they're going to get the cornhole. It's just a matter of time.

I know what you're saying to yourself. "Oh no, not my precious little Susie!" Yes, your precious little Susie. "He couldn't mean my brave little Bobby!" I'm afraid that's precisely who I mean.

"Carson couldn't possibly be talking about Tommy, who now insists on being called 'Damian Fabulous!'" I'm especially talking about Tommy, aka Damian Fabulous.

So there it is. There's really no way to avoid the cornhole in this MTV Road Rules world. The cornhole is coming; the only question is, "With whom?" and "Will you be around to guide your child through this confusing and sometimes painful experience?"

That's where I come in.

If your child is going to get the cornhole -- and, please, seriously, grow up already; he is, she is -- it might as well be with me, Carson Palmer. I was an All-Star at USC, and last year I passed for over 2800 yards.

Or it might as well be with my good friend and New York Giants running back Tiki Barber. Last year Tikie was first in the league in all-purpose yards gained from scrimmage, plus I happen to know he's very gentle and considerate with the cornhole.

Or it maybe it could be with former Seattle Seahawks receiver and current US Congressman Steve Largeant. Steve's one of the real "good guys" of the NFL, and he'll make sure your child gets the cornhole experience of a lifeftime.

Plus, at the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, we have mental health care professionals on stand by to help your child deal with the trauma of getting the cornhole from five-time Pro Ball starter Tony Siragusa.

Every kid who comes to the Cornhole Classic gets a free funnel-cake and a t-shirt that says "I went to the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, and all I got was a lifetime of mental scars and sexual dysfunction."

It's free. It's fun.

And it's gonna happen anyway.

Might as well be with me. I was in the top twenty for polling for the 2000 Heismann Trophy.

Hope to see you there.

And bring your kids.


Carson Palmer


PS, First one hundred kids to show up get a free moustache ride from former Miami Dophins coach Dave Wannstadt. So come early!

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posted by Ace at 02:06 PM

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